Sometimes, divorce sneaks up on a couple unawares; other times, divorce is something that one or both spouses have been expecting. Regardless of how and why a spouse wants to end their marriage, the situation is emotionally distressing. In general, divorce can cause more harm than good; and couples should put stress on preventing divorce rather than wait until the full-blown crisis breaks out; during ordinary times, a couple needs to regularly care about the stability of their marriage; and when something is wrong with a marriage, a couple should fix their problems in time.
First of all, let’s look at the common relationship pattern that leads to divorce:
A man and a woman meet, they get to know one another, and they fall in love with each other over a period of time; they move in together happily, everything seems good, so they get married and build a family; but as time passes, their marriage changes significantly, particularly under the pressure imposed by everyday life’s routines and demands. They lost the excitement and passion they used to have, and they live together more like roommates – they are no longer so intimate, and they lose interest in sex. Usually, those changes creep up unnoticed; but once they wake up to those changes as well as their dangers, it emerges as a sudden shock. They feel stunned and unhappy every time they compare the present stage of the relationship to its early stage. And the shock can turn their life upside down, leading to more intense dissatisfaction and even divorce ultimately.
So you need to pay continual attention to intimacy in your marriage:
To strengthen your marriage and prevent divorce, you need to be constantly aware of the state of the relationship; in particular, pay regular attention to the level of intimacy within your relationship.
Intimacy in marriage is not just about sex; surely, sexual intimacy is always a part of it. Although many times sex and intimacy can go hand in hand, sometimes it can turn into a lazy substitute for other parts of intimacy; in particular, if you and your spouse just have sex regularly but don’t maintain regular, open, honest communication, over time, you two will still feel emotionally disconnected. Furthermore, as we all know, sexual function changes with aging, but a lot of elderly couples still live happily together despite the great decline in sexual activities.
For more related tips, you might go on to read the post below:
How to keep intimacy in your marriage – Improve marital intimacy.
Next, let’s talk about how to keep your marriage alive through communication:
A constant lack of communication is a fast track to divorce. Therefore, in your married life, it is necessary to establish and keep healthy and effective communication habits. So you might ask yourself whether you have got used to sharing your disappointments and dreams and talking to your spouse honestly about what is happening in your life and how you are feeling.
Of course, maintaining regular and healthy communication with your spouse does not mean that you have to subject him/her to a long rant about how bad one of your friends/colleagues is, or about other trivial matters. It just means checking in with him/her about your emotional state regularly.
A lot of happy couples have regular check-ins with each other about a variety of formal and informal things. For example, a happy couple may take a short/long walk together once a week and share their feelings about disappointments and triumphs of recent days. But it is always more important to communicate about serious issues than communicating about stuff of life. For example, a happy couple would like to exchange views about their respective career goals, how to be a good parent, what to do when they get old, and so on. Obviously, a major aspect of intimacy in marriage is to know each other deeply.
So if you often sense that you can’t figure out your spouse’s emotional state, thoughts, and dreams, or if you realize that you often can not exactly understand him/her unless he/she becomes either angry or overjoyed, then you need to work harder on enhancing communication with your spouse at a day-to-day level. And if possible, try to set aside some time every few days to check in via turn-talking – take turns talking for some minutes; by the way, when it is your spouse’s turn to speak, don’t interrupt him/her.
Better understand and express your feelings:
On the way to maintaining close communication with your spouse, you need to constantly strive to understand and express your own emotions. Many times, we have complex emotions, but we do not name our feelings in time due to the lack of a feeling vocabulary? If you often express your feelings using general words like “happy”, “sad”, and “angry”, you will also feel like you are a poor painter with a few monotone colors. And have you noticed the difference between feeling happy and feeling overjoyed? What about feeling cautious and feeling shy? What about feeling nervous and feeling afraid? And what about feeling embarrassed and feeling ashamed? … Learning those subtle differences among your different feelings can make it easier to express yourself.
When your marriage is in trouble, don’t pretend everything is perfect; instead, you need to express your worry and concern:
Probably you also overlook a seemingly dispensable step like many people – when you feel your marriage is on the rocks, you don’t want to bluntly tell your spouse that you do not want a divorce; don’t just explain to your spouse that you love him/her and that you want to keep the relationship long-lasting, you should also let your spouse know well that you are worried about the path you and your spouse are on will lead to separation or divorce; if you realize the potential danger of your relationship but you pretend everything goes well without reminding you spouse, then you are throwing your spouse off his/her guard. Maybe, you are afraid of saying it because you do not want to cause your spouse discomfort. But many times, you can not fix serious relationship problems unless you and your spouse have an open and frank discussion about what is not working well.
Can separation help prevent divorce?
More often than not, people in a broken marriage view separation as a possible option for dealing with a marital crisis. But in fact, this has proven to be a deadly wrong mistake again and again. The related research has found that about 80% of cases of separation ultimately end in a divorce, and the majority of those separated couples were found to end up divorcing within the following 3 years. This is not only because of the separation itself but also because separated couples are often unwilling to continue efforts to fix those troublesome problems in their marriages.
Separation is just a way to steer clear of marital problems; on the positive side, separation can give both spouses the time and space that they need to realize each other’s place, value, and importance in their life; and due to the distance from each other, both spouses can get a new perspective on the relationship that they haven’t had before.
Objectively speaking, in cases when one or both spouses feel stressed out in their marriage, separation may help – if done properly, a separation can act as a wake-up call that a married couple needs; and this is even more so if a couple fights constantly and gets antagonistic with each other, separation can provide a chance for each other to cool off; during the cooling period, a couple can reflect on why those fights happen and ponder how to prevent fights from escalating in the future.
To prevent divorce, a separation just can be considered as an expedient means; and it is never a long-term solution to marital problems.
How to know whether your marriage is fixable?
There is no fast and hard answer to this question. Marriages vary from couple to couple, and there is no surefire way of judging whether or not a problematic marriage is savable.
But you can count on one thing: when you ask yourself, “Can my marriage be saved?”, it is a positive sign that you want to move your marriage forward and have a better future for your marriage. Only when both spouses lost hope in their marriage, the relationship is doomed to failure. In other words, as long as you believe your marriage is still worth saving, you should have a shot at mending the relationship in a way that can work for you.
Therefore, the question “Can my marriage be saved?” is a quite broad question that will always remain unanswered.
Instead, when your marriage hits rock bottom, you should ask yourself, “Why should we get divorced?”
Have you thought seriously about why your marriage is not working? Or have you ever argued with your spouse about why you and he/she should get divorced? Concerning these questions, you need to be honest with yourself about your compatibility with your spouse (or lack thereof); think about things that you and your spouse did that has put your marriage on the brink of divorce, you need to think about whether either you or your spouse will be likely to change for the marriage, and you need to ask yourself whether you can learn to live with that…
And finally, you should ask yourself whether the relationship is still worth saving and whether you are willing to try to salvage the broken relationship even if you are the one interested. There are a lot of cases where a broken marriage could be salvaged but it would be at the cost of a spouse’s happiness, security, or goals; so ask yourself whether you are willing to make such sacrifices for your marriage.
The final word:
No couple goes into a marriage expecting a divorce; unfortunately, a marriage inevitably hits bumps in the road, and sometimes a spouse might be inclined to avoid marriage altogether. But in most cases, a difficult marriage can be saved and is worth saving, even though divorce seems to be the only option. And whether it is you or your spouse who feels unhappy in the marriage, probably it is not too late for you to can take corrective action to prevent divorce and make your marriage thrive again. And if you need more marriage-saving tips, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
What to do when your marriage seems hopeless – Save your marriage.
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
Don’t ignore these warning signs that your marriage is in danger.
Signs your spouse wants a divorce – Is your marriage in crisis?
How to change yourself to save your marriage – Be your best.
What to do when your marriage lacks passion – Get the spark back.
When your spouse wants to separate, don’t do these things.
Must-have boundaries in marriage – Communicate your boundaries.