Regardless of what you try to do to fix the broken marriage, there are no guarantees that your husband will come back to you. And after he has left you, your best bet is to begin with letting him go. Yes, if you want to try your best to get your husband back after separation, you should resist the urge to instantly connect with him
Understandably, you are so upset about his leaving, you want him back; but right now, you had better calm down yourself and try to deeply understand what his departure means and how he feels about you. Maybe, you can’t believe that you have made some serious mistakes that have ruined the relationship; maybe, you dwell on painful feelings, you are so despairing that you are not able to handle the deft, delicate diplomacy that can have a positive impact on your relationship… But probably, in your man’s mind, you are so incorrigible, and you are a hot mess, a wreck, a basket case; probably, he thinks that he can’t trust you anymore, and he is unwilling to negotiate about how to recover the relationship… Anyway, only you can figure those things out on your own.
Again, letting him go does not mean you do not have to do anything.
To have a decent chance of getting him back, you have many things to do.
(1) First of all, you need to take a long break from the marriage:
Before taking action to get your man back, you might take a long break. Not only do you need some time and rest, but your husband wants a chance to cool down. And it is not counterproductive to argue about relationship problems while you are both angry.
(1-1) Avoid unnecessary contact:
Surely, taking a break does not mean you do not need to do anything that is involved with the relationship; at this stage, you are just advised to reduce interaction and communication with your man as much as possible. For example, you might begin a month of no communication (e.g. no texting, no emails, no calls, no contact on social media, and so on). In short, don’t contact your husband unless there is a necessity or urgency. Therefore, some kind of “housekeeping” communication (e.g. communication about bill paying, and child-raising) should be allowed; but make sure to keep that type of message brief. Probably, when you say those unnecessary words to your estranged husband, he is tempted to turn them into a type of moral boasting or emotional weapon.
(1-2) Deal with your negative emotions in a healthy way:
Improving your mood is an important thing that you need to do during the quiet period. Probably, you still feel stuck in negative emotions; for example, you feel very angry and anxious about the relationship status; you feel that you have low energy and high tension because you are still seized by a bad mood; therefore, releasing those pent-up emotions is a matter of urgency. And exercise is always a good outlet for frustration, sadness, and rage. So you might go for a walk, take a run, have a bike ride, or get to the gym. In particular, vigorous exercise can help change your perspective on problems that beset you.
As we all know, a person who works out regularly looks more attractive and interesting. In doing so, your man can feel that you have had a better state of mind after you reassume contact with him; this will help make him revise his original impression of you. In other words, if you always look like a blubbering, pitiful wreck, you are not attractive to him because he wants a grown-up relationship with a mature woman.
(1-3) Spend enough time alone in reflection:
The quiet period should also be viewed as an opportunity to reflect on what you did contribute to his departure. You must think seriously about it; then be honest to yourself and your man about the part that you played in the marital crisis. For example, did you nag or neglect your man? Did you cheat on him? Did you abuse him in some way? Was your behavior a bit out of bounds when you drank too much? One day you make your case to him that you should reconcile with him, you need to admit your mistakes and wrongdoings; and it will be better if you can instantly show him that you have already changed yourself and that those unpleasant things won’t happen again. Therefore, now you should start to deeply reflect upon yourself.
(2) Be vulnerable with him:
Don’t just view vulnerability as a weakness. Being vulnerable is OK in a close relationship. Everybody is vulnerable at some point, no matter how they try to avoid it. And during marital separation, your vulnerability is also the driving force of emotional connection, and it can be brave or tender.
Being open and vulnerable can be powerful; especially if you don’t often reveal your innermost feelings, by showing him your vulnerable side, he is more likely to feel connected. And the more difficult/embarrassed you feel to do this, the more necessary it is for you.
Next up, let’s talk about two aspects that you should pay attention to when you are vulnerable with him:
(2-1) “I want you back”:
Understandably, you have thought it for many times; but at the proper time when your husband is willing to sit and talk with you, you need to say it out loud without crying, pleading, or begging.
It may seem obvious that you badly want him back. But he needs to clearly know that you intend to repair the broken marriage and that you are working hard to get him back. Therefore, when you tell him, “I want you back”, you might also as well tell him how you have felt during time apart, why you want to reconcile, and how important he is to you.
(2-2) “What did I do wrong?”:
If the breakup has always made you feel dazed and confused, don’t forget to get clarification when you are vulnerable with your husband; it should be your top priority to figure out what on earth happened, so don’t feel awkward to ask this question.
The time apart gives you two a good chance to cool off; and after you two restore peace of mind, probably one or both of you want to go on to discuss those unresolved relationship problems; so when you are vulnerable with him, you should have the guts to discuss your shortcomings/faults/resentments. Of course, make sure to talk about them in a frank and open manner. Remember, a broken marriage can hardly move forward unless both sides can put all the cards on the table. So you might make the first step bravely.
(3) Commit to change:
You should begin addressing your mistakes during your time apart. And the more you correct your mistakes, the more likely he is to see that you are working hard to change. Anyway, he needs to hear that you have known where you went wrong, he wants you to voluntarily apologize, and he wants to see that you are taking steps to improve yourself; hence, other than using your practical action to prove that you have genuinely started to change, it is also necessary to say it out loud. And after seeing that you are trying to change, he can know well that you are taking those words seriously.
(4) Tell him that you want to end the separation:
After you have gone through a long period of no contact, apologized, and committed to change, what is the next thing to do? You should tell him that you want to make it up to him and end the separation. Then you have come into the most uncertain stage of separation because the ball is in his court; it is up to him whether he should reconcile with you, although you have already taken many efforts to improve yourself as well as the relationship.
If he eventually comes around, make sure to fulfill the promises that you have made about improving yourself; if he is still determined to leave you, let him go, you still need to move on (understandably, this is hard to swallow; after all, you have put in so much work, you may feel like all your efforts are wasted); in this situation, you should take better care of yourself. For example, eat better, and have a good trip alone; if you feel like you are torn apart or that you are lack of passion or drive, you might gain passion for life by turning your focus towards what you are good at doing and what you like to do.
The final word:
As long as you have tried your best to win your husband back, you do not have to think much about what things will be. Even if you fail to get him back eventually, taking this action can give you a sense of closure; whatever the result might be, you will learn the lessons and look ahead.
If you need more tips on how to get your husband back after separation, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
What you should not do when your husband wants a divorce.
8 tips on marriage reconciliation after separation – Survive the separation.
How to deal with an emotionally distant husband – Make him open up.
How to survive an emotionally disconnected marriage.
What should you do when your husband says he hates you.
How to connect more with your husband – Make him feel connected.
How to change yourself to save your marriage – Be your best.