Do you struggle with surviving the midlife crisis of your husband?
Now your husband is experiencing a midlife crisis, your husband no longer acts or looks like the man who you ever married; probably a series of dramatic changes of your man makes you confused and frustrated – you have no idea how to deal with his abnormal behavior at this critical stage; and meanwhile, you feel an urgent need to help him snap out of the midlife crisis. Surviving midlife crisis of your husband is like riding a long roller coaster, probably you feel that you still have not got yourself psyched up for it.
When it comes to the midlife crisis of your husband, you should be aware of the 2 points below:
- You can do nothing to fix his midlife crisis, only your husband himself can do that; what you really can do is to figure out how to keep a balanced relationship and continue to live your life to the fullest in spite of your husband’s midlife crisis
- Your husband’s midlife crisis is never your fault, don’t blame yourself for it. Even though your husband attempts to place blame on you, you should know well that it is nothing to do with you, and it is just a symptom that he is feeling out of sorts.
Here’re 7 tips on how to survive the midlife crisis of your husband:
(1) Pay more attention to yourself:
You have no control over what your husband is thinking or doing. When you obsess over it, you will not do your husband and yourself any favor. If you overthink your husband’s problems, your head will likely be filled with excessive negative thoughts and excessive concern directed to what your husband will think/act. In such a situation, how can you stop feeling unsettled?
However, you can be in total control of yourself, you can govern your thoughts and actions; hence, to distract yourself from your thoughts of your husband, you can put your time and energy on other enjoyable things in your life. When you realize that the relationship has been increasingly strained by your husband’s midlife crisis, you may consider being away for some time, for example, you may plan some outdoor activities or go out to learn a new hobby. In short, do whatever you can do to survive the midlife crisis of your husband. Surely, if you have children, your children may also become a victim of your husband’s midlife crisis; so if possible, it will be better to take your children with you to enjoy some fun activities.
(2) Set clear boundaries in your relationship:
You have to accept a fact – he may to do many things that you can’t expect during the midlife crisis; no matter how you feel about him, he is resistant to your interference even though you just do something out of your concern for him. Probably, to some extent, he himself has lapsed into an out-of-control state; and hence, a lot of times, you might let him go as long as he does not do things that damage the relationship. But to prevent your husband’s bad behavior from bringing excessive stress in your life, the two of you could consider setting clear boundaries in your marriage and strictly stick to them.
In particular, a husband who is going through a midlife crisis is more likely to seek an affair than usual. If you notice your husband is prone to infidelity, remind him that you don’t want an extramarital affair to intrude into your life. And understandably, when you suspect your husband is cheating, probably your immediate instinct is to gather information that is related to another woman; and hence, you will attempt to uncover all sorts of his nasty secrets that he keeps from you, perhaps you will spy on him, read his email messages without his permission, go through his phone frequently, or even monitor his computer. But if you make a mistake of treating him with suspicion and mistrust, the relationship will deteriorate further because you do not respect and trust him and he thinks that his boundaries are invaded.
Obviously, it is a tough issue to tell whether your husband is cheating, especially during his midlife crisis; and if you always act like a suspicious wife, you will also demean yourself; when you strongly suspect that he is having an affair, you should learn to gather unquestionable evidence in a safe manner.
For more tips on how to tell if your man is cheating on you, you might go on to read the post below:
Is your spouse cheating – Signs your spouse is having an affair.
(3) Channel your anger appropriately:
What your husband does during his midlife crisis may often provoke your negative reaction – you are tempted to lash out against your husband’s bad behavior. Surely, this reaction is very normal at that time, and it makes you feel comfortable temporarily; but venting your emotions is powerless to change your husband’s thoughts and behavior; on the contrary, it tends to arouse more conflict in your relationship. Negative emotions are hard to avoid because of your husband’s constant irrational behavior, but you should learn to channel your emotions in a way that doesn’t engage with your husband.
In short, remember, cursing, crying, yelling, or screaming doesn’t make any positive change in your married life when your husband is experiencing a life-changing crisis. What you only can do is to channel your emotions into power for other positive projects, such as using it as energy for business, work, art, fitness, or jogging.
(4) Don’t rush to talk about your relationship with your husband:
In the past, your marriage was happy; you and your husband were used to discussing and working out problems and challenges as they emerge. But now, the relationship changes drastically, your husband is unwilling to work through any marital problem. If you realize that your husband deliberately keeps his distance from you, don’t rush to talk about your relationship issues with him, doing so will only push him further away.
You should be aware that a midlife crisis is a big change for your husband, at this point, your husband can lose interest in many things that he liked, and even he may also lose interest in the once-solid relationship. The more you insist on discussing your relationship status, the less interested he will be in you. So, you are not supposed to initiate direct talk about your relationship; and it is also hard for the two of you to get your act together for the time being; so don’t be too needy and clingy, and meanwhile, he also wants you to give him more alone time.
(5) Listen without judgment:
If your husband strikes up a conversation with you, try your best to keep listening without passing your judgment on him. Even though your husband speaks with vehemence, try your best to keep listening without passing judgment. In this way, your husband is more likely to see his own confusion about what he said or did, and meanwhile, you give him no chance to stir up trouble between you and him.
No matter how irrational your husband’s words or behavior is, don’t try to reveal his mistakes, because if you do so, the situation will get worse. During your husband’s midlife crisis, keep in mind not to get your husband to see his mistakes from your perspective; you have to let your husband figure them out on his terms. To keep a marriage going, the majority of wives have to learn to tolerate their husbands when their men are in the midst of the midlife crisis. Understandably, it’s not easy for you to do that, but it is a compulsory course as long as you want to survive the midlife crisis of your husband.
(6) Seek marital therapy:
You may expect your husband to seek marriage therapy, but your husband doesn’t want to. And the odds are your husband stubbornly believes that the person needs to get therapy is you instead of him. Besides that, it is also a good idea to find yourself a reliable marriage therapist to discuss with your husband. A certified marriage therapist is willing to listen to all your concerns about your husband’s midlife crisis, and an experienced therapist can help you deal with a myriad of difficult relationship issues in a productive manner.
The biggest advantage of seeking marital therapy is that both sides can view the therapist as a completely objective third party. You know your friends and family members are all third parties that can give you strong support, but they can’t be as objective as therapists when it comes to dealing with the relationship between you and your husband. No matter what, your relatives and friends certainly stand by your side and don’t want you to be hurt by your husband, and just because of such a biased view, their involvement may cause extra damage to your relationship. When knowing you are being tortured by your husband who is going through a midlife crisis, a lot of your relatives and friends may advise you to strike back at him or simply leave, but that will only add fuel to the flames.
(7) Do what you think is right:
If your husband has already been in deep danger of being destroyed by the midlife crisis (e.g. having an extramarital affair, wasting money like crazy, and becoming verbal/physical abuse), you will feel it is time for you to take immediate action; at this time, you can have two options – one is to go on staying and hope things will go better, do what you can to help him through this crisis, and meanwhile, you should learn to protect yourself and kids during this unavoidable emotional storm; another option is to leave your husband (i.e., sign the divorce paper, move on, and start a new life).
Whichever option you select finally, one thing to keep in mind is that don’t be dragged down to the current level that your husband stays in. If possible, take the high road during the entire process of dealing with your husband’s midlife crisis. Try to avoid doing anything that you will feel ashamed of or regretful later. In case the midlife crisis has thoroughly changed your husband and you feel too tired to continue handling his midlife crisis, you do not have to sink together with him.
The final word:
In general, divorce should not be considered as the first option, most relationships that are affected by a spouse’s midlife crisis are worth saving.
Acceptance and patience are two key points of surviving your husband’s midlife crisis. As time goes on, your husband will open up to you about what he thought and did during the midlife crisis; enough alone time can give each other flexibility in figuring out how to move the relationship forward. Acceptance saves you a lot of time and energy which would have been used to fight against each other. Again, you should be aware that the happening of your husband’s midlife crisis is uncontrollable. The more you revolt against your husband’s unreasonable changes, the more likely you will get stuck in those relationship problems. Surviving his midlife crisis means that you should make adjustments anyway – at this relationship stage, it is wise to seek a way to proactively make adjustments about you, rather than make changes for him reactively.
After surviving the midlife crisis of your husband, you should draw a lesson – to keep your marriage going, you need to learn to accept and handle all sorts of changes rather than dwell on the past because some changes are irreversible.
If you want to learn more about how to save the marriage when your husband is having a midlife crisis, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
7 common signs your husband is having a midlife crisis.
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Why you feel unloved by your husband – How to save your marriage.
Why your husband is unhappy with you – Understand him better.
What you should not do when your husband wants a divorce.
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