In married life, quarrels occur from time to time because it is normal for couples to have disagreements with each other. For a lot of married couples, their arguments are so frustrating and anxiety-provoking; especially when a couple complains about too much conflict and arguing, in the heat of the moment they may freak out and consider quitting the relationship. Do you have a similar experience in your married life? And have you also fallen into annoyance and misery caused by serious quarrels?
If you want to stop quarreling to get things back to normal ASAP, here are some tips:
1 Avoid blaming each other:
After a quarrel, it is still very easy for you two to blame each other at any point during a deep conversation about critical issues. This approach is unproductive, and it only leads to wasted energy and time. When one spouse blames the other one for what happened, the other one instantly retaliates with their own accusations, then the two parties hurl accusations back and forth … if a conversation goes like this, the situation will spiral out of control.
When you realize that a conversation is turning into a blame game, you need to learn to control yourself to hit the brake; and there is no need to castigate your spouse for his/her wild accusations, you can choose not to respond to them; you must be aware that your spouse may go on to ramble on a lot of minor or unnecessary things to continue the blame game; so don’t fall for the trick; and meanwhile, try to lead the conversation back to the right topic; besides that, make sure to focus on the concise expression of your opinion about issues that your spouse is highly concerned about.
2 Take time to cool down:
After a heated quarrel during which you two made mistakes and acted on negative emotions, both of you need enough time to calm down. As we all know, intense activities take up a lot of energy, a violent quarrel is also not exceptional. What is more serious is that you must have strongly felt that the heart is so tired. Surely, your spouse has the same feeling. As long as you still feel tired or exhausted, you are still in an awful headspace. You can hardly be fully present and engaged in a productive conversation unless you have mustered up your physical and mental energy. Therefore, at this point, just remind yourself not to do anything drastic, and take some time to pause and regroup.
It is necessary for you two to separate yourselves and get centered. When you and your spouse shift the focus away from the quarrel and back to taking care of yourselves and each other, you two are more likely to think about recent things reasonably.
3 Own up to your mistakes:
To quickly reconcile with your spouse, you should be courageous enough to own up to things that you said or did during the quarrel. Especially if you start to regret something wrong that you said or did to your spouse, you need to be proactive in taking responsibility on your part. One of the main reasons why quarrels and marital conflict drag out is because couples are often reluctant to own up to their mistakes. However, as long as you do that, it greatly helps with bridging the gap and moving the relationship forward from the current conflict.
How to apologize sincerely:
Apologies always have the power to heal a fractured relationship. But unfortunately, as time passes, a lot of married couples have become very reluctant to apologize to each other. Your sincere apology can send explicit messages to your spouse that you have recognized what you did to impact him/her negatively. Surely, it takes two to make a quarrel; even though it was very clear that one party was “in the wrong”, both you and your spouse ought to apologize to each other; anyway, one party needs to take the first step; since you are the one who desires to heal the relationship, you do not have to wait for your spouse to apologize to you first.
4 Listen actively:
After a heated quarrel, probably your spouse has not felt that you have listened and taken his/her opinion seriously; so if you realize that your spouse seems to want to say something more, you might allow him/her to express himself/herself, and you might try to listen to him/her without need to respond instantly. Again, in such a situation, do not give tit for tat if some of his/her words still sound provocative; and just try to be an attentive listener.
Active listening not only means paying attention to the verbal expression but also includes noticing a variety of nonverbal cues. When your spouse is opening up about what he/she thinks, make sure you are not distracted by other things, so you might turn off the television, put down your phone, and keep eye contact… when your spouse notices that you stop what you are doing to listen to him/her, he/she is more likely to feel listened to and respected. Moreover, you had better not interrupt him/her unless you feel the need to further understand something he/she missed… Such a series of actions will help him/her open his/her heart and tell you more.
Remember, when you are listening to your spouse, the focus should be on deeply understanding his/her point of view, not on what you intend to say. And after your spouse ceases speaking, don’t forget to summarize what you have heard from him/her; this also gives him/her a clear hint that you have listened carefully and cared about his/her needs/concerns.
5 Plan for a better future:
In your married life, conflict and fights will not end here. To navigate future disagreements more effectively, it is necessary to work together to plan for a more harmonious future. Therefore, you and your spouse might take some time to think about what you two have learned about yourselves and each other; although the quarrel is over, it does not mean your needs have been met. Maybe, either you or your spouse still has complaints due to certain unmet needs. Therefore, you two should be more open to each other; sit down to share and discuss your innermost needs.
Every spouse should learn to improve themselves after every fight in married life. And you must have realized that there are some parts of the relationship that urgently need strengthening; in addition to that, you two might come up with a feasible way that you two can do things differently to better address future problems and needs. All long-term relationships have rows and arguments from time to time. But in healthy marriages, couples know better how to effectively repair the connection following a disagreement/conflict.
6 Stop being defensive/offensive, and try to be more receptive:
When you work on tuning in and calming yourself down, it is necessary to extend a more compassionate and curious attitude toward your spouse. Instead of reacting, counterattacking, or defending, you might try to empathize with him/her by putting yourself into his/her position. When your entire focus is on self-defense, you can hardly open yourself to hear your spouse’s voice.
After a heated quarrel, probably you are still in a defensive state. In such a situation, your state of mind even can transform your spouse’s neutral comments into fighting words; in other words, probably you are still distorting what you have heard from your spouse during the quarrel. And if you can switch to a receptive state, you can be more relaxed, and you will be more willing to emotionally connect with your spouse. In married life, a spouse’s state of mind can influence the other. Surely, this change in your mental state will also make your spouse feel closer to you rather than push him/her further away.
7 Be vulnerable and express yourself:
When you reacted to your spouse during a quarrel, probably you were not aware of your primary emotions that were triggered; for instance, while your spouse said hurtful words to you, at that moment you felt hurt, disappointed, sad, invalidated, or rejected… but soon, you experienced a secondary emotion like anger, resentment, embarrassment… then you acted out toward your spouse accordingly. Unfortunately, those maladaptive emotional responses didn’t get your spouse closer to what you wanted/expected. In other words, when you reacted impulsively, you failed to express your primary emotions.
On the other hand, probably your spouse also desires to understand the more vulnerable side behind your negative emotions. And after a heated quarrel that has hurt each other deeply, you might show more vulnerability to your spouse. This gives your spouse an opportunity to know you better by tapping into your primary emotion.
In the mind of a lot of adults, vulnerability is simply equated with weakness; so they do not want to appear “weak” in front of other people. But in married life, vulnerability does not mean weakness; instead, it should be perceived as the courage to show up and be seen when you have no control over the situation.
Your vulnerability helps your spouse cultivate empathy in you – when you let your guard down during the conflict, your spouse can be more mindful of your thoughts and actions. Besides that, showing vulnerability should be viewed as a form of your self-reflection. It shows your willingness to interrupt the currently destructive cycles and foster closeness and connection with him/her.
When you reconcile after a quarrel, you need to make it count.
Quarreling with your spouse is exhausting, both emotionally and physically. And the big blow-up must have already left each of you feeling fatigued. But your married life does not stop; there is still a lot of work to do, and you have to go on to participate in daily tasks… That is why you need to make it count after you reconcile with your spouse. Otherwise, resentment may linger and grow, and it may spill over into the next fight, further impacting the foundation of understanding, compassion, and love. That is unfavorable for the maintenance of the long-term relationship;
For more ideas on how to reconcile after a quarrel with your spouse,
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to fix the marriage when your spouse hurts your feelings.
How to mend the marriage when your husband says hurtful words.