Like many other failing marriages, your marriage follows a similar script – as the early passionate stages wear off, you get into trouble in your marriage. And after your marriage hits rough patches one after another, probably now you feel hopeless that your marriage can improve again. However, you should not despair too much, and don’t think your marriage is “special”, because almost all the marriages have to go through ups and downs, and probably you are just walking along a well-trodden road that leads towards marital breakdown.
And many times, a seemingly hopeless marriage is not doomed. Surely, it also won’t bounce back on its own without a spouse’s efforts. And at the critical stage, there are many things a spouse can do to save the failing marriage.
The following are 4 tips on what to do when your marriage seems hopeless:
1 Develop empathy for your spouse:
To salvage your relationship and become a happy couple, there is one important thing you need to be aware of: your spouse is not you; although you two share a life, you two are different individuals with different expectations for marital happiness. Therefore, you should try to walk in your spouse’s shoes, when you have a misunderstanding with him/her.
When your marriage seems hopeless, probably you are anxious to know how to create more marital happiness with your spouse. But whatever action you decide to take, trying to understanding your spouse better is an essential starting point. But as the saying goes, it is easier said than done. Understanding your spouse is never a skill that you naturally have. And it always takes a long time to significantly deepen your understanding of your spouse.
To help you develop your empathy skills, the following are some key points to note:
- Understand your spouse’s reaction better:
Be cognizant of what your spouse reflexively does when he/she is under stress; remind yourself that he/she is hard-wired to react to stressful situations in that way, therefore don’t take it personally; as the person who knows your spouse best, you need to become an expert on your spouse’s reaction; as long as you try your best to keep calm when he/she reacts extremely emotionally to some relationship issues, you will be less likely to be affected by his/her negative emotions; and in doing so, you will not look only at the surface of things, and you are more likely to understand your spouse better; for example, you may realize that sometimes your spouse actually wants to get closer to you, or that he/she secretly wants some more alone time…
By the way, when it comes to how to better understand your spouse better, it is also necessary to get good at reading your spouse’s facial expressions and body language.
- Listen like a pro:
When your spouse is trying to make his/her case, make a point to hear and understand him/her. Of course, hearing him/her does not mean that you should always agree with his/her view, and understanding him/her also does not mean giving in to him/her. Most of the time, what you need to do is to let your spouse feel heard and understood. To achieve this point, you might paraphrase what you have heard after he/she finished speaking, then ask for validation (for example, you might say “Did I get that right?”, or “Is there anything else that I missed?”).
- Be compassionate:
When your marriage seems hopeless, it is also a time that there is a lack of mutual concern between you and your spouse. So, you might as well make the first move to show caring and sensitivity towards him/her; a few examples can make this point clear: when you two part ways, you may send him/her off with a compliment, kiss, or hug; you may simply ask him/her how his/her day went when he/she gets home from work; as soon as you realize that you have hurt your spouse without intending to do so, you might as well be the first to express an apology ( maybe a simple word “sorry” can help relieve his/her feelings at the moment).
2 Recommit to put your marriage first:
When your marriage seems hopeless, probably you are losing sight of those basic agreements that were made to keep the relationship happy and safe. So, above all, you should recommit to putting your marriage first. And probably your understanding of putting your marriage first is not in-depth enough, so some changes in your thoughts are needed. Anyway, when it comes to how to put your marriage first, you must adhere to a basic principle: any individual should not come first in your marital relationship, and anything personal should also not come first in your marriage. Your marriage means that you and your spouse must fuse as a unified whole, you two work together as a team, so the team should come first.
Moreover, you might wrap your mind around the agreements below that help keep your marriage first:
- Radical transparency:
Having transparency in a marriage prevents secrecy, improves intimacy, and promotes longevity. So if possible, open up to each other on all the marital issues; even though some issues inevitably upset your spouse; and you had better be honest with him/her. To foster transparency in your marriage, you should know well that we feel emotionally safe only when we feel that there is no rejection, no condemnation, and no judgment during conversations. And if you two don’t realize this key point, you two will hardly open up to each other, and keeping secrets will be considered as an alternative. And beware, keeping secrets from each other will only inflict further harm to your marriage.
- No threats:
When your marriage seems hopeless, if you attempt to get intimacy back and get a sense of safety back by threatening to divorce, move out, or pack your spouse’s bags, this will only backfire. Threatening your relationship in any way just reinforces distrust, and it is never a healthy element of long-term security and happiness.
- Lead with love:
There is no need to wait for your spouse to act first. As long as you realize that something in your relationship needs to be improved, try to take the lead in doing it. And don’t procrastinate on your work any longer (e.g. when your spouse wants you to do something for him/her, you may have ever deliberately dragged your feet by saying “I’ll do that later”). These actions will only make your spouse feel unloved and unwanted in the relationship.
3 Refocus onto yourself:
When your marriage seems hopeless, probably you are highly emotional about marital issues now; in particular, when you get angry during a heated argument with your spouse, your focus tends to be on him/her or his/her behavior that frustrates you. In such a case, you need to make a shift of your focus – focus inward on your desires and concerns instead of focusing outward on your spouse; the following is an example:
You have helped your spouse put away his/her clothes for many times, and you have repeatedly reminded him/her to stop being messy, but he/she seems to turn a deaf ear to your words, and he/she is still so messy; therefore, you get angry; in this situation, you should know that you can’t get him/her to change for you immediately, so you do not have to dwell on it and do not have to expect too much of him/her; and meanwhile, there must be something else you need to deal with, so put your time and energy on them. And another positive idea is to do your job well to set a good example for him/her. For example, you may get your hands dirty for a neat and orderly kitchen/hall; in doing so, you exert a subtle influence on him/her, and he/she may realize that he/she needs to improve himself/herself.
When your relationship deteriorates to a point where you and your spouse nearly break up, any attempts to force him/her to make changes easily invite his/her defensiveness; thereby, that gets you nowhere. Instead, if you shift your focus to figuring out what you can do at present to improve the relationship, probably the situation will be significantly different.
In short, when your marriage seems hopeless, it is time to learn how to become “self-centered” in the best possible sense. Surely, it is not so easy to figure out what you can do to survive an unhappy marriage, it involves a long process.
4 Take responsibility for your part:
You can’t stop feeling hopeless if you and your spouse do not stop blaming each other and would not like to undertake respective responsibility for marital problems. Taking responsibility does not weaken you; instead, by taking ownership of your mistakes instead of putting all the blame on your spouse alone, you detoxify your marriage and strengthen yourself; besides that, if a person launches groundless accusations against the other person, the person will feel guilty ultimately. So, if you want to heal your broken marriage, try to adopt a humble and fair attitude towards your spouse. To practice this, you may keep the points below in mind:
To be honest with your spouse, you should be honest with yourself first; and being honest with yourself should start with a correct sense of self-awareness. Your being self-aware means acknowledging the impact of your words and actions on your spouse. By being honest with yourself and taking responsibility for your part in this failing relationship, you can handle marital issues more effectively.
When couples are held accountable for their wrong behavior, they often get defensive. Getting defensive is a reaction that you should try to avoid; instead, you should try to respond with awareness and clarity. A good idea of avoiding reacting defensively is to take deep breaths and count to 10 before responding to your spouse; and surely, the most effective way should be to fully consider an issue from your spouse’s perspective. And it is not so easy to think from his/her perspective, especially when you are in an agitated emotional state. By acting instead of reacting, you can become more self-aware and make a more prudent decision. And this is badly needed when your marriage seems hopeless. As we all know, numerous marriages are ruined by impulsive and irrational behavior.
While you take responsibility for your part that leads to the current relationship status, you should learn to forgive and even forget.
It is unavoidable that everyone makes mistakes at some point, and your spouse is also not exceptional. To move past challenges and hurt, you need to learn to forgive your spouse. Be willing to forgive should be viewed as an opportunity for personal and relationship growth. And an essential way to get closure from a failing marriage is to take responsibility for your part and then forgive your spouse. Forgiveness helps build trust and accountability, stop the blame game, and release resentment in a relationship. Of course, being forgiving does not mean you should relieve your spouse of responsibility that he/she should undertake.
Taking responsibility for your behavior requires open and honest communication, as well as the willingness to stop making unhealthy excuses. It is not always an easy thing, but it is an empowering way to grow and learn in a relationship.
The final word:
When your marriage seems hopeless, it is necessary to do something meaningful on a daily basis to foster emotional intimacy in marriage (either in or out of bed). Keep in mind: the more you make your spouse feel loved and respected, the more likely you are to get your relationship back on track.
It is better to attend to the problem when you are seeing the glass of milk teetering on the brink, rather than cry over the spilled milk. As long as you take timely action, you still have a chance of stabilizing the glass. Likewise, if you can address marital problems before they are unmanageable, there is still a chance of fixing your marriage.
If you want to get more expert tips about how to save a failing marriage alone, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Thank you for reading; maybe, you are also interested in the posts below:
6 tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage without divorce.
How to survive an emotionally disconnected marriage.
Is your marriage worth saving – is there hope for your marriage?
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
What should you do when your marriage is on the rocks?
8 tips on marriage reconciliation after separation – survive the separation.