When your husband says he wants a divorce, the horrible situation can arouse a series of bad feelings; if unchecked, your negative emotions can blind you and make it difficult for you to recognize the reality of what actually happened to the marriage and take the right actions.
Next, let’s discuss what you should not do when your husband wants a divorce:
1 Don’t collapse:
A lot of women provide their departing men permission to do whatever they like, and they ignore or tolerate their men’s inappropriate behavior at this stage. When their men threaten to divorce, they may agree to separate, they may allow their men to terminate joint bank accounts… in short, they may turn a blind eye to any mistakes that their men are making; they let their men be because they fear that if they do not succumb to their men’s will, their men will get angry and things will turn worse.
When your husband wants a divorce, if you also choose to pamper your man in the way as described above, most likely you will ease your departing spouse’s transition into divorce, although you want him back. Why? Once your man realizes that you have left him alone, probably he will misunderstand that you choose to let him go because you have no expectations of him anymore; in addition, when he finds that you have mentally collapsed and that you have felt powerless over his behavior, he is very likely to do as he pleases; if a man has been excessively affected by negative emotions and has felt like nobody can stop him, he will do something rash; then he may make more irretrievable mistakes.
In short, when you are facing a marriage crisis, allowing yourself to collapse is a very negative coping style.
2 Don’t attempt to buy back his love:
Money makes the mare go, but money is not everything. If you consider using money to influence his decision, you are dead wrong. Trying to buy his love can’t bring you anything but more misery. Regardless of the situation, love should not be viewed as a trade; especially if you admit you have done something wrong to hurt him emotionally, money or lavish gifts can not compensate.
Remember, a marriage can not last long if a spouse has to bribe the other one to stay.
3 Don’t over-focus on trying to read his mind:
You can go insane if you read too much into why your husband wants a divorce. And after asking once whether he seriously wants to end the relationship, you do not have to repeat the question again; and you do not have to force him to give you a rational reason why he wants out if he does not want to tell you; otherwise, he will get more bored of you; and after he confirms that he is seriously contemplating divorce, you also do not have to over-focus on reading his mind.
Surely, to better know where you stand in the relationship, it is necessary to attentively read your man’s behavior and mind; but don’t overdo it. After all, you are not him, and you have to admit that sometimes you just have no idea how his mind works; essentially, we are all mind readers, but we can not always read other people’s minds correctly; more exactly, over-thinking can lead to unnecessary negative thoughts. Therefore, the more you over-focus on reading your man, the more you misread him.
4 Don’t attempt to manipulate him into staying:
Understandably, when your husband wants a divorce but you still love him, you may manage to keep hold of him. Even you may have said to yourself, ”Even though he feels unhappy/miserable in the marriage, I will also try to manipulate him into staying; in my marriage, he needs to obey my rules…” With this mindset, you may consider doing something drastic to manipulate him. For example, maybe you want to tell him that if he insists on leaving you, you will show other people the skeletons in his closet, or you will disclose all his dirty; under pressure, he may have to abandon the idea of ending the relationship for the time being.
If you entertain an idea like the above, you might put yourself in his shoes: if he manipulated you into staying in a miserable marriage, how would you feel?
Love is not about manipulation. No matter how much you love your departing husband, you should not resort to any manipulative tactics to keep him with you.
5 Don’t indulge in toxic arguments:
When your husband wants a divorce, he may attempt to bait you into having toxic, meaningless arguments (he may think that doing so can induce you to give up on the broken marriage.); on the other hand, inevitably arguments about a variety of marital issues may arise at this critical juncture, and during an argument, one or both of you may bring up various unpleasant things that ever happened; actually, the majority of those arguments have become unnecessary or even pointless; and the more you indulge in unnecessary/pointless arguments, the more toxic your marriage will be. Hence, many times, you should try to keep your composure, rather than engage in arguments with your departing husband.
If possible, steer clear of those pointless arguments; and when arguments with your husband are unavoidable, make sure to focus on the issues that are plaguing your marriage.
For more tips, you might go on to read the post below:
How to reduce arguments in a marriage – Reconnect your spouse.
6 Don’t beg:
Begging your husband is a common trick that a wife uses when she fears her man will leave for good. Maybe when your husband wants a divorce, you are also tempted to declare your undying love for him, make massive promises, and break down in tears in front of him to beg for a second chance…
Imagine the scenario: when you are begging your man, you feel lost, you look so weak and helpless, and you put him in a position of supreme power over you. When he wants to leave you but you still love him, you should be the party that is trying hard to regain control over the relationship.
Yes, begging may trigger his guilty feelings; but if he just stays in the marriage out of guilt, this relationship will only be unhappy and loveless.
As long as you can calm down and put things into perspective, you will realize that begging is not a healthy way to maintain the relationship.
7 Don’t play the victim:
When your husband says he wants a divorce, you feel that you are hurt, harmed, or duped, you feel you are a victim of this relationship; probably you can’t resist saying the touching words like “How can you do this?”, or “Why don’t you kill me directly?” And you attempt to receive more attention and affection from your departing man by acting like a disempowered victim. But when you feel like a total victim and believe yourself to be powerless, it has at least 3 serious implications below:
- You are shirking responsibility for the harm that you are causing yourself and your husband. In other words, you don’t take responsibility for your part, and you blame your husband for all the problems.
- You are unwilling to compromise or cooperate on conflict issues.
- You are so passive-aggressive.
Hence, from the point of view of your departing husband, he also can’t accept your view – you are a total victim and he is a total criminal; at this stage, he certainly has a lot of complaints about you too. I bet he usually comforts you while you are being choked with tears; but if you play an innocent victim when he wants a divorce, he will have more resentment towards you, and probably he will leave you alone.
8 You had better not spy on your husband:
Trust is the foundation of any long term relationship. Understandably, when your husband wants a divorce, you may suspect whether he is having an affair; so you may attempt to get some clues by going through his phone, checking text messages of his social accounts. or stalking him. But if your husband does not have the intention of having an affair and he notices you spying on him, he will pull further away because your spying is a terrible invasion of his privacy and it shows that you have totally lost trust in him.
Surely, if you strongly suspect that your husband wants a divorce because of cheating, spying on him can bring closure to you; but after all, spying is a dangerous game, and it can stir up a lot of unnecessary trouble; hence, you had better not spy on your man unless you have caught other highly suspicious signs of his infidelity.
The final word:
When your husband wants a divorce, you need to take caution against your over-reaction because probably it will be unhelpful or even counter-productive; in the meanwhile, you should deeply reflect on how the relationship has deteriorated to the present state; this matters first and foremost. In short, the more you act on your negative emotions during this time, the more mistakes you will make, and the further he will pull away from you.
But anyway, as long as you think the marriage is still worth saving, you might continue your efforts to salvage the relationship.
For more marriage-saving tips, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the posts below:
How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.
How to mend the marriage when your husband says hurtful words.
What should you do when your husband says he hates you.
How to get your separated husband back – Prevent divorce.
Why your husband is unhappy with you – Understand him better.
What not to do when your husbands says he wants a divorce.