A lot of problematic marriages are dying a slow death: those couples realize that they have been stuck in an unhappy, emotionally barren marriage, but unfortunately they do not take time out to reflect on themselves about what they may have done wrong in their relationships. And a lot of things that they take for granted are destabilizing their marital relationships, but they do not pay enough attention to them.
The following highlights 7 common things that ruin a marriage:
1 Developing small resentment:
Resentment is a poison that usually starts with something petty, such as not emptying bins, not tiding the room, and not washing dishes after eating. A lot of people neglect that developing small resentment is one of the potential things that ruin a marriage, and thereby allow them to build and harden their hearts toward their partners.
More often than not, resentment flies undetected under our radar; and even sometimes when we feel resentment towards our partners, we just don’t take it seriously; and meanwhile, our partners may also think that it is not too serious. Surely, resentment is a common emotion, but such an insidious emotion is highly corrosive to a relationship; the ongoing resentment makes it hard for a spouse to have a peace of mind: as resentment grows and simmers in the relationship, it becomes harder and harder for a spouse to sympathize with the other spouse’s feelings, because the spouse who is resentful feel that he/she has so much pain of his/her own that is unheard and uncared-for. Besides that, resentment and anger can go hand in hand; in many cases, anger arises from deep-seated resentment.
So once you find yourself having resentment towards your spouse, you should deal with it immediately rather than harbor it. Cut it off before it gets worse. In short, remember, ongoing resentment is entirely harmful to your relationship.
For more tips about how to deal with resentment in marriage, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to deal with resentment in your marriage – Reduce resentment.
How to manage anger in marriage – Deal with your & your spouse’s anger.
2 Irrational jealousy:
A lot of people recognize that sometimes their jealous feelings are unreasonable and are not based on valid evidence, or sometimes they are aware of the destructive consequences of indulging in feelings of irrational jealousy, but they just feel incapable of controlling them. Irrational jealousy is often accompanied by suspiciousness, accusations, and excessive questioning. But on the other hand, for those people who are unfairly suspected, they are extremely frustrated with the jealous sentiment of their jealous spouses, because they are confused about how to find a guaranteed way to completely prove their faithfulness to their jealous spouses.
Over time, the increased fear, suspiciousness, and jealousy may provoke a suspected party to anger; and then the jealous party may wrongly interpret the escalating cycle of anger as further evidence that there is something sinister about his/her partner, so the jealous party may continue to believe that their suspicions are correct, and thereby become more jealous.
In the minds of jealous people, they feel the need to suspect their spouses’ loyalty; and so they try to prove their suspicions one way or another. However, on this issue, they do not consider their partners’ feelings: trust is a fragile thing, suspecting someone is an easy thing for a jealous party, but proving trust is a tough and challenging thing for a suspected party. Surely, in any relationship, everyone has jealous feelings at some point; however, excessive jealousy can threaten to destroy a relationship, so irrational jealousy should be avoided as much as possible.
3 Unrealistic expectations:
You must have all kinds of expectations of what your partner should be like. For example, you might expect your partner to always put you first, to be considerate about you, to support you, to work hard for you, to be faithful to you, and to surprise you… Surely, it is fine to ask your spouse to meet some of your expectations. However, sometimes we may set too high standards and high expectations for him/her, without realizing them ourselves.
Furthermore, no one is perfect, and your spouse is also not exceptional. When your expectations for your spouse are too high, you are doomed to disappointment and frustration, especially when you don’t openly communicate some of your expectations, or when you overestimate your spouse’s abilities.
As explained above, when your spouse fails to meet your expectations, you might as well consider lowering your expectations – allow your spouse to be himself/herself, and accept him/her for who he/she is. By the way, maintaining regular and clear communication is always a good way to avoid unrealistic expectations.
4 Lack of communication:
Lack of communication is one of the most overlooked things that ruin a marriage. A variety of marital problems can be associated with it, and a lot of major disagreements can arise from misunderstanding and miscommunication. No doubt, good communication constantly plays as the cornerstone of a long-lasting marriage. If there are any issues whatsoever that are damaging the relationship, you should timely communicate them with your spouse and deal with them together. For example, if you feel resentful about something that your spouse did, you should talk it out to your spouse instead of allowing the resentment to grow. If you are feeling jealous, you should communicate in an honest and open manner to address your insecurities.
Furthermore, you must be aware that maintaining good communication is never an easy thing – when you feel the need to express your feelings of being hurt, scared, sad, and sorry, you should learn how to communicate with your spouse without criticizing, blaming and attacking; when you two disagree with each other, you need to communicate your willingness to work out a mutually acceptable solution, rather than communicate a need for your spouse to just change for you.
Certainly, what you should communicate not only includes the good things but also includes all sorts of annoying stuff… Too many spouses are always good at communicating with each other on pleasant things; however, they suddenly become poor at communication when an issue is awkward or uncomfortable.
If you want to learn more about how to fix the lack of communication in a relationship, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to have effective communication in marriage.
4 annoying habits that cause communication barriers in marriage.
5 Not having enough together time:
A marriage can not thrive without enough together time. The phrase “There is just no time” is often heard from couples struggling in their marriages, especially those couples who have to raise kids or be busy with work. Due to various demands on their daily schedules, they fail to spend enough time alone together; in such a case, those relationships tend to become toxic. Maybe, such a problem also bothers you from time to time. So is it true that those couples always don’t have enough time to devote to their relationships? Here are 3 tips about what you should do to maintain the marriage when you two do not have enough together time:
- Steal time:
A wise spouse understands the correlation between together time and marital satisfaction, and hence they are constantly on the lookout for opportunities to steal time. Such as giving his/her spouse a call in between appointments, and sending a text message while he/she is sitting in a waiting room.
- Give time:
If you are busy but you still manage to spare some time for your spouse to help him/her accomplish things he/she needs to get done urgently, he/she will appreciate you doing this.
- Spend quality time with your spouse:
What matters most is not the quantity but the quality of time you devoted to your spouse. So think up some delightful ideas for together time, for example, you may recreate your first date, plan a weekend getaway, give full play to your talents to please your spouse, and spare the time when you are at your best in a day.
6 Not showing gratitude:
Sometimes, you may feel that there are no major problems in your marriage, and you may have got used to living quiet days with your spouse; over time, the words you spoke to your spouse become fewer and fewer, and you may have got used to being brief when talking with your spouse; probably you may no longer have appreciative words for your spouse even though he/she did many wonderful things for you; due to lack of gratitude and appreciation, your spouse may feel like being taken for granted. But in a marriage, a spouse always has a desire for appreciation form his/her spouse.
In addition to that, not only do a lot of people not show the appreciation that their spouses deserve, but they love to pick their spouses to pieces. No one likes being unfairly blamed or criticized by his/her partner. So when you are ready to find fault with your spouse or you are tempted to blame your spouse, you might think of good things that he/she did for you and his/her good traits again. And no need to blame him/her for inconsequential things, and just let them go.
Remember, the little expression of your appreciation is not dispensable, and it can go a long way towards keeping your marriage alive.
7 Lack of affection towards your spouse:
As a silent killer of marriage, a lack of affection can take a heavy toll on a marriage. A spouse can feel emotionally distant from the other spouse due to the sheer lack of affection. This is one of the typical problems that occurred after couples have kids or when a marriage runs into trouble. For instance, a couple may have no problem showing physical affection to each other on a daily basis before having kids, and they used to show their affection to each other in many ways, such as kisses, hugs, hand-holding, and spontaneous butt grabs; whether affection was initiated by the wife or the husband, it was always welcome and reciprocated; but as their first kid comes along, everything changed, affectionate language and touch are no longer daily activities to share.
In a long-lasting marriage, affection is always essential at any stage of marriage. A spouse’s affection demonstrates that one spouse is caring about the other one and that the one is always there for the other. Simply showing affection for each other is indeed a small gesture, but it reminds each other to keep the relationship going. In other words, a person tends to feel alienated and unloved if he/she does not receive constant affection from his/her partner.
If you realize that the lack of affection is ruining your marriage and the atmosphere at home becomes cold, you should try to improve it. For more tips on how to bring affection into your marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
Tips on coping with lack of affection in marriage – how to get affection back.
The final word:
There are a lot of factors that affect the longevity of marital relationships. Various problems arise in marital relationships, and many serious problems are built up from those seemingly simple or unimportant ones. No doubt, marital happiness requires constant work and maintenance. So in your married life, you need to take time regularly to notice and address those little things that ruin a marriage slowly
Furthermore, if you feel that you are living in an unhappy marriage and you want to survive it, you need to start by changing yourself, rather than ask your spouse to change for you first.
For more tips on how to change yourself to save your marriage, you might go on to read the posts below:
Top common challenges in marriage – How to overcome them.
How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.
What to do when your marriage seems hopeless – Save your marriage.
If you need more self-improvement tips on how to save your failing marriage, you might go on to watch the presentation below that is offered by Brad Browning, a well-known marriage coach who has helped hundreds of troubled couples survive and thrive in their unhappy marriages: