Maybe, the two of you have been separated from one another for a period of time; and now you have felt that being alone is scary, and that separation is also not a viable option of maintaining the relationship; you begin to wonder how to save your marriage after separation.
But anyway, it is better to gain a deeper understanding of marital separation.
For couples, the separation usually comes after a long period of turmoil and tension in their marriages. Eventually, the separation seems like a reasonable and acceptable option for one or both sides. Separation is an intensely emotional period, during which both spouses find themselves suspended somewhere between divorce and marriage. It is imbued with feelings of loneliness, fear, and uncertainty. On the other hand, a separation sometimes also serves as a wake-up call in a marriage relationship, allowing each party time for self-reflection.
And here are some tips that may help you save your marriage after separation:
(1) Control your blaming and anger:
If you are willing to be reconciled to your partner, you must be aware that spewing out hatred, blame, and anger towards your partner is just counterproductive for the relationship; this will just distance yourself from your spouse, increasing the mutual hostility and resentment. Therefore, to thoroughly resolve marital issues, you need to learn to voice your opinion in a constructive manner so that your spouse can better understand and cooperate. By the way, before blaming your spouse, ask yourself whether you have taken your responsibility for the current status of the relationship.
(2) Establish safe boundaries:
After separation, it is necessary to establish safe boundaries by communicating expectations to each other and setting basic rules. This can involve a wide range of marital issues; a few examples may make this point clear, such as how to overcome intimacy issues, how to handle finances after separation, how to deal with conflict in your marriage, how to fight fair when the two of you get into a fight again, how to prevent from being alienated from each other, and how to educate children about your separation.
(3) Take it slowly:
Allow your spouse enough time, rather than force your spouse to make an immediate change. You also need time to contemplate what you said and did before. As often as not, people tend to regret their hasty or impulsive decisions that they made; in comparison, when we have profound thinking about something, there is less likelihood that we will regret a decision that we ever made. And even if you rush in to patch things up, the underlying issues can not be well handled, thus the seemingly fairly harmonious relationship will also not last long.
(4) Tackle root problems:
From a different angle, separation lets each other take a step backward to gain a new perspective on the relationship. And it is crucial to figure out the reasons why you suffer from this marriage crisis; after you think hard about them, you may discover that the reasons for this situation are manifold, such as an addiction, having an affair, lack of communication, and so on; and even you may come to realize that there exist more unknown causes behind the marital separation. However, you should show a clear willingness to work on those marital issues.
If possible, you may seek the help of a completely objective third party (e.g. a pastor, priest, or marriage counselor); anyway, the premise is that both of you are willing to be responsible for your behavior and to ask for each other side’s forgiveness. As long as both of you are open to forgive each other and learn through difficult experiences in your married life, the separation can create a good opportunity to rekindle the marriage.
(5) Have a casual date with your spouse:
When both of you get ready to come into close contact with each other again, having an occasional date is a good idea to promote intimacy. So you might seek opportunities to create a pleasant atmosphere in which your spouse will feel comfortable talking; during the conversation, always treat your spouse with kindness and respect, and try to recall to your spouse the details of the memories of falling in love with him/her for the first time.
(6) Respect your spouse:
Respecting your spouse all over again must be the most fundamental point about how to save your marriage after separation. Due to the unpleasant past, you may still have resentment and anger towards your spouse, but now that you decide to save your marriage, you should let yesterday rest and live for today. Remember, you should respect and love your spouse for who he/she truly is… As long as you grasp this point, you will naturally choose to settle disputes or disagreements in a kind and thoughtful manner.
(7) Maintain a positive outlook for future life:
Now that you decided to give the marital relationship another chance, you should treasure your marriage and prioritize it over other relationships in your daily life.
After separation, you should learn to put the past behind and look forward to the future.
The reasons for marital separation vary from couple to couple; understandably, it may be challenging for you or your spouse to forgive and forget the past, especially if the separation is caused by affairs. Assuming you separated from your spouse because of your spouse’s cheating deeds, but you are sure you do not want to give up the relationship genuinely, then you shouldn’t deliberately mention those heartbreaking events, and what you need to do now is to focus on how to work with your spouse to enhance the relationship.
No matter what caused you to separate in your married life, as long as the two of you still have great concern for each other, the time of separation can be thought as a turning point for a healthier relationship, your marriage can be strengthened and renewed from that point on.
(8) Be compassionate and kind:
Being compassionate and kind to one another always has a positive impact on the development of long-lasting relationships. When you practically embrace this attitude, you will realize that conflicts can be resolved more effectively. For example, when you get angry with your spouse, you can still choose to exhibit kindness instead of being mean to him/her or highly critical of him/her, then you cool down yourself and express your view, eventually, the conversation will flow smoothly; actually, your spouse will also appreciate that you can take such a peaceful and soothing approach to dealing with controversial issues.
If you look back on many things that you are regretful about, you will find that making mean remarks or speaking in a condescending tone did not make sense at that time. So, most of the time, there is no need to win an intense argument in the relationship, just simply choose kindness, and try to be more compassionate towards your spouse by looking at things from your spouse’s perspective.
(9) Express yourself:
To get back the feeling of trust in your marriage, you should learn to better express yourself. And emotional intimacy always plays an important role in keeping a relationship thriving. You might as well try to express yourself by following the advice below:
. Express your emotions while you are giving physical affection.
. Be vulnerable and honest with yourself and your spouse; meanwhile, encourage your spouse to be vulnerable with you too.
. Freely share your fun moments, and experiences in your everyday life.
(10) Be more positive:
After reuniting and living as a couple again, how to live more positively should be a priority for both of you. Nothing is perfect in life, and you need to accept how your marriage life is; and many times when you feel that your married life is out of sorts, you should learn to break your negative momentum and create an instant sense of fun. For example, when you feel that your life is stressing you and your spouse out, you might consider spending some time traveling with your spouse, or planning to have a dinner date with him/her … just like when you fell in love with him/her. Actually, in our married life, there are always all kinds of things that bother us, and the real difference between happy couples and unhappy couples is the mindset.
The final word:
Any marriage relationship is precious to a person, and if you don’t want to see your spouse walk away from you again, you should make the first move to overcome marital issues and reignite the love. And focus on being a better version of yourself, rather than wait for your spouse to change for you.
In most cases, a separation can be viewed as a “dress rehearsal for divorce”, and living separately tends to develop patterns of separation; and the worst of all is that connection between a couple becomes more difficult during separation. Hence, if you are troubled by separation but you want to save the marriage, your primary focus should be to rebuild mutual connection and restore mutual trust.
If you want to learn more about how to save your marriage after separation, you might go on to watch the video below; inside it, Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience, offers comprehensive guidance on how to survive and thrive in a difficult marriage:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
6 tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage without divorce.
7 common things that ruin a marriage slowly – Save your marriage.
How to stop divorce and save your marriage – 7 marriage saving tips.