Sometimes when you deal with the ramifications of your spouse’s wrong or even sinful behavior (e.g. verbal abuse, addiction, and infidelity), involuntarily your heart feels broken; you feel a kind of despair and loneliness where everything good is gone in the relationship, and you become confused about whether you should go on to stay in the miserable marriage.
At this point, you need to learn to guard your heart to go through a hurtful experience. Understandably, when we get hurt, we tend to put up blocks; in this way, we want to avoid it happening again. Likewise, for too many married couples who have been deeply hurt by each other, they consider divorce because they have fear of experiencing heartbreaking things again. No wonder, fear can be a compelling force that pushes couples to avoid stubborn issues, drift away from each other, and consider moving on and seeking someone else; but eventually, many people find that they tend to repeat a variety of old same mistakes again in their new relationships, and they may consider divorce again when their new partners break their hearts; by the way, reports find that the average divorce rate for subsequent marriages is significantly higher than that of first marriages…
Therefore, if you are sure that you still love your spouse, especially if you are aware that it makes more sense to rebuild a harmonious marriage with your current spouse than embarking on a new marriage with someone else, you should not give up any chance of healing the relationship.
And the following are some marriage-saving tips on when your spouse hurts your feelings:
1 Be vulnerable and honest with yourself:
Surely, if you choose to let go of the hurt feelings simply, probably you will risk being hurt again; that will be scary. But on the other hand, if you go on to hang on to the fear, you will be at a high risk of losing your marriage; and once you and your spouse go through with a separation or divorce, it will be difficult to recover the relationship again. So as long as you think there is still a glimmer of hope, you do not have to urgently think about leaving; understandably, going on to stay in the marriage and ending the relationship are both tough choices for you; maybe these two choices are both what you want to try, but please keep calm, shift from a “both-and” to an “either-or” mindset, and ask yourself seriously which one choice can bring you true happiness.
2 Be clear about your perspective:
When your spouse hurts your feelings, you should find some uninterrupted time to express your feelings as well as concerns. No wonder, neither of you two would like to hear each other when trading barbs back and forth; at that time, you two are both busy thinking about the next comeback. Now you need to calm down yourself to gather your thoughts, and then you need to find the right time and place to express your hurtful feelings; to let your spouse better understand your frustration and hurt, you might clearly explain why his/her words and actions had the negative impact. On the other hand, you should allow your spouse to explain his/her improper words or behavior that you interpreted as an offense; after all, sometimes we may misinterpret our partners’ motives; and once this is cleared up, it can go a long way towards solving relationship problems.
Furthermore, sometimes you feel an urgent need to talk about something serious; but you had better not corner your spouse and launch an unexpected conversation; this will easily foment his/her hostility. The correct way is to agree together on a suitable time to discuss. This gives each other time to think about what to talk about and how to talk, which will be more likely to result in a productive discussion.
3 Accept your spouse’s apology:
When your spouse offers an apology and you feel that he/she is working on himself/herself to develop a better character, as the offended party, you might consider accepting his/her apology and giving him/her the opportunity of practicing what he/she says.
In all honesty, no one knows your spouse better than you. At this point, you need to have the ability to tell whether your spouse is being truthful or not. Again, don’t simply take your spouse at his/her word, and make sure that he/she is working on major issues that hinder the development of the relationship.
4 Keep communication open:
A prolonged lack of communication can develop into a big killer of a problematic relationship. Understandably, when you feel heartbroken, you become emotionally distant, and you feel reluctant to talk with your spouse; but the less communication you two have, the further you two drift from each other; so on the road to getting the relationship back on track, you must be aware that keeping communication open is better than giving a silent treatment;
In fact, in normal times, you are aware that keeping communication open and honest is the most effective way to keep things smooth. But after you are hit by a wave of strong negative emotions, you may get extremely irrational and emotional; and you may deliberately avoid communication because you are afraid that something will trigger your emotional outbursts during communication; in such a situation, you have to learn to calm down yourself as soon as possible; and when you feel the need to talk with your spouse about something, you don’t have to avoid communication, just remind yourself to stick to expressing your point of view calmly and rationally.
5 Start fresh with real forgiveness:
Forgiveness is a key that unlocks us from the painful past. And in a broken marriage, starting fresh with forgiveness can be viewed as a positive step that a spouse is willing to take towards healing the marital rift. As the party that is hurt, you may feel it is so struggling to decide whether to forgive your spouse; after all, you need enough time to judge whether your spouse is genuinely remorseful and is sincere about turning a new leaf; it is natural;
On the other hand, don’t think forgiving your spouse just means giving your spouse the chance of mending himself/herself; forgiving your spouse does also not mean that you were not in the wrong or that you do not need to make some necessary changes; instead, you should also avail yourself of the opportunity to improve yourself in some aspect. Maybe, your spouse has bruised your fragile ego and sapped your confidence, so you need to learn to gain confidence back and boost your self-esteem; maybe you have found yourself slipping into negative patterns of thinking, you have felt like your married life has been grey and joyless to you, or maybe you have to admit that you also did something wrong and hurt your spouse when you were hurt by him/her….
In short, now that you decide to forgive your spouse, you should also try to build self-improvement into your daily routine and be a better version of yourself.
6 Set clear boundaries:
A long-term relationship without clear, respectful boundaries will easily break a partner’s heart. Maybe, you feel heartbroken because you think that your spouse has crossed some of your crucial boundaries knowingly or unknowingly. Actually, a lot of problematic couples do not pay sufficient attention to must-have healthy boundaries in marriage; as a spouse continuously behaves in the way the other one did not expect, the other one will feel disappointed and heartbroken sooner or later. And re-establishing explicit, healthy boundaries is an effective measure that couples can take to facilitate intimacy, especially after a spouse feels hurt by what the other one does;
For more related tips, you might go on to read the post below:
Must-have boundaries in marriage – Communicate your boundaries.
7 Don’t take your spouse’s hurtful words literally:
It needs reiteration that sometimes your spouse’s hurtful words have the tremendous power to hurt beyond what you imagine. But while dealing with those words, you should avoid getting hung up on the literal meaning of what he/she may have spoken to you. Sometimes, your spouse’s angry words are not aimed at you, something which is unknown to you may cause him/her to get into trouble, and it is his/her own frustration that makes him/her lash out at you; sometimes, when your spouse says hurtful words to you, he/she is also hurting himself/herself; and sometimes, he/she may resent something you did to him/her, and it comes forth in exaggerated words during an argument/fight… Probably, a lot of your spouse’s hurtful words are not worth taking seriously, just let go of them.
8 Do not bring other unnecessary things or people into it:
When your spouse hurts your feelings, it is hard for you to avoid reacting emotionally to his/her verbal nastiness, and then probably you will be tempted to bring some irrelevant people/things into the fight/argument. Maybe, you attempt to get over your spouse’s hurtful words in this way; but this will only lead to a further escalation, and the fight/argument will last longer and hurt each other more deeply. At this critical stage, a wide range of issues can easily arouse another fight or argument; therefore, as long as you realize that an argument/fight is about a particular issue, you should resist the temptation to get other things or people involved.
Again, to save your marriage, you need to seek simple ways to resolve a variety of matters that may make things worse or complicated, just try to stick to the issues at hand and don’t take them personally.
The final word:
Inevitably, there can be hurt feelings in a long-term relationship, whether coming from an argument, a fight, or even an accident that your spouse says or does something disappointing, invidious, or beyond your restraint; for every spouse who desires to have a long-lasting marriage, it is a compulsory course to learn how to handle the situation and move the relationship forward when they feel hurt.
For more marriage-saving tips about when your spouse hurts your feelings, you might go on to read the page below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
Don’t miss these subtle signs your marriage might be in trouble.
What to do when your marriage is struggling – Save the marriage.
9 basic tips on how to deal with a dismissive-avoidant spouse.