When your spouse clearly expressed the thought that he/she doesn’t want to work on the relationship anymore, you feel so upset but you still cherish the relationship that should have been happy, so can you save your marriage alone?
Anyway, you should not give up on your marriage too early; after all, it is still possible to save the marriage on the brink of divorce, even though you are the only one who wants to try.
If you do not know how to save your marriage alone, you might as well read the tips below:
(1) Accept the fact:
Understandably, you will inevitably have a difficult time accepting your spouse’s bad feelings about the marriage; in such a case, most people may attempt to persuade their spouses that things will get better, and even they may cry and beg their spouses to come round.
This way might be tempting but it is inadvisable, any type of your over-emotional behavior (e.g. crying, begging for your spouse, or getting mad at your spouse) just makes your spouse think that you are too needy, weak, or out of control. It is unrealistic to emotionally persuade a person whose heart has already been broken to change his/her mind.
Therefore, don’t expect to save your marriage through the use of dramatic actions or cruel/pitiful words.
It is ok to let your spouse know that you have been upset with the current relationship; but more importantly, let your spouse realize that your emotions are still within your control; you have to accept the deteriorating situation and get over the initial shock.
(2) Commit to changing yourself:
Now that you decided to save your marriage alone, you should be aware that alternation of behavior and attitudes are required. Think carefully about what you often behave in the marital relationship; find out those things that can be changed for the better, particularly those behavioral habits that your spouse got fed up with.
In a marriage, both sides experience an endless cycle of stimulus and response. This is easy to understand, your words and actions are the stimuli, and your spouse’s reaction is the response; and vice versa – you also respond to your spouse’s words and actions. Over time, you both develop a reflexive pattern of action and reaction when the other side says or does something to you.
And the response changes accordingly as the stimulus changes; so the significant change of your behavior will be bound to impact your spouse’s reaction, then you can expect to see an overall change in the relationship. The example below may make this point more clear:
When you no longer speak to your spouse in a disrespectful manner as you used to, your spouse will also develop a new type of copying mechanism instantly. If you constantly communicate with him/her in this manner, sooner or later, your spouse will realize that you do indeed stop behaving disrespectfully towards him/he and that there is no need to keep using the temporary coping mechanism; after all, your spouse has to get along with you; so he/she will consider changing himself/herself to fit with your new behavioral pattern. The odds are that this series of changes can make you and your spouse can get along better with each other.
Under a more harmonious atmosphere, more marital issues can be resolved more smoothly than before. Gradually, the relationship is more likely to be turned around by both sides’ positive actions and reactions.
(3) Don’t be controlled by your emotions:
The marriage is never void of emotions; for example, in your marriage life, your spouse’s certain troublesome habitual behavior can easily trigger your emotional outburst, or you may have an emotional outburst when your spouse blurts some angry words out, such as “divorce”, “get out of my way”, and “let’s depart’.
But you will regret if you allow the rush of emotions to go with the flow at the moment, as those temporary fits of rage just further distance yourself from your spouse in the relationship.
(4) Maintain a positive outlook:
You should have some good ideas on how to save your marriage, but make sure your ideas can maintain a positive outlook on your marriage life and take care of both of you. If you fail to consider these two points, you will hardly give your spouse a good reason to get back together with you, not mention the motivation to mend the marriage.
(5) Be dedicated to tackling big problems:
Nobody except you and your spouse can exactly know how your relationship is working. Other people just can give you some guidelines. So you need to gain an in-depth understanding of what is destroying your marriage; actually, a lot of people do not know well about the causes of their divorces until their relationships have ended for a long time; probably it is also necessary for you to ponder over underlying problems behind your marital crisis again; and whatever those problems are, no matter how difficult they are, you should dedicate yourself to addressing them rather than go on to avoid them.
(6) Be consistently you, at your best:
This may take yourself beyond your limits, but make sure you have the confidence to overcome those obstacles on the way to being your best self.
This can be viewed as a reason why you try to save your marriage alone; and this also involves a wide range of areas of self-improvement: now you should learn to negotiate with your spouse and set boundaries that both of you will not cross, discuss marital issues in a manner that doesn’t come across as desperate or pushy, set up rules about how to fight fair with your spouse, openly share your feelings and thoughts, avoid using your spouse’s vulnerabilities to put him/her down, and improve communication with your spouse.…
(7)Don’t think saving your marriage alone is just a one-person show:
Even though you keep showing your best to your spouse, probably during the process, your spouse will also not stop thinking about divorce. From time to time, this task without your spouse’s support feels lonely and tough, but it is normal; and don’t you want to pursue a marital relationship that can stand the test of time? Anyway, you must try to establish a clear, new vision for the future married life to make your spouse sense it – You must let your spouse feel that things will be better in the future if he/she chooses to continue to live with you.
Maybe, your spouse looks like he/she has a firm willingness to divorce; but no doubt, divorce is so painful for both sides; put yourself in your spouse’s shoes, he/she will also not consider divorce as long as he/she can feel that there is still a slim chance that he/she can thrive in their marriages again; by practicing being the best version of yourself, you are trying to give your spouse the confidence of going on to improve the marriage; after all, marriage is teamwork, saving a broken marriage requires a mood of conciliation on both sides. And after your spouse realizes that it is still worthy to salvage the marriage, ultimately, he/she will consider teaming up with you again.
The final word:
Now that you decide to try to save your marriage alone, you have to be prepared to do a lot more work than your spouse. So, never feel balanced in your heart. Understandably, this just seems unfair, but for now, only you believe in the marriage. So you should take the initiative to do all kinds of things that may improve the relationship; to maintain the relationship, you need to dedicate yourself to it – Contribute a lot of time and efforts without caring much on the return.
The best hope is: after you make some efforts, your spouse becomes less insistent on the divorce, starts to engage more with you and expresses a willingness to fix the marriage together, then all the marriage problems become easier to deal with. But a lot of things also turn out to be the way you expected, so you should be prepared for the worst, and your spouse’s constant unwillingness to cooperate with you should be thought of as an expected handicap.
In some cases, trying your best to save your marriage alone can be more effective and immediate than working together, it is because you are taking matters into your own hands, you don’t need to waste your time and energy in convincing your spouse to do things that he/she feels reluctant to do. And what you get to do now is carry on in spite of the difficult situation.
Although it is possible that you can save your marriage alone, probably you will also miss the best time to save your marriage if you can not apply effective relationship-saving strategies and techniques in time. And if you want to seek more valuable advice, you might go on to watch the presentation below to follow the comprehensive marriage-saving guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience in helping couples work through their troubled marriages:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
What to do when your marriage seems hopeless – Save your marriage.
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
8 tips on marriage reconciliation after separation – survive the separation.
Should you divorce your spouse – Top reasons for divorce.
Is your marriage worth saving – Is there hope for your marriage?