You know that your marriage is getting frayed around the edges; and yet you think the relationship can be healed, so you want to go on staying in the marriage. However, you are unsure of what your spouse thinks about the relationship; probably you just feel that he/she has been acting a little differently.
If so, you might pay attention to these potential warning signs your spouse wants a divorce:
1 It seems your spouse is ready to argue over almost everything:
An obvious increase in the intensity and frequency of arguments is a clear indicator that your marriage is having problems. Surely, almost all married couples disagree and have arguments from time to time; and as long as those arguments can lead to resolutions rather than leave lingering hard feelings, they are healthy for relationships.
However, when arguments tend to arise over almost any issue (most of the time, you do not intend to provoke your spouse into an argument), you had better carefully think about whether there are some motivations of your spouse that you are not aware of. For example, if you are just a few minutes late for dinner but your spouse rages against you and then both of you go to bed angry for the fourth time this week, most likely the relationship problem is not as simple as it appears. When this kind of argument happens frequently and tends to blow small disagreements or grievances out of proportion, it indicates your relationship is headed in the wrong direction.
In healthy marriages, couples usually argue over critical issues at hand without dragging irrelevant issues, and deal with those arguments in a constructive and civilized manner, even though they also argue frequently within a certain period; and they would not like to dissipate their energies in pointless arguments. But for a spouse who wants a divorce, he may suddenly become another person who has a bad temper and holds his/her partner in aversion, and then arguments become daily occurrences.
If you need more tips on how to reduce arguments effectively, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to reduce arguments in a marriage – Reconnect your spouse.
6 tips on how to make up with your spouse after a fight.
2 Your spouse is no longer willing to address marital conflict:
It is easy for a spouse who wants a divorce to go to extremes when dealing with marital conflict. So another potentially serious sign of a failing marriage is when your spouse seems to have stopped trying to resolve any marital conflict.
Probably, you and your spouse have ever had frequent heated debates or arguments, but nothing got resolved eventually. In this case, your spouse may despair of maintaining the relationship because he/she may feel as if there will no longer be a way to live together happily no matter how hard he/she tries. And now your spouse seems to have a tendency to avoid conflict and withdraw from communication.
And when the conflict in marriage accumulates to a certain level, there will be a compelling outbreak – a more heated fight; as a result, your spouse may feel thoroughly heartbroken, and then he/she may strongly believe that a divorce is the only option. If things go on like this, you will become the only one who wants to save the marriage.
If left unchecked, long-term conflict-avoidance can lead to distancing and even divorce. By the way, if you need more tips on how to make up with your spouse after an intense argument or fight, you might go on to read the post below:
6 tips on how to make up with your spouse after a fight.
3 Your spouse is no longer interested in having sex with you:
Usually, a spouse who wants a divorce is emotionally distant, absent, and unavailable in married life; especially if the spouse becomes chronically reluctant to have sex with his/her spouse, it can be a strong indication that the spouse has emotionally checked out of the relationship. Sex can serve as a barometer for the overall quality of your relationship. For example, if you and your spouse always fight and then lose the sense of emotional connection, your sex life will naturally suffer.
Furthermore, dull or non-existent sex life can also be an issue of its own; for instance, it can be caused by a low sex drive or fading attraction.
Anyway, for almost any spouse, a sexless marriage means losing a deep part of himself/herself in a love relationship; and if a spouse always appears uninterested in sex or always keeps turning down sex in married life, a major reason for this is that the spouse has got bored with sex in the long term relationship; in addition, there may be another reason: he/she has been sexually fulfilled outside of the marriage; so if this problem goes unresolved for a long time, it can put a marriage on the fast track to breakup or divorce.
For more tips on how to survive in a sexless marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
how to survive in a sexless marriage – is a sexless relationship doomed?
4 Your absence makes him/her happier:
In happy relationships, a partner enjoys spending time with the other one – he/she cherishes his/her partner’s company, he/she is willing to be open to his/her partner, and he/she likes to engage in playful, lighthearted behavior with his/her partner. But for a spouse who wants a divorce, usually, he/she feels stressed when his/her spouse is around him/her. And once his/her spouse is away, he/she feels relieved instantly. In particular, if you notice the changes below in your spouse’s behavior and attitudes, you should take them as a red flag for the relationship.
- When he/she is with you, he/she rarely laughs with you, he/she seems to be indifferent to you, or he becomes chronically impatient with you.
- When he/she is stressed, he/she seems to be eager to confide in anyone other than you.
- He/she would rather stay outside longer than go home early to accompany you.
5 He/she starts to become shifty about money:
If you notice your spouse’s behavior regarding money has dramatically changed, this can be a warning sign that your marriage is undergoing a significant change. For example, if you notice that he/she has moved money around from the joint account without telling you, or if you find out that he/she has initiated a new account that is not intertwined with yours, that probably means he/she keeps something from you; and this kind of changes may be an early sign that he/she wants a divorce; maybe he/she is supporting someone else outside the relationship; maybe he/she thinks that he/she will leave you sooner or later, so he/she is trying to build up more savings before dividing the assets.
On the other hand, if your spouse wants a divorce, he/she may become very reluctant to spend money for improving the quality of family life; since he/she will quit the marriage, he/she may think there is no need to go on to pay much for the family.
6 Your spouse is no longer interested in the marital future:
People can give a lot of reasons for divorce, but all those reasons come down to the variation of a basic truth – they don’t think they can build a nice future with their current spouses, and they have lost their hope for the marital future. And for a spouse who wants a divorce, he/she is inclined to show little interest when his/her spouse is speaking about any topic associated with their future married life (e.g. how to educate children, how to thrive with an empty nest, how to decorate the house, and how to plan a family vacation).
So if you feel that your spouse no longer looks forward to a future life that includes you, it is very likely a red flag that your relationship is heading for the rocks.
7 He/she has no longer empathized with you:
To sustain a marriage, couples need to constantly understand each other’s perspectives, emotions, and feelings. There are times when we feel hopeless, frustrated, lonely, sad, upset… At that point, we need emotional support and empathy, especially from intimate people. Empathy grows intimacy in marriage. In other words, the constant absence of empathy from your spouse means he/she no longer wants to be intimate with you.
Thus, selfish behavior or lack of empathy should be perceived as another warning sign that your spouse wants a divorce, especially if you sense that your spouse has empathy for everyone but you. And lack of empathy can take a variety of forms, such as below:
- Dismissing or not caring about your mental or physical health challenges.
- Putting his/her own interests before the interests of the family.
- Unwillingness to help you when you are under significant external stress.
- Deny your request to talk about the serious relationship problems.
- Deliberately making statements or taking an action that he/she knows well is hurtful to you.
- Placing blame on relationship problems entirely on you despite considerable evidence to the contrary.
The final word:
Marriage can not be plain sailing. It is quite normal for a spouse to contemplate divorce at some point. And if you decide your spouse wants a divorce but you want to try to salvage the marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to adopt more valuable suggestions that are provided by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
What not to do when your spouse wants out – Save the marriage.
How to change yourself to save your marriage – Be your best.
Should you divorce your spouse – Top reasons for divorce.