An emotional affair is like a drug; it’s addicting. Sometimes, a spouse can be at risk of losing their focus and being swept into an emotional affair.
The following points out what you need to know about an emotional affair:
How does an emotional affair develop?
We often hear the term called “emotional affair”. By definition, it is an unhealthy relationship outside of the primary relationship where a person seeks comfort, sexual chemistry, and a deep emotional connection. Although there is no sexual or physical contact in an emotional affair, many times a long-term committed relationship can be sabotaged by such a strong feeling of connection between an errant partner and a third party.
Modern communication technology has made it very convenient for a person to reach out to others. This also provides a convenient condition for people to have an emotional affair. An emotional affair can happen in almost any setting where people interact. In particular, more and more emotional affairs are conducted online.
As an emotional affair is just “an affair of the heart” – An errant partner may share with a third party a lot of private things about their primary relationship. Many times, individuals involved in an emotional affair can easily rationalize to themselves and others because many times there is no strong evidence of their infidelity that can be proved.
But as an emotional affair develops, the errant partner can feel he/she is pulling away in his/her primary relationship; and over time he/she will realize that his/her emotional affair is immoral, but probably he/she will just feel that he has sunk too deep to extricate himself/herself – He/she feels compelled to keep in touch with someone outside of his/her primary relationship; he/she is thrilled to share his/her inner feelings/thoughts and hear from the third party.
Generally, an emotional affair starts as a friendship; but as the connection strengthens, the boundary between friendship and infidelity gets fuzzy, one or both of parties involved in the emotional affair start to devote their minds to sexual fantasies…
An ongoing emotional affair can lead to a lot of strong emotions:
For a spouse who is engaging in an emotional affair, he/she may not understand how emotionally hurt the other one is; initially, he/she may think an emotional affair is not a serious problem because no sex or physical intimacy is present. Denial of the extent or intention of an emotional affair is usually a frequent first reaction. When a spouse is having an emotional affair and is asked not to contact someone outside of the relationship, he/she may instantly retort, “I don’t see what the big deal is!”, “I have never actually met that person”, “We are just friends”… However, the other spouse may ask rhetorically, “That is not a big deal, all right? Why did you hide this?”, “If he/she is just your simple friend, why do you care about him/her so much?”, “Why don’t you care about me the same way?”… Then an argument can easily escalate.
The emotional affair threatens the stability of the emotional bond between spouses. This bond should have always been a powerful force: when a couple is hard-wired for a close, loving relationship, they do not want any outside force to interfere with their connection. And it has already formed and developed since a couple first met and had romantic feelings for each other.
After finding out the other spouse is having an emotional affair, one spouse’s deep emotional hurt lies beneath it, but he/she may try to mask the hurt by expressing upset and anger. For a spouse who has committed emotional infidelity, he/she should be aware that the secretive, hidden way to keep an emotional affair going only adds to the bitter sting of betrayal and the insecurity of his/her hurt spouse sooner or later.
The negative emotional reaction of a couple after an emotional affair:
After an emotional affair, a series of emotions like below can surface:
- The spouse who got involved in an emotional affair may feel overly accused, and he/she may minimize the other spouse’s feelings of distrust and hurt because he/she has not had physical intimacy with the suspected person. This can make the other spouse feel not understood or heard.
- For the hurt spouse, he/she may fear that the emotional affair would have further developed – and into a physical affair. After this, he/she may keep a wary eye on his/her spouse’s behavior due to his/her delusion, anxiety, and fear.
If you wonder wow to mend the marriage after your spouse has an emotional affair, here are some tips:
- Be more kind and understanding:
Unmet emotional needs are a common reason why a spouse strays. To repair your marriage, you may need to work harder on hearing your spouse and understand his/her basic wants and needs in this relationship.
When you try to hear and understand your spouse in a more positive manner, this also opens the door for him/her to hear and understand you. Of course, this will take time. When your spouse’s emotional affair is discovered, the two of you need time to cool off and sort out your respective feelings. Now that you are willing to mend the marriage, you might make the first step to show him/her more kindness and understanding.
Surely, prioritizing your spouse’s needs does not mean that you have to ignore your feelings and needs.
- Don’t blame yourself:
When you are very upset about your spouse’s emotional affair, probably you will get stuck in a cycle of self-blame. For example, maybe you always ask yourself some questions like “What if I did that less?”, “What if I didn’t do that?”, “What if I didn’t get angry that day?”, ”Maybe his/her opinion is right.”… You do not have to treat yourself this way. Yes, when it comes to marital problems, it takes two to tango; but his/her emotional affair should not be primarily your fault.
After your spouse’s emotional affair, you may need to learn how to release the self-blame and how to forgive yourself and your spouse.
- Communicate with intention, rather than react with your emotions:
After an emotional affair, probably there are times when you just don’t know how to handle your strong emotions. When you find yourself agitated, you might repeatedly ask yourself what you intend to communicate; in doing so, you are more likely to communicate with your intention rather than act on your negative emotions. Communicating with your intention means getting across to your spouse what you want from your spouse. And this is badly needed when you don’t get along well with your spouse.
If your spouse is hurt by your emotional affair, what can you do to mend the marriage?
As a spouse who committed infidelity, now your job is to let your spouse feel secure again in the relationship. You should actively share more private information with your spouse than before.
On the other hand, after your emotional affair, you must have felt that your spouse has greatly lowered the level of his/her trust in you; but you should not resent him/her, instead, you should be compassionate; you should try to understand that your spouse does also not want to be the partner who is highly suspicious and even paranoid, it is your emotional affair that has compelled him/her to do so; and remind yourself that rebuilding trust takes time, so you should be more patient.
For healing to happen, you need to take responsibility for safeguarding your marriage for a period. During this time, make sure there are no absences, no gaps, no missing pieces, and no secrets in your day. In particular, if the third party is trying to contact you again, make sure to let your spouse know.
For your spouse who has been hurt emotionally, from time to time he/she may feel the need to check whether you commit infidelity again. And this may become one of his/her obsessions for a while. For your spouse, it is traumatic to find out about your emotional affair, and the way to relieve himself/herself from this is to search for proof that the marriage is safe and that your affair is finished. And if you don’t allow your spouse to do this to you, you can hardly gain his/her trust back.
The final word:
Any affair can impact a long-term relationship, and an emotional affair is also a serious relationship issue; it should be viewed as cheating without having a sexual relationship. During the process of healing the broken marriage, there will be anger and hurt, and both you and your spouse will feel lost and lonely for a period. But as long as you two genuinely want to move the relationship forward, the emotional affair can be survivable, and eventually, the relationship can grow stronger.
For more tips on how to mend the marriage after an emotional affair, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to deal with infidelity in marriage – Protect the marriage.
6 tips on rebuilding trust after infidelity – How to rebuild trust after an affair.
How to gain your wife’s trust back – Regain your lost trust.
How to save your marriage after financial infidelity.
Should you forgive your cheating spouse and move forward?
Is your spouse cheating – Signs your spouse is having an affair.