Without intimacy, a partner can not get the security of knowing the other one is there for him/her, or of knowing that the other one truly loves him/her. In many marriages where intimacy is lacking, a spouse may not intend to hurt the other one but the other one may feel hurt by the loss of intimacy; even a spouse may not realize that intimacy is lacking in his/her married life; such a relationship can hardly have a promising future if intimacy issues can not be resolved in time.
If you wonder how to keep intimacy in your marriage, the following are some useful tips:
1 Use your words to communicate your love emotionally and deeply:
Sometimes it is not enough to just say “I love you.” Especially after you have already said this a hundred times to your spouse, it loses its good effect. Instead, you need to be more specific when you are describing what you love about him/her; for example, you might say something like, ”When you look me straight in the eye, I love the feeling.”, “I love the way you hold me in your arms.”, “Every time I meet with difficulties, you always come to me in the first place.”
Yeah, expressing love sounds cheesy; but as long as you can drop those love lines at a right time, it helps increase intimacy between you two.
2 Stop phubbing your spouse:
This is a new word that comes from the words “phone” and “snub, and it describes the act of snubbing someone in favor of a mobile phone. Maybe you don’t think your phubbing is mean, but your spouse may think so; on this issue, why not stand in your spouse’s shoes: if your spouse is snubbing you in favor of his/her phone when you are talking to him/her, how will you feel? In this current society, numerous people complain that phubbing is affecting the connection between them and their partners.
Phubbing is not a real addiction, but it should be thought of as an impulsive problem; so you need to be patient and firm when you decide to overcome this bad behavior pattern. And fixing it is also not as hard as you think; for instance, while you and your spouse are spending quality time together, you might put your phone away simply, or you might turn on the “do not disturb” feature so that you can’t receive any notifications that may distract your attention.
Stopping phubbing is a kind gesture that shows your willingness to put all of your focus on your spouse, and this can subtly contribute to more intimacy and deeper connection.
3 Keep things interesting:
As the freshness wears off, a long-term relationship can feel like it is growing stagnant; boredom is known as the killer of passion, so if the two of you always live your married life by keeping to the old routine without adding new elements, intimacy will dwindle as the romance and passion in the relationship vanishes. A long-lasting marriage should not remain in a dull state, and it is possible to put the sparkle and freshness back into your married life; here are some simple steps that you can take:
- Surprise your spouse with gifts from time to time
- Send romantic text messages occasionally.
- Schedule regular date nights.
- Do something new together.
- Discuss your hopes and dreams.
- Actively ask your spouse meaningful questions.
4 Spend some time apart:
To some extent, absence can make a couple’s hearts grow fonder. Many times, when a loving couple is kept apart, they have a feeling of greater affection between each other due to the physical distance: after spending some time apart, probably a spouse is more willing to be with the other spouse; and that can translate to more attraction, romance, and intimacy if done right.
When it comes to how to keep intimacy with your spouse, the same applies to your relationship. Both you and your spouse need to have separate friends, hobbies, and life… These things provide each other necessary breathing room in your married life.
Understandably, if you have kids, or if you both work at the same company, probably it is not so easy to carve out your separate time. But regardless of the situation, try your best to make sure you and your spouse both have some separate time.
5 Stop judging your spouse:
Judging in marriage brings dissension, tension, and division; your judgment tells your spouse that it is not okay to be himself/herself; this can build resentment in him/her and erode the intimate relationship gradually; therefore, if you pass judgment and belittle your spouse constantly, you will push him/her further and further away. From the point of view of your spouse, feeling judged by you can be particularly devastating because, your spouse does not just value your opinion above the opinion of other people, and he/she also tends to be the most vulnerable with you.
And one thing needs to be particularly pointed out: nobody is perfect. If you deliberately focus on your spouse’s flaws/mistakes and pass judgment, he/she will feel unfairly judged; this can cause great emotional harm to him/her, and it can kill intimacy rather quickly. ,
Remember, you and your spouse are united based on mutual respect, equality, and mutual interests. So never take him/her for granted, and don’t be judgmental in your relationship for whatever reason.
6 Be concerned about your spouse’s emotional needs:
Lack of intimacy in marriage can stem from unmet emotional needs. So, to keep your spouse from pulling away emotionally, you need to be regularly concerned about what may leave him/her feeling unsatisfied in the relationship.
For more tips on how to meet your spouse’s emotional needs, you might go on to read the posts below:
What a husband expects from his wife in marriage – A man’s needs.
A wife’s emotional needs – What a wife wants from a husband.
7 Rediscover your spouse:
Maybe, you and your spouse have been married for many years, and you think that you have already known him/her very well; after you have already formed a very fixed opinion about your spouse, he/she is no longer so attractive to you; the more you think your spouse is not attractive, the less you want to approach him/her, and the less intimacy you have with your spouse. Therefore, if you have this feeling about your spouse, you might learn to rediscover your spouse.
Surely, you do not have to stick to what you think of your spouse. But understandably, you may have no idea how to rediscover your spouse. If so, you might see your spouse through a different lens; a piece of advice is to hear the views of those people who are more attracted to your spouse than you are now, those people can tell you a new reason why they are attracted to your spouse, so you can pick out more good traits in your man. Or you might recall when you first met your spouse, and think about why you fell in love with him/her.
8 Make an effort to get out of the day-to-day routine:
As your life gets busy, maybe you have got stuck in a comfort zone where you two move past each other simply scratching items off your to-do lists.
This is in sharp contrast to the beginning of your relationship, when everything seems fresh and exciting, and when you go above and beyond. This means that you make light of the value of doing those things that may generate intimacy or joy in the relationship. Over time, vulnerability and feelings for each other tend to get lost due to the mundane routine – probably, you and your spouse still have dinner together, go to bed together, but you two stop trying to impress each other, and you two stop trying to better understand each other… as a result, the level of intimacy decreases.
Therefore, it is important to spend some time together in a profound way. To do this, you might garner inspiration from your early courting days. For example, usually, you two stay at home at weekends, but on this weekend, you two might plan a day trip or weekend getaway, you two might go out to enjoy a Sunday roast, or you two might have dinner at your favorite restaurant.
The final word:
A marriage can survive without intimacy, especially for a marriage that has lasted tens of years; but it will be a struggle for both spouses as time goes on. And the lack of intimacy is often accompanied by the lack of emotional connection; and inevitably, it takes a lot of commitment and determination to get intimacy back. Therefore, you had better try your best to keep intimacy alive in your marriage, rather than struggle to restore intimacy after it has faded or even disappeared.
If you need more tips on how to fix a marriage that lacks intimacy and connection, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
7 tips on how to get back emotional intimacy in marriage.
Pay attention to these common but serious mistakes in marriage.
7 easily unnoticed signs of emotional detachment in marriage.
How to deal with resentment in your marriage – Reduce resentment.
What a healthy marriage looks like – How to maintain a marriage.
How to rekindle sexual intimacy when your wife becomes a roommate.
What to do when your husband rejects you sexually – what does it mean.
Tips on coping with lack of affection in marriage – How to get affection back.