You had an affair with the other woman, but finally, you chose to put an end to the affair out of the consideration for your family; and now you have confessed your affair to your wife. After the battle of her mind, she agreed to continue the relationship and give you the chance to heal the broken marriage. Nevertheless, she still does not forgive you completely in spite of your great efforts. Inevitably, you feel uneasy, frustrated and at a loss about how to get your wife to forgive you after cheating. So, is it too late to take action to save your marriage now?
If your wife has a difficult time forgiving you, the tips below may be of some help to you.
First of all, you need to be aware that getting her forgiveness must go through a process, this process ebbs and flows; it starts, suddenly pauses, and then starts again. There are too many affair-related issues that can create the hurt that causes her to hesitate, so you must be clear on one point – Forgiveness is never a one-shot decision for your wife.
Forgiving you takes time; and if your wife occasionally dwells on or fret about your wrongs of the past, that doesn’t necessarily mean her refusal to forgive. Understandably, certain unexpected sights, sounds, and memories are all likely to trigger a painful episode. In this situation, if you can’t be patient and considerate to her, it will only create more hurt.
Next, you should know that fear is always an obstacle to forgiveness. Mercy is often blocked by fear.
There are 3 main kinds of fear that can make it hard for your wife to move through the process of forgiveness.
- Your wife may be afraid of losing power or control:
To focus on helping your wife let go of wanting to control you, you need to be man enough to demonstrate your trustworthiness and admit that you had done seriously wrong; let your wife feel that you are willing to take the consequences, and assure her regularly that you have deeply understood your faults have affected her as well as the relationship. Surely, the most important thing is to show her that you have drawn the lessons and that you are taking real action to guard against faulty tendencies.
- Your wife may fear that she can’t punish your wrongdoings:
Probably, your wife is still in a fit of anger, and she wants to give you a punishment by letting you experience some of her hurt that you have ever put her through. You should regard it as a normal stage of the process of forgiveness; and hence you have to be patient enough, whether your wife is wrong or right. What you can do is to show her that you have been very remorseful and that you desire to get the relationship back on track.
Probably, your wife is still in a fit of anger, and she wants to give you a punishment by letting you experience some of her hurt that you have ever put her through. You should regard it as a normal stage of the process of forgiveness; and hence you have to be patient enough, whether your wife is wrong or right. What you can do is to show her that you have been very remorseful and that you desire to get the relationship back on track.
So, how to get your wife to forgive you if she always treats you like that? Don’t worry too much. As long as you keep being humble about her, sooner or later her nerves will be touched and she will be inclined to start to ask herself a series of questions, like ”Should I forgive him?”, and “Will withholding forgiveness pay off?”; this type of question can promote healing of the relationship, but certainly, it takes time.
- Your wife may be afraid of forgetting about the past:
Be understanding to your wife. Let your wife know that you do not suppose that she should forget all the past unpleasant events. Explain to her that you just expect that someday she will no longer be badly affected by your past wrongdoings, and let her know that you look forward to the chance of proving your sincere commitment to recover your marriage. Be as patient as possible, otherwise, your impatience will make her misunderstand that you don’t mind about your wife’s struggles.
Now, when it comes to how to get your wife to forgive you, let’s talk about 9 key points to help her restore trust in you:
(1) Be honest:
Be honest to answer every question that your wife asks about your affair. No need to detail, but answer candidly. From where your wife stands, not forgiving you now does not mean that she won’t forgive you, it probably means that she still can’t forgive you for the time being due to a reason – she is afraid that whether you will commit the same error to hurt her again. So, to save your marriage, you must be completely candid about your past bad behavior.
(2) Be accountable:
It is better to apologize regularly. Once your wife has a gut feeling that you are not genuinely remorseful, she will also not fully forgive you. It is critical to give any lame explanations or excuses for why you err by blaming others rather than reflect on yourself. Now that you have had an affair with someone else, you must be accountable for your actions. So, in the presence of your wife, it is advisable to make a decent apology with humility, authenticity, and major ownership. After all, you hurt her first, now she needs all your compassion, you should let her feel that you have understood how devastated she was because of your affair.
(3) Seek help:
When it comes to surviving infidelity, it is necessary to go to marriage counseling, especially if you have no idea how to get your wife to forgive you after cheating. Bear in mind that your wife can hardly forgive you unless you prove your eagerness to change your past bad behavior. Certainly, counseling costs money, but is a lot less costly than hiring a divorce attorney; after you obtain professional and effective assistance, your relationship is more likely to heal in a relatively short period of time.
(4) Be transparent to your wife:
You must know well one key point about how to get your wife to forgive you – reassure your wife that the extramarital affair is utterly over. And it is better to co-write a Dear John letter to the woman whom you had an affair with; inside the letter, be cautious of what you put on paper; but anyway, you have to tell her that the affair is 100% over. In case you hear from your mistress in any form, you are supposed to immediately and exactly convey the information to your wife. In fact, your wife will not blame you for just receiving the information from the other woman. However, if you attempt to avoid such a seemingly uncomfortable conversation with your wife by concealing information from her, you will be at fault again.
If possible, you may give your wife passwords to your communication tools (e.g. your phone, social media, and email) and allow her to check them anytime so that she can frequently reassure herself that your affair is over. In this way, she will not have to snoop on those communication tools that you used to communicate with the other woman. No doubt, this helps your wife trust you.
At this point, even if you do not want to allow your wife to check on you, your wife will still try all means to spy on your activity; and if you whine about the invasion of privacy (understandably, your loss of privacy may arouse your disgust), it can further undermine the foundation of your marriage. Remember, whenever you are harassed by someone outside your marriage, the best way is to take the initiative to have your wife stand over you; in addition to giving her all kinds of passwords of your communication tools, you may promise her that you will not delete any affair-related information you receive from the other woman, and guarantee that you will immediately share the information with her as soon as you receive it.
Again, after you decided to put an end to the affair, you should be transparent to your wife when it comes to any information concerning your mistress.
(5) Respect your wife’s timetable:
Be aware that your wife will decide when she gets over it; it depends on herself instead of you. The more rushed you make her feel, the more difficulties you have in letting her forgive you completely. Why, because it seems to her that you are attempting to keep something from her. As regards how to get your wife to forgive you, keep in mind that you should allow her enough time to recover from the emotional trauma caused by your affair, and meanwhile, so just patiently wait for the time when she trusts you again, the only thing you can do is try to be your best self.
(6) Be prepared for repetitive conversations:
Probably, your wife will ask you similar questions again and again because she feels the need to confirm whether you are consistent in your statements and explanations. Sometimes, no matter how many times you repeat answering the same question, she is still reluctant to believe in you, and she feels the need to seek your confirmation frequently to bring herself out of her shock. However, if this situation persists for more than half of a year, you had better ask her what exactly she wants from you to recover trust in your marriage.
(7) Meet her demands as much as possible:
At this stage, your wife must have already made a series of demands upon you, and she wants you to listen to her. No doubt, trying your best to meet her demands is also an essential aspect when it comes to how to get your wife to forgive you after cheating. So listen to her fully while she is expressing her demands; and remember, even if you are tempted to hold your opinion against her opinion, make sure not to cut her short when she is speaking so that she can spell out how she feels about you and what she badly wants from you; otherwise, it tends to be interpreted as your disrespectful behavior towards her. And as long as her demands are modest, you should try your best to satisfy them without hesitation.
(8) Be her husband again:
After you completely end the affair and focus again on your family, you may have suddenly realized that you have become an emotionally absent husband for a long time. Now, it is time to make up the emotional loss for your wife. You may spend more time staying with her at home, place your phone down, and be more attentive than before.
For more tips on how to restore emotional intimacy in marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
7 tips on how to get back emotional intimacy in marriage.
(9) Anticipate that she has rapid mood swings:
After going through an affair, you must feel like many things in the relationship have to be rebuilt from scratch, and that each other feel somewhat strange in the relationship. So how to get your wife to forgive you when your wife becomes strange and distant? That being the case, you may try to rediscover her – For example, date your wife again, communicate with her just like when you were in the early stage of your love relationship.
You should be aware that it is bound to be a struggling process to recover a relationship that is ruined by an affair, so don’t force your wife. And inevitably, she may feel uncomfortable and unsetting with a series of affair-related images that come to her mind from time to time, such as imaging you sleeping with the other woman in your bed. Sometimes, when you realize that she seems to have accepted your apology, but because she can’t resist imaging a picture that is associated with your affair, she may suffer violent mood swings; sometimes when she is feeling that she does not forgive you completely, maybe she is also blaming herself; anyway, you have to learn to tolerate such behavior.
The final word:
An affair is one of the most destructive events for marriage, but fortunately, numerous marriages still recover from an affair and thrive again, and the key to recovery lies in how to have an in-depth understanding of an affair and how to comprehensively strengthen a marriage.
For more tips about how to get your wife to forgive you after cheating, you might go on to read the page below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is provided by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience; it provides a proven path to surviving infidelity and restoring a marriage.
Is your wife leaving you? – Your marriage is salvageable, even if you are the only one trying.
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to seek your wife’s forgiveness – What you should say
How to gain your wife’s trust back – Regain your lost trust.
12 common signs of an insecure wife – Signs your wife is insecure.
A wife’s emotional needs – What a wife wants from a husband.
How to fix a marriage without trust – Repair broken trust.
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
How to save a failing marriage alone – Try to save your marriage.