A marital crisis occurs when certain life’s challenges become too overwhelming for a couple to cope with; but more often than not, a marital crisis begins long after either spouse realizes it; the crisis can begin slowly and imperceptibly. It may give off sparks from time to time, but the married couple may have already been too caught up in everyday chores, so they do not pay enough attention to certain details or signals that should have been viewed as red flags of the toxic relationship.
In essence, a marital crisis is rooted in a personal crisis; therefore, it inevitably takes a lot of emotional intelligence for a couple to understand each other and themselves.
And the following describes the 4 common stages of a marital crisis that requires special attention:
Stage 1: disillusionment:
When a marriage is at the embryonic stage of crisis, at least one spouse has an intuition that there will be something seriously wrong if things go on like this, or that they are more and more lonely and unhappy. However, they may console themselves that every marriage has ups and downs, so they just hope that the current problems may go away on their own as time passes, or they just want to wait to see whether their concerns will last and whether those problems are indeed serious. At this stage, generally, the disillusioned spouse does not tell anyone what they are deeply worried about;
Over time, the disillusioned spouse starts to be aware of how serious and persistent those marital problems are. However, the relationship has slipped down a path to crisis. And the idea of divorce/separation starts to emerge in their mind, but it is just dismissed quickly because of a multitude of prudent considerations, such as moral beliefs, religious beliefs, social relationships, career plans, family relationships, financial situations, and fear of disappointment or failure.
The disillusioned spouse still feels the strong need to maintain the current relationship; but as the concerns and unhappiness continue, the disillusioned spouse no longer adopts a positive attitude towards their married life, they back away from their spouse slightly, and occasionally they couldn’t resist making snide remarks about their spouses as well as the marriage.
Stage 2: detachment:
Sooner or later, the unhappy spouse will confide to the other one that he/she feels miserable/upset/disappointed/angry/resentful in the relationship, but the other one may not quickly realize how serious the situation is; and once the unhappy spouse senses his/her spouse is not sincere enough to work together to deal with the current relationship problems, he/she may search for interests and distractions that he/she can pursue away from the deteriorating relationship, such as having an extramarital affair, pursuing a new hobby, traveling alone… it could be anything he/she desires to do; it is as if the unhappy spouse tells himself/herself, ”Since I am always so unhappy in the dull married life, I have to seek happiness at other places.” Then they pull away from the relationship and channel most of their energy into doing whatever they like, as long as those things are not involved with their spouses.
At this detachment stage, the significantly increased ugly remarks spread from between two sides and around their close people, such as their friends and family members. Sometimes, either or both of the couple may feel their unhappiness reaches the point of being unbearable; and even sometimes, the unhappy spouse may feel that just remaining detached by turning to outside distractions does not do the trick for them; due to this bad feeling, the unhappy spouse may act colder and more distant than the previous stage; the more they feel unhappy and confused about whether they need to remain married, the more they emotionally pull away from their spouses. And unless the unhappy spouse expresses their extreme unhappiness, the other one may not quickly realize that the relationship is worsening.
Stage 3 – Reject panics:
Finally, the unhappy spouse will tell the other one the truth about why they have been pulling away emotionally… The other spouse will soon become unhappy to the point at which they are not sure whether they should remain married and what they should do to deal with the relationship. They will get into a panic, but from time to time they go into the adrenaline-rush producing mode, and sometimes their brains can’t help but fall into a fight-or-flight mode. In general, the major path they will take is to go on fighting;
Although the unhappy spouse may have already given up the efforts to heal the broken relationship, the other one may still feel the need to do whatever they can do to salvage the relationship. They want to win their spouses back, and they may feel the urgent need to make up for past mistakes; however, at this point, the unhappy spouse may no longer be receptive to it; and the couple just feels that they are no longer on the same page.
Stage 4 – Decider quits:
Although the rejected spouse has made continuous efforts to pursue the unhappy spouse, probably the unhappy spouse may still decide to end the marriage or to separate at least. It may take some time for the rejected spouse to accept the risk of the worst possible outcome; anyway, at this stage, the absolutely beneficial thing for the rejected spouse is to focus on self-reflection and self-growth. Regardless of the outcome, they need to learn to move forward with their life positively; in other words, the unhappy spouse may have decided to leave the marriage altogether without thinking about the rejected spouse’s feelings.
Stage 5 – Decider returns:
Although not every unhappy spouse can come back, a lot of unhappy spouses eventually return and reconnect with their spouses. Surely, it will hardly happen if the rejected spouse has already given up and begun moving on to a new relationship. And yet some people who have already gone through the stages of leaving their previous marriages find in time that they still love their exes, so they regret and try to reconcile with their exes.
When the unhappy spouse looks back again at their ex-spouse they left, they may realize that all the damage and hurt that the previous marital problems have caused is no longer as serious/deep as they thought, and even what they had been sure of could never change may have changed thoroughly; they have experienced a softened heart, they come to know that having a successful marriage is doomed to be a lifelong challenge, and hence they want to make lemonade out of lemons.
However, when the unhappy spouse wants to return to the relationship, the spouse who was initially rejected may end up rejecting them. Why? It is because too much damage has been done, too much mutual trust has been lost, and they may also feel exhausted because there is too much work that needs to be done to repair the broken relationship.
The biggest obstacle to going through a marital crisis is how to get both parties on the same page to mend the marriage. Surely, there can still be a chance of salvaging the marriage, even though currently there is only one party who is willing to work on the marriage.
Examples of marital crisis:
Almost every married couple experiences a variety of marital difficulties. But when those difficulties lead to profound discontent, disappointment, and doubts about whether the marriage can last, they tend to spill over into marital distress territory.
Surely, people can define a marital crisis differently; a marital crisis can be one major destructive event (e.g. an extramarital crisis), it can also be an ongoing unresolved issue (e.g. financial infidelity, domestic violence, verbal abuse, drug abuse, and addiction); therefore, there can be a wide range of things can trigger a marital crisis, such as miscarriage (losing a child), infertility, in-laws problems, gambling, job loss, serious disagreements on education of children, and severe disease outbreaks.
Generally, a marital crisis follows some similar patterns:
After distressing or disappointing event occurs, the married couple will inevitably experience a communication breakdown in the following days. Over time, the couple feels harder and harder to communicate with each other, and they argue more and more frequently; and they tend to feel contempt for each other, be defensive, and be overly critical. Eventually, poor communication leads to a lack of emotional intimacy, they decrease interest in each other, manage to avoid doing things together, imaging future life without their spouse… and they may also realize that they have been trapped in a vicious cycle that they can not break out of. This makes them feel miserable to go on staying in the long-term relationship.
The final word:
Do you also have the inkling that there is something wrong with the marriage, and do you worry that it may evolve into a marital crisis in the near future? Closing your eyes to existing relationship issues is counterproductive; the sooner you can recognize a marital crisis, the more chances you have for reconciling with your spouse.
For more marriage-saving tips, you might go on to watch the presentation below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a well-known marriage coach who has 12+ years of experience helping couples survive their difficult marriages:
: <p><a href=” http://haveatrial.com/mendthemarriage” target=”_blank” rel=” noopener nofollow”> In this video, I’ll reveal to you what you can do to rebuild your marriage and strengthen the connection.</a></p>
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