Codependency means excessive reliance on one person; it is an unbalanced, unhealthy connection; in a codependent marriage, the codependent spouse devotes too much time to pleasing his/her spouse; and even the codependent spouse would rather give up his/her personal identity, needs, and interests to maintain the relationship; meanwhile, he/she also badly wants his/her spouse to be always attentive to him/her. In fact, when a marriage falls into codependency, the codependent spouse becomes an enabler to abusive habits.
Codependent marriages are dysfunctional because they are one-sided, emotionally abusive, and emotionally destructive; when a spouse doesn’t have self-sufficiency or autonomy, the marriage inhibits his/her personal growth. And if unchecked, codependency can turn into a factor contributing to the deterioration of a marriage.
If you recognize yourself as codependent in your married life, here’re some tips to break the cycle:
- Don’t set high expectations for your spouse:
As a codependent spouse, probably you have too high expectations for your spouse; you expect him/her to give as much as he/she has already received. Usually, you choose to give a lot more to your spouse first, and then you silently hope that he/she will satisfy your emotional needs with a proactive attitude; but eventually, you are not satisfied with what you get from him/her; you feel unmet and discounted; so you want him/her to do more for you in return; and such an expectation promotes the codependent cycle.
And as a codependent spouse, you may even believe that your spouse should love you unconditionally, regardless of the situation; you fantasize about the relationship; so you take it for granted that your spouse should give more care and love to you.
Therefore, you can hardly grow out of the codependent cycle unless you can learn how to give your spouse a reasonable expectation.
- Focus more on yourself:
Focusing too much on someone else is a primary symptom of codependency. So, if you admit that you are more focused on your spouse instead of yourself, you need to make a drastic change. Turning the focus onto yourself doesn’t mean you will become selfish. It should be perceived as a kind of behavior that shows respect for your spouse’s autonomy and boundaries.
On the other hand, one of the goals of overcoming codependency in marriage should be to develop self-esteem and self-care.
And when you are codependent, there are two ways to better take care of yourself:
- Break away from your spouse’s problems and allow him/her to have his/her own space. This may be challenging for you at first, but try to persist in doing so. Gradually, you will find that your spouse can do most things completely on his/her own.
- Figure out which things are the ones that you want to do for yourself. There must be some things you want to try but you haven’t tried. Probably, in the codependent relationship, you seldom think of those things you can do on your own that can make yourself feel more relaxed and replenished.
- Validate your own self-worth:
In a healthy marriage, a spouse who has good self-esteem does not constantly look for the other one’s approval to survive emotionally; by contrast, a codependent spouse lacks the internal sense of self-esteem; therefore his/her emotions are more likely to be affected by his/her spouse’s comments on him/her because he/she feels undervalued and wants to gain the recognition his/her actions deserve; understandably, his/her codependent behavior is often motivated by a desire to please his/her partner and win his/her partner’s approval.
So if you admit that you are more attentive to what can please your spouse than what can meet your own needs, or if you admit that you are inclined to trust your spouse’s opinion about your performance than trusting your own, you should improve your self-esteem by practicing compassion on yourself; more specifically, you might try to meet your emotional needs by cultivating more empathy for yourself instead of harshly judging everything you do; be a little easier on yourself and enjoy yourself more. Self-nurturing practices help prevent codependency in marriage because the feeling of self-worth you are working to develop is internal rather than external.
- Spend more time apart:
As a codependent spouse, you should try to spend more time apart from your spouse. In this codependent relationship, probably you have a strong feeling: nothing feels right when your spouse is not at your side. But one of the keys to a happy marriage is both spouses being able to spend some time apart from each other; so if you commit to keeping your marriage alive, you should try to step outside of your relationship once in a while.
In particular, due to your codependency, probably relationships with a lot of your friends have become more and more distant and indifferent, so now it is time to revive your old friendships; on the other hand, spending quality time with your friends is also a good way to survive the time apart from your spouse.
What should you do when your spouse is codependent?
- Set up clear boundaries:
Boundaries should be viewed as a way to take care of ourselves. A clear boundary acts as an emotional fence that reminds your spouse of what is allowable/acceptable and what is not allowable/acceptable for you. And when we don’t practice healthy boundaries in a love relationship, we do not respect ourselves, and we can also hardly ask our partners to respect us.
Probably, you have not established clear boundaries in your relationship, and thus you give your spouse the chance to tread into the territory where your boundaries are crossed; and many times, you just expect your spouse to read your mind correctly on his/her own and hope that things will go well as what you look forward to; due to the fear of disapproval and rejection, you don’t dare to assert your true feelings in front of your spouse; and meanwhile, you spend too much time worrying about your spouse’s feelings; in this course, you easily let go some important boundaries in your life, or some of your boundaries may have not been in place.
Therefore, you have to learn to say “no” to him/her once you realize that he/she oversteps your boundaries. By the way, saying “no” does not mean that you are disrespectful or selfish, and it just means you need to look for your well-being.
- Take responsibility for yourself:
If you realize that you always give but rarely get your desirable things in return, it is a warning sign that you are sacrificing your health and well-being to support your spouse. That creates an opportunity for him/her to remain irresponsible and provides an environment that fosters his/her dependency. In any healthy marriage, both spouses should look at each other as a teammate, responsibility should not fall on only one party, support should go both ways, otherwise “the responsible one” will feel taken advantage of and the “irresponsible one” will become more and more codependent.
Surely, kindness is a trait that people consider one of the keys to being a “good person”. But if you find you are the one who always swallows your needs to attend to your spouse’s, it is time to reexamine your and your spouse’s roles and reassign responsibility for each other; anyway, just commit yourself to being as responsible as you possibly can.
- Encourage honesty:
You might put yourself into your spouse’s shoes: as a codependent spouse, probably he/she is not assertive enough to express his/her own feelings, thoughts, and needs due to fear of rejection; and that can be one the reasons why he/she is codependent. To get your spouse to be more independent in your married life, you should encourage your spouse to be honest with himself/herself rather than deny his/her own wants, feelings, and needs; and you might offer positive support to him/her when he/she looks as if he/she wants to talk about something.
And likewise, if you sense he/she is not forthright about his/her needs, you might encourage him/her to speak them out, and tell him/her that he/she does not have to bend your needs. For example, if your spouse always lets you make plans for dinner and go along with your choices of foods, you might be proactive about asking what he/she would like to eat at a dinner party. The more open he/she is to his/her feelings, thoughts, and needs, the more willing he/she is to gain independence.
The final word:
It is true that couples should be able to rely on their marriages for emotional support; but if a spouse is overly reliant on the other one for emotional support and help, the marriage is also toxic. So if you feel you are living in a codependent marriage, you and your spouse should work hard to strike a new balance between dependence and independence in the relationship. In short, a happy marriage must be an interdependent relationship of equals, not a hierarchy.
If you want to learn more about how to save your marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is provided by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
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7 common things that ruin a marriage slowly – Save your marriage.