You feel so miserable in your marriage that you frequently alternate between wanting to divorce and staying in the relationship; however, after the battle of your mind, you still decide to continue to maintain the marriage; and I bet you have also considered the marriage this way: after all, you have lived together with your spouse for a long time, you and your spouse have been closely tied to each other in almost every aspect of your life, and your spouse has his/her own merits and demerits, you should not just focus on his/her bad traits or hurtful things that he/she did to you. You always try to keep your sanity in your marriage, rather than act on your impulse without counting the cost.
Generally, it is also advisable for couples to go on to mend their failing relationships instead of asking for divorce simply, in spite of plenty of seemingly insurmountable difficulties. Understandably, you are also very frustrated with your relationship status now; but for every married couple who wants to have a happy long-lasting relationship, it is compulsory to learn how to get through tough times in their relationships.
And if you wonder how to be happy in a miserable marriage, the following are 8 basic tips:
(1) Don’t go on to add the pain to your spouse:
When you feel miserable in your marriage, your spouse also feels that way. So no need to mention the past things that should have been forgotten and forgiven, as this is like rubbing salt into your spouse’s wounds. Likewise, avoid saying any possible things that may hurt your spouse. Don’t add extra pain to the already excruciating pain your spouse has received in your marriage.
(2) Stop sweating the little stuff:
Make it a point not to get frustrated, aggravated, and disappointed over small things that are of little importance to you, just let it go. Yes, there may be a lot of little things that your spouse does can get under your skin, and maybe you ever used to complain about that type of thing; but now, you need to change your mindset to recognize what it is again; as long as you stick to treating it in this way, sooner or later you will realize that overlooking them also doesn’t matter to you.
(3) Enjoy being around him/her:
In a miserable marriage, a spouse often feels like his/her spouse studiously avoids him/her. Probably you or your spouse also feels that way.
No doubt, keeping a distance is not conducive to improving your relationship. Even if you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable with your spouse when you meet him/her, it is inadvisable to avoid him/her. For example, don’t disappear immediately while your spouse returns home or enter your bedroom. In particular, deliberately avoiding seeing your spouse is never a solution to how to be happy in a miserable marriage. On the contrary, you should learn how to shorten the distance between the two of you and even enjoy being around your spouse. Especially when it comes to some issues that you two need to work together on, make sure to discuss together in a peaceful and open manner; in a nutshell, catch it as a good chance to get close to each other.
One more thing, after an awkward silence with your spouse, you should not retrieve yourself immediately as soon as he/she walks away from you; as regards this issue, you might think from your spouse’s point of view: in case your spouse feels that you look happier, more relaxed and excited when he/she is not around you, he/she will inevitably feel somewhat sad and even angry; surely, you should also enjoy your own life when you are alone, but no need to act like you can enjoy a better life without him/her; if you do so, he/she will be inclined to misunderstand that you no longer need him/her in your world.
(4) Stop speaking negatively about your spouse in front of others:
Many problematic couples have a habit of sharing their spouses’ wrongdoings that drives them crazy. If you also get accustomed to venting your negative emotions in this way, you are supposed to immediately stop doing that. No one likes to be commented on in that way, your spouse is also not exceptional. In particular, you had better also not make jokes at your spouse around your friends or family members; in the miserable marriage, your spouse is quite sensitive to what you say about him/her, and your jokes may easily hurt his/her feelings once he/she hears them. If you have nothing positive to say when talking about your spouse with others, don’t say anything and just skip the topic.
(5) Talk to your spouse:
Don’t waste a long time playing the silent game. In the long run, you will not benefit much from the words like “I don’t want to talk to you” and the tight-lipped custom. Yes, avoiding talking can bring you peace of mind at some point, but that is just temporary; if you settle for the temporary peace in your married life, you could hardly work on repairing your miserable marriage.
(6) Be a married couple again:
Before you got married, you and your spouse usually handle all kinds of things in a way that is separate from each other. After a long period of time of adjustment in married life, you both have already gotten accustomed to living as a team; but when the relationship becomes miserable and unhappy, you realize that some critical issues are tearing the relationship apart, and hence you feel like you become independent again. Then you two live together but meanwhile appear to live separately; for example, you two may have started to sleep in a separate bedroom, travel alone to your favorite place.
But If possible, you should not separate from your spouse. Why? When people do not know how to be happy in a miserable marriage, usually they ignore a factor contributing to this relationship status – The shift from a collective lifestyle to a more and more independent lifestyle in their married life; and most likely, this change is also happening to your relationship. Hence, to save your marriage life, you should be committed to binding your spouse as a couple instead of married singles.
(7) Don’t follow advice from wrong people:
It seems that there are a lot of people you can seek advice from, such as your colleagues, friends, and family members. But be careful with people whom you talk to about your marriage problems; and if a partner finds that his/her partner is blabbing those private problems to irrelevant people outside the relationship, he/she will feel unhappy inevitably.
Another important reason is that not all people’s suggestions are worth considering; for example, if you share your view of your marriage with a single person who has divorced for multiple times, most likely he/she has a negative view on marriage, and he/she does not have valuable experience in maintaining a happy marital relationship, so how can he/she give you valuable suggestions? If you follow the suggestions of such a relationship loser, probably the odds of the continuous deterioration of your marriage will be higher. Understandably, you may feel lonely in the miserable marriage and want to confide in someone, but not everyone can steer you in the right direction when it comes to how to deal with an unhappy marriage; to fix your relationship problems, you need to consult the right people instead of those people who may mislead you.
(8) Support your spouse:
If possible, try to be there for your spouse in every way. For example, if your spouse has to leave home to look after his/her aged in-laws regularly and frequently, you are supposed to go out with him/her rather than stay home; surely, the same goes for his/her work or even playful activities that he/she is engaging in.
Bear one thing in mind – Let your spouse feel that you are concerned about him/her and want to work together with you even though you would not like to do something. In this way, your action clearly shows that you choose to place the convenience for your spouse on a higher level than your bad feelings about something, and he/she will naturally feel that you are in his/her corner.
Furthermore, when your spouse meets with difficulties whether they are from life or work, don’t kick him/her when he/she is down, and you should also not be indifferent to the suffering of your spouse. At this point, you should take the initiative to approach him/her to encourage him/her, and let him/her feel that you will always stand together with him/her no matter what the situation that he/she is facing.
The final word:
If your spouse changes his/her mind and shows the willingness to work together with you to repair the marriage, you have the reason to believe that the marriage can thrive again. But even if currently you are the only one who wants to move forward in this miserable marriage, your spouse is also likely to come around eventually after you devote yourself to making things better.
If you want to learn more about how to be happy in a miserable marriage, you might go on to watch the presentation below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach who has helped hundreds of couples salvage their troubled marriages:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
Should you divorce your spouse – Top reasons for divorce.
How to survive a stressful marriage – Deal with marital stress.
Should you stay in a loveless marriage – How to survive a loveless marriage.
How to survive in a sexless marriage – Is a sexless relationship doomed?
Why you feel bored in your marriage – How to overcome boredom.