We all develop bad habits over time; they are seemingly simple, benign, or unimportant things, and we may not take them seriously; for example, we may eat the same unhealthy food for supper, and we may chew on fingernails. But when it comes to a marriage, a lot of bad habits or behavioral patterns may have negative consequences if they are left unchecked.
The following points out some seemingly common things that destroy a marriage:
1 Giving up friendships and having no heart for social life:
This is quite common with a young spouse who quickly falls for the other one. And there is another case where a person has searched for a long time to find someone to be his/hers; and it can be tempting for him/her to spend nearly every minute together, then he/she may alienate many of his/her friends.
This thing is bad because it can make a couple codependent – when a couple is apart from each other, one or both sides may feel quite painful. No doubt, it is never healthy for a couple to spend too much time together. To keep a marriage alive, a spouse needs to learn how to spend time alone without feeling lonely. No matter how close a couple feels to each other, married life always leaves some personal space that people outside the relationship (e.g. friends, colleagues, and family members) can fill. For example, occasionally, when a couple spends too much time together and they are not on good terms with each other, a spouse may want some time apart to avoid bickering and being irritated by the other one.
Remember that married life requires a good balance between together-time and alone-time; and alone-time is an essential element in a mature marriage.
For more tips, you might go on to read the post below:
How to overcome codependency in marriage – Fix the marriage.
2 Expecting too much in a marriage:
Although husbands and wives have different obligations, expectations, and needs, both parties should be willing to give and take equally. That is to say, if a spouse expects the other spouse to do something for him/her (i.e., help with household chores, go to his/her parents’ house for dinner, see a film with him/her), then the spouse should be willing to reciprocate. However, marriage is always about ongoing compromise and give-and-take, so a spouse should not expect more from the other one than he/she is willing to give the other one, and accept the fact – sometimes, the other spouse may give much less than what a spouse expects from him/her.
Remember, a marriage is doomed to fail if a couple expects too much from each other.
3 Demanding complete, absolute disclosure and disregarding privacy:
If a spouse always forbids the other one from having privacy, the marriage will hold little promise of happiness. In fact, a spouse does not need to know the other one’s passwords of social accounts. A spouse does not need to grill the other one’s every detail of his/her night out… And a partner also can not have a legitimate right to have unimpeded access to every aspect of the other one’s life, no matter how intimate the relationship is.
Granted, when it comes to a certain privacy issue, a spouse has a right to honesty and transparency for the other one; but it is difficult for a spouse not to keep any secrets from the other one. Sometimes, a deep love connection needs some spheres of privacy. In happy marriages, couples know well that they do not have to snoop on each other even though they have been apart from a period.
4 Taking a spouse for granted:
If a spouse really loves the other, then he/she had better show his/her appreciation for the other outwardly. Sometimes, a spouse really appreciates what his/her spouse has done for him/her, his/her heart is filled with joy and gratitude, but he/she does not express his/her inward feelings; in that situation, the other spouse may misunderstand that his/her hard work is not appreciated.
On the other hand, if a spouse takes the other one for granted and he/she is not aware of how much he/she appreciates things his/her spouse does for him/her, then the other spouse will emotionally pull away.
Furthermore, if a spouse constantly neglects little things the other one does for him/her, it can also lead to conflict and resentment; that could have been avoided if the spouse can take some time to consider how great his/her spouse really is.
5 Being overly jealous:
In a lot of marriages where a spouse feels insecure, one spouse has never been unfaithful, his/her spouse has never caught him/her cheating or found surefire signs of his/her infidelity, but his/her spouse is just paranoid about that his/her marriage is likely being impacted by physical infidelity or emotional infidelity.
Although jealousy as well as a fear of the other spouse being unfaithful is a natural feeling, a spouse needs to keep it in check unless he/she has legitimate reasons to suspect otherwise. Again, if there is no history/proof of cheating, most likely being jealous or controlling will damage the relationship.
For more tips, you might on to read the posts below:
Is your spouse cheating – Signs your spouse is having an affair.
Controlling behavior causes – How to stop being controlling in your marriage.
How to deal with jealousy in your marriage – Stop being a jealous wife.
6 Playing a blame game:
Some married couples get accustomed to blaming each other for mistakes once something gets wrong. For example, when a spouse complained to the other spouse, “You left the water running…”, then the other spouse instantly retorted, ”That is because you called me away while I was washing dishes.“ This type of interaction pattern is toxic because when a spouse is so busy defending himself/herself and blaming the other one, he/she loses the chance to be empathetic and friendly with the other one. The more a couple plays the blame game, the further they pull away from each other.
Playing a blame game means both parties are not willing to take responsibility for their own part in what went wrong. That is a significant roadblock to building a mature and emotionally healthy marriage.
7 Constantly threatening to divorce:
Marriage means a couple promises to stick around through rough patches. Generally, when a couple is married, both parties should not mention divorce unless they seriously think that the relationship has reached the point of no return.
In most cases, threatening to leave is not a good tactic to address marital issues over which a couple has serious disagreements. And if a spouse constantly threatens to divorce when losing a big fight or wrestling with tough issues, over time, that will undermine the faith of each other; and it will become difficult to maintain stability and mutual trust in the long-term relationship; compared with a spouse who threatens to leave, the other spouse will feel more hurt because he/she will have to ponder about whether the marriage is worth saving, then the emotional turmoil will drain him/her.
No doubt, constantly threatening to divorce is one of the most obvious things that destroy a marriage. On the other hand, if a person always gets things over with and then stops with the emotional manipulation, he/she does also not deserve to stay in any long-term committed relationship, much less a marital relationship that is so holy.
8 Letting someone come between two sides:
People from a certain part of a spouse’s life can have a negative impact on his/her marriage by being disapproving, whether they are a beloved family member, a good friend, or someone whom the other spouse hardly knows.
It is hard to let all the people around a partner like the other partner. Maybe, a person’s brother/BFF may not like the person’s partner; even a person’s parents may cast aspersion on his/her partner. In such a situation, some steps need to be taken to prevent people outside marriage from driving a wedge between spouses.
Marriage means both spouses should work as a team – two parties should not split from each other spiritually and emotionally. For example, if a spouse’s parents criticize the other one, the spouse should allow them to state their opinion and thank their concern, but meanwhile, he/she should have reservations about their negative comments about his/her spouse, rather than echo back or contradict their opinion (even if they keep hammering away).
From the fundamental sense of marriage, couples should work together against any outer forces that may tear/break them apart; remember, someone else who can come between spouses does not just include a spouse’s friends/family members, the range is so broad. Another example may make this point clearer: after a breakup, an old lover may still attempt to contact his/her ex or even get his/her ex back; in this case, if a spouse does not choose to keep his/her ex at a distance, this will create distance in intimacy in his/her current marriage.
9 Not fighting fair:
In a lot of problematic marriages, couples spend more time complaining about an annoying problem than working to resolve it. Couples inevitably have conflict. The way a couple settles conflict can either tear down or solidify a marriage. Any couple can fight fiercely at some point. But in a healthy, long-term marriage, couples always try to stick to fair-fighting rules, regardless of any situation.
Fighting fair in marriage ensures nobody can win or lose in a fight but helps spouses communicate honestly, openly without judgment. And yet when a spouse doesn’t fight fair (for example, he/she gets nasty and makes venomous personal attacks), probably the other one is at a loss about how to handle this constructively.
For more tips on how to fight fair in a marriage, the post below may give you some insights:
How to fight fair with your spouse – Fight in a healthy way.
The final word:
Surely, there are plenty of other seemingly common things that destroy a marriage; and if you realize that your marriage is failing but you don’t know how to unearth the fundamental problem, you might go on to read the page below to follow the comprehensive marriage-saving guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
5 warning signs of a toxic marriage – Toxic relationship patterns.
Top 5 common little things that ruin a marriage.
What a healthy marriage looks like – How to maintain a marriage.
Notice these warning signs your marriage is headed for divorce.
How to keep your marriage alive – Maintain a happy long term marriage.
How to prevent divorce and make a marriage happy.
What to do when your marriage is struggling – Save the marriage.