Normally, couples fight over something at some point, and usually, there is nothing particularly remarkable about that. But, some fights can get nasty, resulting in traumatic and terrible episodes for both parties. An intense fight can escalate to abuses, insults, and even physical violence if left unchecked.
If you have already had a major fight with your spouse recently and you realize that your marriage is deteriorating due to the fight, some strategic actions are needed.
If you have no idea how to fix a marriage after a fight, the 8 basic tips below may be worth your attention:
(1) See your spouse’s defensive and emotional reaction as normal:
An important step toward making up after a fight is not to be upset and surprised by your spouse’s defensive and emotional reaction. There is no need to blame him/her for his/her negative behavior patterns once you know how to handle them. For example, when you try to make conscious efforts to connect with him/her again after an intense fight, your spouse may walk away without saying anything; in such a situation, you should timely remind yourself that it is quite normal that your spouse still feels upset at you, and console yourself the situation is usually temporary. To put it simply, realistic prediction and planning is a key point to get off your emotional roller coaster.
(2) Allow your spouse enough time:
After a fight, especially if it is something major, the traumatic experience can throw your entire marriage off the kilter for a period of time. Making up after a fight always takes time, and your spouse can hardly recover from trauma at the same pace as you. So, give your spouse some time to find his/her groove and warm up to you again. Reconnecting with your spouse after a big fight requires a continuous and conscious effort on your part. Anyway, as long as you can remain patient and meanwhile continuously practice self-improvement, things will improve sooner or later. So, make sure to be patient with him/her.
(3) Regain your composure:
During the recent fight, maybe you two behave the worst to each other, and maybe you both do not intend to do so. Even, you may have started to feel regretful and ashamed for your extreme and blameworthy act in the fight.
To save a marriage after a big fight, you should recover your composure as soon as possible. In the aftermath of the fight, you will have to handle an abnormal amount of emotional stress, your mind will have to face an episode of the strain of trauma, and probably you will feel confused, scared and deeply hurt. In such a circumstance, you should allow yourself and your spouse sufficient space.
Don’t indulge in angry emotions and reflecting deeply on those things that have already happened during the fight; now that the fight has happened, you should give yourself a break or try to do something that can help calm down yourself.
(4) Listen to him/her with an open heart:
Reconciliation after an argument requires you to set your extreme viewpoints aside and see problems from your spouse’s point of view. No matter how difficult the current situation is, let your spouse feel that you are willing to listen to what he/she wants to say to you. After a fight, one of the most caring, loving things that you can do for your spouse is to listen to him/her mindfully, without judging, interrupting, and feeling the urgent need to define right and wrong.
In particular, interrupting your spouse while he/she is speaking is easily thought to be a verbal put-down. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. When you are interrupted by your spouse, you can’t help having a feeling that he/she prioritizes his/her opinions or that you are not so important in his/her heart. Interruptions always can cause a lot of unexpected problems in communication, even though neither party thinks there is nothing wrong with that.
In fact, a lot of spouses do not act as good listeners in the presence of their significant halves, although they know that they need to listen to their partners sometimes. Although listening to your spouse seems so simple, there is one caveat that should be pointed out: you don’t have to coach, advise, or sound wise when listening, it just requires you to be present and be willing to sit down to listen.
(5) Acknowledge your part in the argument/fight:
Actually, you also know well the most effective way to bring closure to the intense argument and break the silent treatment – own up to your inappropriate words and deeds and make a sincere apology. Especially if your spouse is still acting defensive and standoffish towards you, you are advised to do so. As long as you want your marriage to continue working after a fight, one of you has to take the first step toward mending broken fences and building bridges; your marriage is never a win-lose game, you both should stop keeping score in the marriage because there are no real winners or losers in marriage fights; so don’t assume that you will lose your points if you take the initiative to take responsibility for your wrong behavior;
Fights and arguments are not fun at all; while you are feeling pain during a fight or argument with your spouse, he/she is also enduring pain. In an intimate interpersonal relationship, fights often mean hurting each other; but at the moment when you two are fighting each other, it is easy for you to ignore your spouse’s true feelings, therefore in your view, you are the one who suffers the most.
Understandably, sometimes you wish and wait for your spouse to apologize first because you tend to think that your view is more reasonable; but even if you were in the right during the fight, he/she may not apologize in time, or he/she may also not apologize in your desired way. You can’t guarantee that he/she will change as you want, what you can do anytime is to do your part.
In addition, after a fight, your spouse may experience awkward moments when you two stay together, and your spouse’s mind may suddenly go blank at that moment, so he/she may miss what he/she should have said to you. Anyway, staying silent and holding back is not a long-term solution to reconcile after a fight. As regards a fight in a love relationship, it takes two to tango, it is rare that one party is entirely in the right, and generally, you have to admit that you were at fault too. Hence, you might take one step forward – bear your own responsibilities for the fight; and offer a sincere and excuse-free apology for what you did wrong during the fight.
(6) Apologize sincerely:
Although you admit that you have done something that hurt your spouse, sometimes it is still difficult for you to make an apology. Maybe the reason is that you still think that admitting your wrongdoings means admitting that your spouse was right; if so, you have to change this concept: your being right doesn’t necessarily mean your spouse’s being wrong; and vice versa. Besides that, another major reason why expressing apology seems difficult for you may be that you want your apology to sound genuine and sincere (of course, in most cases, a sincere apology is not simply saying “I’m sorry”), but that you don’t know how to let him/her feel your sincerity.
Here are some good examples to express your apology (these words can be spoken or written on a card):
- “I don’t expect your forgiveness. I am sincerely sorry, you did not deserve what happened to you, you know?”
- “If what I did upset you, please forgive me. I didn’t mean any harm to you, and it hurts my heart deeply when I think I made you sad.”
- “You are the one that I should value, protect, and love above all else. I shouldn’t lose sight of you, I’m sorry that I ever let you down. ”
Among the above tips on how to fix a marriage after a fight, this tip seems like a cliché, but it is also the hardest thing to do. Without sincerity, any apology means nothing. Not being able to feel the sincerity of a spouse is the main reason why a marriage heads for divorce or separation after a big fight.
(7) Choose less harsh or softer phrases:
If the time could flow back, I bet you would retract some improper statements that you made during the fight with your spouse; but unfortunately, this is impossible. Now, you must have regretted saying or doing something during the fight because it has turned out to be wrong, or because you didn’t mean to do that to hurt your spouse. Therefore, there is one lesson to be learned from the fights and arguments – don’t be impulsive and think twice before you act.
Therefore, next time when you hear a controversial question from your spouse, don’t rush to respond to him because it is easy to make a rash statement if you do this way, instead, you should spend several seconds thinking about your response using proper words, and keep away from those violent phrases, cuss words, and words that mean negative feelings (e.g. hate, and dislike). Anyway, don’t push yourself into a defensive position when you are in conversation with your spouse. By the way, when you are talking to your spouse, set your body position for better reflecting your phrase, for example, if you cross your arms to talk to your spouse, this gesture is easily perceived as a blocker in communication.
(8) Prevent a fight from recurring:
At this stage where things are easily associated with the recent fights, you have to be especially cautious of the sneak attack of your spouse – probably you have calmed yourself down, but your spouse may still be angry, anxious, irritable, and even depressed so that he/she may be very tempted to provoke the clash again. He/she may attempt to hit your pain point by mentioning something that ever made you awkward, upset, fearful, or defensive. The best thing to deal with such a situation is to let it go and walk away to do something else. In doing so, you give your spouse more time and space to calm him down. And if he/she demands a response from you, just simply tell him/her that you have already heard his/her words; there is no need to engage in the conversation that doesn’t make sense, and just wait for the time when you can both settle down to a harmonious discussion and then move forward.
The final word:
Although it is inevitable to have fights with your spouse in your marriage, you have to be careful with the way you deal with fights in your relationship. After all, fights are harmful to your relationship health; it is very necessary to learn to avoid fights as many as possible and minimize the harm and negative effects of a fight.
What is more, a ceaseless fight over some critical relationship issues is enough to threaten your marriage; anyway, it is still possible to fix your marriage even if you are the only one who wants. For more strategies about how to fix a marriage after a fight, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a world-renowned marriage coach who has helped many problematic couples survive in their unhappy marriages:
And you may also take some minutes to read the posts below:
Top 5 things married couples fight about – Most common fights in marriage.
How to fight fair with your spouse – Fight in a healthy way.
4 basic tips on how to get through a rough patch in a marriage.
7 basic tips on how to stop keeping score in marriage.
8 tips on marriage reconciliation after separation – Survive the separation.