Do you constantly bicker and argue with your spouse? Do you feel pain when you say “blue’ but your spouse claims it should be “green”? After you calm down and reflect on those arguments, you may realize that most of them are so unnecessary or even ridiculous. Surely, no matter how hard you try to avoid arguments in your marriage, they can not be entirely avoidable; but you have to admit that most of those arguments that did not make sense should have been avoided.
Inevitably, you disagree with your spouse on a certain issue at some point. But when you think that you have to argue or even fight with your spouse about something, you should make it worthwhile. Otherwise, that kind of argument will only chip away at the mutual connection.
Widespread reports found that conflicted households cause a series of problems to married couples as well as their family members; note: not just for the parties who get involved in arguments, the emotional and physical health of other innocent family members, especially children, can also be adversely affected by constant arguments in marriage;
In a marriage, the long-standing conflict can erode positive feelings for each other; and even more so when a couple has lost control over the same argument that becomes fiercer and fiercer.
For a lot of married couples, bickering and arguing has become a daily habit or a norm; in their view, if they don’t argue, there will not be a lot of communication in their married life. So, do you have this type of viewpoint, and is it right? That is not the case. Reducing unnecessary arguments does not mean you have to keep silent. You can maintain regular communication without getting into frequent arguments; surely, this requires wisdom, patience, and efforts.
The following are 6 tips on how to reduce arguments in a marriage:
(1) Maintain a good ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict:
Again, negative interactions are unavoidable in any love relationship; and yet when the number of positive interactions is more than the number of negative interactions within a period of time, the relationship still can stay positive and move forward. So have you ever tried to maintain a balanced ratio between positive and negative interactions, especially when a heavy wave of negative thoughts is hitting your brain? And if you have no knowledge about this, a ratio under 5:1 is a good idea; it means there should be at least 5 positive interactions with your spouse for every negative interaction.
So examine your relationship; if you realize that the ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict is too low, you should make a conscious effort to let you two engage in more positive interactions than negative.
(2) Recognize an argument for what it is:
Except for some arguments are about important issues, a bigger number of arguments are worthless and negative interactions for married couples who argue constantly.
An argument can be defined as follows: two parties with two different opinions are attempting to change each other’s opinion, but meanwhile, they are unwilling to think about changing their own. Sometimes when we are talking with someone about an issue whether it is important or not, we are just unwilling to understand it from his/her perspectives, and this is the main cause of arguments in our daily life. Likewise, when you constantly live in denial that your spouse is going to change your mind, you are tempted to argue with him/her.
So, ask yourself whether you have stamped a negative stereotype on your spouse and you have been personally resistant to whatever he/she is saying to you; if so, you might start with changing your thoughts and actions, even though your spouse treats you as badly as you do. When your spouse feels that you start to listen to him/her carefully and value his/her opinion, especially when he/she senses that you have started to change because of his/her thoughts, even though the change is small, he/she may appreciate what you do for him/her; in return, probably he/she will stop reacting so defensively or aggressively when interacting with you. In the long run, unnecessary arguments in your marriage can be reduced significantly.
(3) Reflect on whether an argument is a power struggle or not:
When you feel that an argument has become a power struggle in the relationship, the team spirit is undermined, even though the argument is not so heated. For example, if you have the same argument with your spouse over and over, it shows that you are inclined to work on a “You/Me” level instead of a “We” level. The less you feel like you and your spouse are not on a team (especially when your spouse feels like your enemy), the more tempted you are to argue, and that can further cause unnecessary arguments. In such a case, you should pause and focus your attention on how to improve teamwork in your marriage.
And if you want to get more tips on how to work together as a team in your marriage, you might go on read the post below:
How to be a team with your spouse – Develop teamwork in marriage.
(4) Reflect on whether an argument is caused by emotional disconnection:
An argument may be also a symptom of a feeling of being disconnected; as one or both of you feel disconnected in the relationship, the growing pain can lead to a build-up of negative emotions like frustration, confusion, and anger. And probably bickering and arguing becomes an outlet of those pent-up emotions; for a spouse who feels emotionally disconnected in a marriage, he/she may be sorely tempted to find reasons to bicker and argue; many times, he/she may start an argument by raising trivial matters that are not worth arguing, or even some annoying issues that have little to do with his/her spouse. The example below may make this point clear:
Jason has always felt ignored, rejected, and discounted by his wife Melissa’s improper comments on him that she ever made in front of other people, but he never asked her why she said so, he always bottles up his resentment and anger, and meanwhile, Melissa has never realized the relationship problem caused by her unintentional offense; as Jason’s bad feelings about Melissa becomes more and more intense, sometimes he feels that he can no longer suppress those feelings, and then he chooses to vent them through verbal jabs, hurtful words, and useless arguments; obviously, they are not about what he is saying, but deeply rooted from his inner feeling of being disconnected; what is worse, the more he argues, the more he feels emotionally disconnected from Melissa.
In the case above, for Melissa, taking the initiative to connect with Jason can help reduce arguments in the relationship, and that is also what Jason secretly wants from her; on the other hand, for Jason, he should also try to contain his emotions in conversations with Melissa; many misunderstandings in marriage are caused by lack of effective communication between spouses; and as the mutual connection deepens, he may be surprised to find that Melissa did not mean to put him down and that she has also been feeling disconnected.
For more tips on how to stop feeling emotionally disconnected in your marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
How to survive an emotionally disconnected marriage.
(5) Seek to understand each other:
Seeking to understand is the antithesis of an argument; an argument occurs when we insist that our own viewpoints are correct or better; and when we are arguing, we are tempted to ask each other to see things in our own ways; by contrast, seeking to understand assumes there may be more than one way of viewing and dealing with something. As regards a controversial issue, couples may come up with different opinions and solutions, and many times it is hard or unnecessary to say which angle or solution is better; so when you wonder how to reduce arguments in a marriage, seeking mutual understanding is an important aspect. And surely, one of you gets to take the first step, so you might seek to understand your spouse’s thoughts before being understood.
Furthermore, you should be aware of the point: seeking to understand does not mean you have to agree with your spouse’s opinion, it is about letting your spouse feel that you have understood how he/she thinks about something; for your spouse, usually what he/she craves most during conflict is to feel understood by you, he/she also does not insist that you shall agree with his/her opinion all the time, feeling understood is even more important for him/her than agreeing with him/her.
(6) Give feedback more positively:
In married life, one spouse always wants to receive more positive feedback from the other one during interactions. Your spouse is also not exceptional. However, nobody is perfect; when you phrase your feedback about your spouse’s unsatisfactory performance, annoying habits, poor achievements in entirely negative terms, probably the feedback bruises your spouse’s ego and thereby turns into an argument. And the paragraph below makes this point clear:
Even if he/she is tough and open enough to accept your negative feedback, your spouse never enjoys being told what he/she has done wrong; and put yourself in your spouse’s shoes, if your spouse was unleashing a wave of criticisms against you because of your mistakes or wrongdoings, could you imagine how much you could tolerate before your frustration and anger poured forth as a way to counter your spouse’s criticisms in argumentative tones?
So when it comes to how to reduce arguments in a marriage, you should attach importance to the influence of feedback that you give to your spouse.
Understandably, when you are bothered or frustrated by something your spouse does to you, your mind is full of his/her dreadful behavior as well as negative emotions, and you are tempted to give very negative feedback; especially when your spouse indeed makes a mistake in doing something important, it is not so easy to give feedback more positively or less negatively: after all, you need to carefully think about some of his/her efforts that he/she made during the process are still worthy of your recognition or appreciation.
The final word:
If you and your spouse have constant arguments and bickering, especially if those arguments are often not about big issues but trivial matters, it should be viewed as a sign of a failing relationship. Unnecessary arguments only widen the rift between you and your spouse; in numerous cases of divorce, constant worthless arguments are found to play a role in accelerating deterioration of marriages. Remember, marital happiness will wear off sooner or later if you and your spouse continue to devote your energies to those seemingly endless arguments that are a waste of time.
No doubt, there are a lot of things that you can do to save your marriage from the destruction of unfair arguments. If you want to learn more about how to reduce arguments in a marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a world-renowned marriage coach who has 12+ years of experience working with problematic couples to repair and improve their marriages; the guidance will not only remind you of some alternatives of arguing but also point out a series of rules for making an argument fair and keeping an argument from getting-out-of-hand.
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to defuse conflict in marriage – Calm down a heated argument.
How to deal with marital conflict – Resolve conflict in marriage.
6 tips on how to make up with your spouse after a fight.
How to fight fair with your spouse – Fight in a healthy way
Top 5 things married couples fight about – Most common fights in marriage.
How to fix the marriage when your spouse hurts your feelings.