Among all the phases of a marital relationship, a great honeymoon phase should be the easiest one that a couple can go through happily; but the initial spark will inevitably slim down, and even sizzle out altogether and disappear over time. So do you worry that your marriage can’t last once the spark is gone? Or have you already felt that the relationship starts to become kinda zombie and boring?
If you want to have a fulfilling marriage, you have to make continuous efforts to grow your marriage – both with your spouse and as an individual.
And here are 9 simple tips on how to have a fulfilling marriage:
1 Focus on self-development:
When you get in an intense fight with your spouse, you should not attack his/her weak points or flaws on impulse; first of all, look at yourself; like a lot of problematic couples, maybe you also tend to find fault with others but not yourself when you have a flaming row with your spouse. As we all know, everyone has imperfections, and that is a part of who we human beings are. If you focus too much attention on your spouse’s flaws/faults/mistakes, you will easily end up feeling critical and judgmental. Not only such an attitude towards him/her will not help resolve disputes, but it also weakens the foundation of mutual trust in this long-term relationship.
When you are accustomed to asking yourself, “What should I improve on it?” you naturally have the willingness to listen to your spouse’s perspective without being so hardhearted and stubborn as before.
Again, whatever a problem or disagreement may be in your marriage, remember to look at yourself for a solution first, instead of looking at your spouse as the trouble maker.
In brief, a couple can’t get along well with each other in case of a lack of commitment to focus on individual self-development.
2 Try to keep calm before the storm:
Try to avoid a knee-jerk reaction in response to his/her wrongdoings that damage the relationship. After you know/find that he/she has done something that makes you upset, or after he/she admits doing something upset you, the situation will only get worse if you instantly attack your spouse verbally or physically. Just like the proverbial calm before the storm, even though you have to blame your spouse for something, it is still necessary to have a quiet and peaceful time before that. Yes, it is natural and normal to react emotionally in the heat of the moment; without enough patience and conscious efforts to stop reacting negatively, you can’t keep calm and lessen the impact of negative emotions when something blows up a tremendous emotional storm. So, such a behavioral change may take a long course of time.
Keep in mind: if you always negatively react towards your spouse whenever he/she upsets you, he/she is prone to become conservative and thereby may deliberately hide some important things that you should know; if so, that will only make you more upset ultimately. So you should try to understand your spouse’s starting point and communicate in a productive way that encourages open dialogue. This also helps develop your patience, commitment as well as the foundation of mutual trust.
3 Set personal boundaries:
The two of you should be aware of each other’s boundaries and what to do in case the boundaries are crossed. Clear personal boundaries mean drawing a fine line between you and your spouse. If a couple thinks little of clarification of the personal boundary lines, those lines may easily become blurry; in that situation, one spouse may cross a certain line intentionally or unintentionally without the other one’s permission; no doubt, that may infuse unnecessary conflict into the relationship.
As we all know, before constructing a building, the picture of its blueprint must be made in advance. If not, the foundation of the building will probably become weak. This principle also applies to the development of a marital relationship. Setting personal boundaries is like making a blueprint that a fulfilling marriage should be built upon.
The boundaries in your relationship must be decided by the two of you because only you yourselves know about your respective personal beliefs and values that you have. So, ask yourself what you value and what you believe in. For example, if you value openness and honesty in communication, you should let your spouse exactly know such a boundary in your statement, so you might say, “Don’t lie to me continuously, and don’t be always unwilling to open up to me anytime, otherwise, there will be no need to maintain the relationship.” The statement of your boundaries should be as clear as possible, and communicate their importance as well as the predictable consequences once they are crossed.
4 Don’t lose your sense of purpose, direction, and hope:
Sometimes when you were falling deeply in love with your spouse, you enjoyed tagging along with your spouse, and hence you were apt to ignore your personal needs. However, marriage is a long journey; as a spouse, your needs should not be neglected for a long time. Otherwise, you will lose yourself and become resentful towards your spouse because he/she is always living out his/her own life but you are not. If this is the case, you will need to rebalance your relationship and develop yourself. To have a fulfilling marriage, you should pursue the sustainable development of your marriage and yourself simultaneously, how much you invest in your relationship should be in proportion to how much you invest in your personal development.
A fulfilling marriage must be based on the fulfillment of needs/dreams of both you and your spouse, so you two should try to better understand each other’s needs, and support each other to pursue each other’s dreams. To have a long-lasting marriage, both spouses should feel free to express their respective needs and expectations anytime. In a word, motivate your spouse to chase his/her goals, and develop your purpose at the same time.
5 Learn to be curious about your spouse:
No matter what is going on in your life, make it a precedent to keep your curiosity about your spouse alive. For example, every evening after work, you two may sit on a couch and ask each other all sorts of thought-provoking questions. This kind of question allows both of you to better understand each other. Don’t let the stress of life take over your relationship. Anyway, to develop the foundation of your marriage, you two should have a free space where you can temporarily separate yourself from stress in life and at work.
Have you ever wondered what makes young children curious about life? An important reason is they always keep an open mind to share exciting things during the process of learning about the world. Likewise, you might also remain curious and excited to learn more about your spouse, because there are always things you don’t know about what interests him/her, what makes him/her happy, and what brings him/her to tears… Usually, when you are asking your spouse various questions based on your curiosity/interest in him/her, he/she is willing to take those questions in a relaxed mood. If you keep doing so daily, you will be amazed to find that the love map of your spouse could be so colorful.
6 Develop a common purpose:
Try to find a hobby that you and your spouse both have in common, and then take time to develop it. For example, you and your spouse are both passionate about taking care of abandoned cats. With this passion, you may decide to make it your mission to find a new home for abandoned cats. This is your common purpose where you can continuously gain a sense of inspiration and togetherness. During the process of helping those poor cats, your relationship also gets enhanced indirectly.
As long as you carefully recall the happy memories of you and your spouse, it is not difficult to find that you have done many things for a certain common purpose. Maybe one of your common hobbies you can develop together could be traveling, hiking, snowboarding, and so on. You might select your favorite one first.
7 Surround yourself with positive people:
As we all know, one who stays near vermilion easily gets stained red, and one who stays near ink easily gets stained black. And inevitably you take the color of people around you, especially those people you hang around with. Assume that you often hang out with a person who always likes to brag about his/her partner in front of you, will you feel bad about your spouse at some point? And will you feel as if you had to compete with him/her sometimes? Even if you know the way of thinking is negative and not necessary, maybe you just can’t stop yourself from thinking that way from time to time.
Anyway, one thing you know for sure is that you should never keep up with the Joneses if you sincerely want to have a fulfilling marriage. Otherwise, you will be bound to suffer in your marital relationship. Hence, be careful with the people whom you can call friends because they have a direct or indirect influence on how you think and act. If possible, surround yourself with those people who have a positive attitude towards their love relationships.
8 Be humble to your spouse:
We all have weaknesses, and sooner or later they can be revealed in our life. So, a key point of building a fulfilling marriage must be to accept your spouse’s imperfections and admit that you are also flawed. Yes, when your spouse is at fault, you can stand there and feel superior, pointing your finger and laughing at your spouse; but holding such an attitude will only bring about resentment and hinder your marriage from moving forward. Your pride just leads to more conflict in your marriage.
When you have the urge to shame or blame your spouse because of his/her wrongdoings, why not think about some things that he/she does much better than you; and remember those times when you made mistakes that you should not have made. When you realize your mistakes, you are supposed to have the guts to acknowledge your failures and recognize what has gone wrong; when you conflict with your spouse, try to consider his/her needs more and communicate his/her needs in your words, rather than communicate how right you are and how wrong he/she is… In short, the more you practice humility in your marriage, the more harmony there will be between you and your spouse.
9 Be more patient and tolerant:
As no one is perfect, patience and forgiveness are required in a marriage. Happy couples know how to show each other unending patience and forgiveness; they admit their faults humbly, and meanwhile, they don’t expect perfection from their spouses, they do not want to bring up past hurts and wrongs in an attempt to hold their spouses hostage, they do not force their spouses to make amends for the former faults, and they also do not have the thought of kicking their spouses when their spouses are down.
When you can freely forgive your spouse, and let go of any lingering resentment or anger, then you become more mature and your marriage is more likely to keep thriving.
For more tips on how to be more tolerant in marriage, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to deal with resentment in your marriage – Reduce resentment.
How to forgive betrayal and move on in your marriage
The final word:
Rome is not built in one day. Likewise, to have a fulfilling marriage, you need to improve the relationship inch by inch. And as you make continuous efforts in the right direction, the foundation of your relationship will become more and more solid; and probably, one day you will felicitate on what you have already done to keep your marriage alive.
Although it is not easy and requires joint efforts, you will have more chances to make your marriage better, as long as you always work hard to be your personal best.
Even though your spouse is reluctant to make joint efforts to improve the unsatisfying status of your marriage, you can still try to improve the relationship by working hard to be your personal best.
For more tips on how to embrace marital fulfillment and make your marriage thrive, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
7 common things that ruin a marriage slowly – Save your marriage.
5 warning signs of a toxic marriage – Toxic relationship patterns.
How to be a team with your spouse – Develop teamwork in marriage.
How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.
What a healthy marriage looks like – How to maintain a marriage.
How to have a long lasting happy marriage – Marriage-saving tips.