Over time, bitterness and conflict can creep into a problematic marriage. Although divorce seems like an available option for resolving marital conflict that appears irreconcilable, it is probably one of the least effective options. In most cases, you should take the option of divorce off the table; instead, you should do whatever it takes to salvage a broken marriage. After all, it is very difficult to estimate the social, spiritual, financial, and psychological damage that divorce can cause. Too many people gave up on their marriages too easily, and eventually, they regretted that they should have worked harder to try to save their marriages because divorce did not make their life better in the end.
Hence, be aware that getting divorced is a huge decision; and actually, almost every couple goes through the hopelessness phase at some point during the long years of marriage; so don’t hastily quit your marriage that seems to end, as long as there is still a chance that you can get back what lost in your marriage.
And here are 7 tips on how to stop divorce and save your marriage:
(1) Hear more from your spouse:
When a marriage is on the verge of breaking down emotionally, both parties usually have a long-running disagreement over a serious relationship issue, and both parties become more and more impatient to hear each other’s real thoughts. If you are in such a situation, you need to remind yourself to try to hear more from your spouse; simply listening to your spouse can help you better understand what is wrong with your marriage; and as long as you can sit down to listen to what your spouse has to say, you may find that his/her thoughts are of some merit.
The lack of empathy is often a root cause of divorce; and in general, a communication breakdown occurs before the divorce. As a couple’s willingness to share and communicate decreases, the once strong and loving marriage tends to go downhill.
Therefore, fixing communication problems is very beneficial, when you are learning how to stop divorce and save your marriage. Besides that, your listening can be interpreted as an act of love and compassion; when a marriage becomes suffocating, both sides want to be more understood. Thus you might make the first move to show more understanding and sympathy for your spouse’s feelings; in this way, your spouse is more willing to lay bare the marital issues that are annoying him/her.
Divorce is a complicated issue, and many unknown reasons for divorce can be involved. Actually, for a lot of people who had gone through a hurtful divorce, they did not fully understand what made their ex-spouses decide to leave them until years after a divorce, just because of the lack of communication.
(2) Express your inner feelings:
Besides listening to your spouse’s feelings, you should also learn to express your feelings to let him/her better understand your point of view. Surely, it is never easy to express your difficulties and frustrations in front of him/her. In addition to improving your communication skills to express your feelings, at this critical stage of marriage, you might as well find a trustworthy intermediary to help you convey your inner feelings, For example, a good friend whom you and your spouse both trust or a marriage counselor can mediate between you two and participate in exchanges of each other’s opinions. While an intermediary is keeping the discourse rational, you may both be more willing to speak your mind.
No doubt, your ability to listen and share your feelings plays an important role in addressing many relationship problems. If you want to learn more about how to overcome the lack of communication in your relationship, you might go on to read the related posts below:
How to have effective communication in marriage.
4 annoying habits that cause communication barriers in marriage.
(3) Be willing to compromise:
The ultimate failure or success of the endeavor for saving the failing marriage is closely associated with one thing – whether or not you are willing to compromise on certain issues, as well as how much you are both willing to accommodate each other in the future. When you are in search of the middle ground – a result of two sides that can bend to each other’s needs, make sure that you can both adapt to the future development of the relationship.
When a marriage runs into difficulty, each party should learn to put aside the selfish needs and encompass what the other party needs. Otherwise, it will only annoy and frustrate the other party. Remember, in any long-lasting relationship, each partner has to make some compromises to move the relationship forward.
The ability to compromise should be viewed as an anchor of solidifying a marriage. As you and your spouse have fewer and fewer goals in common, marital rifts tend to appear. To put your marriage back on track, it is important to set some common marriage goals to strengthen the marriage bond; during this process, conflict is inevitable, and some compromise needs to be made.
Marriage Compromise versus Marriage Sacrifice:
When a marriage is at risk, it is necessary for both parties to give up something to reach a mutually acceptable agreement; compromise involves teamwork, reciprocity, and concessions to each other’s reasonable demands. But when we are only talking about marriage sacrifice, usually the sacrifice is unilateral – it means sacrifice or submission for just one side. Although sacrifice here and there may be acceptable in a marriage, it is inadvisable to give up too much just to appease the other party, because one party is bound to be unhappy in the long run.
(4) Quit the blame game:
Not assigning blame to your spouse is a facet of how to save your marriage. The blame game is destructive to your marriage. In the face of the relationship that is rapidly souring, a spouse often blames the other for various faults/mistakes. Understandably, you are tempted to blame your spouse for the hurt, unhappiness, loneliness, and resentment that you feel inside now. However, pointing the finger at him/her will only further distance him/her from you. Put yourself in his/her shoes – if you were being accused by your spouse, would you feel down or overwhelmed, and would you have a lower willingness to repair the relationship at the moment?
When a marriage is falling apart, it is very hard to say who is at fault or who has more faults; after all, it takes two to tangle. Usually, it is unreasonable that only one party should be solely responsible for all the problems that arise in a marriage. As a relationship gets into trouble, the couple tends to have grievances against each other; but as long as you try to keep a cool head in case marital conflict occurs, you can find a lot of relationship problems were caused by either your misunderstandings, unrealistic expectations, or a lack of communication between you.
Putting full blame on your spouse is only counterproductive, and you and your spouse can’t remain in a state of equanimity if you keep doing so.
(5) Display kindness to your spouse:
Kindness involves actively discovering what makes your spouse feel loved. It is often displayed through affirming words, spending quality time together, thoughtful presents, affectionate touch…
Your kind actions towards your spouse can help recover your broken relationship. Even if you do not feel like doing it, doing a kind act for your spouse may help improve the relationship; at least it can prevent the further deterioration of your relationship. Especially when your spouse is not expecting you to be kind to him/her, probably your kindness will be appreciated. Sometimes your spouse may have a negative attitude towards you, but you do not have to reconfirm that by doing nothing; to change your spouse’s negative attitude, a positive approach is to continuously show him/her you still care about him/her. And as you keep displaying your kindness to your spouse by trying to see him/her in a different light, you tend to adopt a more and more correct attitude towards him/her.
Kindness is the foundation upon which a healthy relationship can be built. Therefore, try your best to be kind to your spouse, and let him/her feel that he/she deserves your kindness; in return, he/she may gradually start to be kinder to you as well.
(6) Learn to apologize, forgive and forget:
If you always hold onto the past wrongs that your spouse committed against you, the relationship will be dragged down. No one can avoid faults in a relationship, and your spouse is also not exceptional; and when you are trying to fix your broken marriage, forgiving your spouse’s wrongdoings pays dividends. Again, it is never beneficial to keep digging up the unpleasant past whenever you feel aggrieved at something your spouse did to you. Every time you bring up past slights in front of your spouse, he/she feels emotionally distant from you. To regain balance in the imbalanced relationship, learning to forgive and forget is a path that must be taken.
And likewise, whether you can save your marriage also depends on whether your spouse has the willingness to apologize. The most ideal situation is that both sides actively seek forgiveness from each other. However, even though your spouse is not aggressively seeking your forgiveness now, you might also make the first move to let go of your spouse’s past faults for the sake of salvaging the relationship.
(7) Evaluate whether you or your spouse is being treated fairly:
When it comes to how to stop divorce and save your marriage, it is necessary to commit to deep self-reflection; be honest to yourself, take a hard look at yourself; maybe, you will realize that something is clouding your judgment about your spouse. For instance, ask yourself whether you have too much stress in life and work. If so, maybe sometimes you are hard on your close partner without realizing it; when your spouse feels that you are being overwhelmed by unknown stress and anxiety, he/she may emotionally withdraw and even become defensive; if the suffocating situation continues, then a vicious cycle develops in your relationship. And likewise, if your spouse is under too much stress, then the cycle is reversed – you are pushed into a defensive position when you are unfairly treated by your stressed-out spouse.
As explained above, if you think your marriage becomes stressful, first you should learn how to better deal with marital stress, rather than first consider divorce to escape stress. You must be aware of a fact – stress is unavoidable in any long term relationship.
For more tips on how to survive a stressful marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
How to survive a stressful marriage – Deal with marital stress.
The final word:
Too many couples resorted to ending their marriages when their marital problems were actually not so serious or unsolvable; in general, saving a marriage is indeed a long and arduous process, but it is worth the effort.
Remember, it is still possible to save your marriage from divorce, as long as you are committed to self-improvement and are willing to move the relationship forward.
If you want to seek more expert advice on how to stop divorce and save your marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
Should you divorce your spouse – Most common reasons for divorce.
How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.
How divorce affects children – Effects of divorce on children.
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
What to do when your marriage seems hopeless – Save your marriage.
6 tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage without divorce.
Top ten reasons for divorce in America – Why people divorce.
How to avoid divorce after separation – Save the broken marriage.