Now you feel you and your spouse are not on the same page about more and more issues. You no longer feel like a priority to him/her, and you feel that you two have lost the energy and devotion that was initially there, more and more negative emotions start to replace positive ones in your married life… In such a situation, you should have enough time on your own to think major issues through. In doing so, probably you will realize that there are still things that you could change to repair the relationship.
And here are some marriage-saving tips when your marriage is no longer working.
1 Try to make a significant shift in your mindset:
As long as you are sure that you are still willing to put your best effort into repairing your marriage, you might try to give yourself a fresh start.
You should be aware that breaking a toxic relationship pattern does not require both sides to change; you can try to make a radical shift in your mindset without the need to wait for your spouse to change for you. Specifically, when your marriage is no longer working, probably you and your spouse start to shift your responsibility to each other; if neither of you wants to assume responsibilities for relationship problems, the relationship will further deteriorate; in this situation, you should abandon the negative thinking – “If I first admit my responsibility, I will lose my face, and he/she will look down on me!” instead, you should accept the idea – “losing face has become a matter of complete indifference to me, and shouldering my responsibility willingly can be a great starting point of getting the relationship back on track”.
Studies found that a common reason why married couples struggle with serious difficulties is that one or both parties withdraw due to feelings of resentment, anger, and hurt. Therefore, remember, one spouse may not save a failing marriage ultimately, but whatever the result will be, one spouse can do what he/she can do to change the dynamic of the relationship.
2 Focus on major issues:
When your marriage is no longer working, you might ask yourself whether you have magnified relationship problems. For example, when you and your spouse were in a heated argument about a controversial issue, you got emotional because you could not convince your spouse; and to outrage him/her, you started to mention unpleasant events that happened years ago, especially his/her past mistakes… as a result, things get more and more complicated, unconsciously you and your spouse did not stay focused on the core problems; now the two of you had enough of the endless bickering, and you two drifted further apart.
Therefore, at this point, you should ponder about those major relationship issues, rather than attend to big and small matters all at once. And if your spouse is the one who is deliberately raking over the unpleasant past to provoke an escalation, you should also try to resist the impulse to get into the meaningless argument/fight.
3 Learn to repair conflict skillfully:
When your marriage is no longer working, you are not supposed to put aside those conflicting issues that can ruin your marriage. The related research found that a lot of long-term relationships get stagnant and run into rough patches because of the pain of unresolved conflicts; disagreements are inevitable in any marriage; understandably, sometimes you just feel hard or embarrassed to face a long-existing conflict; but one day, you will have to confront it; and the earlier, the better. Surely, not all marital conflicts can be resolved at the present, but you should come up with ideas about how to deal with them constructively.
For more tips, you might go on to read the posts below:
6 tips on how to make up with your spouse after a fight.
How to defuse conflict in marriage – Calm down a heated argument.
How to deal with marital conflict – Resolve conflict in marriage.
4 Don’t be too categorical:
I bet you have ever said some absolute words to hurt your spouse, and you regretted it afterward. Regardless of marital status, couples had better avoid speaking in absolutes. Many times, when leaving your spouse leeway/options, you are also leaving yourself leeway/options. Absolute words can be toxic to a long-term relationship, especially when the relationship is in trouble. For example, when you blurt out words like “You are always foolish/late/boring/shameful…” your spouse feels somewhat degraded and humiliated; so this will only make your spouse pull further away.
As we all know, words that a person said on the spur of the moment often can’t be taken seriously; but there are times when we take someone’s meaningless words seriously; and sometimes when a spouse goes too far and says hurtful things, the relationship may be threatened to the point where the relationship will irrevocably fall apart. That is why there are always a large number of cases of impulsive divorce in this world.
5 Don’t be passive-aggressive:
When your marriage is no longer working, probably you are inclined to get distracted and cold to your spouse; but acting distant and being passive-aggressive will only lead to a lose-lose situation where issues will escalate and negative emotions will be amplified. Maybe now you are just fed up with your spouse, and unconsciously, you act passive-aggressively in front of him/her. For example, you give your spouse the silent treatment when he/she is trying to call out to you, or you just say “nothing” when your spouse notices that there is something wrong with you; as a result, he/she will also feel upset, disappointed, resentful, or angry.
Arguing and fighting should be viewed as an inevitable part of any long-term relationship, whether couples like it or not; and openly communicating thoughts and feelings are always the most effective way to understand and work through disagreements between couples. If you persistently avoid talking about something that will inevitably lead to a fierce argument, finally you will realize that things will get worse than communicating problems with him/her in advance.
When it comes to controversial issues, you do not have to worry about not being on the same wavelength; as long as you and your spouse obey fair fighting rules and keep hearing each other, sooner or later you two can find common ground or make breakthroughs.
Again, any passive-aggressive pattern does not help salvage a marriage; no matter what the stubborn issue a couple faces, sitting down and discussing explicitly, respectfully with one another is always the best way to reach a reasonable solution.
By the way, if your spouse has become passive-aggressive and you have no idea how to get along with him/her, you might go on to read the post below:
8 tips on how to deal with a passive-aggressive spouse.
6 Don’t be too suspicious:
Trust is imperative for any long-term relationship to survive and thrive. When your marriage is no longer working, probably an atmosphere of mistrust has already been triggered; you may have started to suspect whether your spouse is being untruthful; but if you directly tells your spouse that he/she doesn’t remain trustworthy, probably it will backfire. On the other hand, something you said or did may also have aroused your spouse’s distrust.
When you suspect that your spouse is lying or cheating, don’t be too judgmental; in particular, you should resist the impulse to fire off harsh statements. To gather more facts or dismiss your doubt, you should keep the communication open and listen intently to what he/she says; so you might focus on asking him/her questions about a particular incident; when your marriage is no longer working, you also can’t rule out the possibility that your spouse is thinking about doing something unfaithful to you; but even if he/she does so, you will be in a better position by gathering enough convincing facts first. In short, if you want to act and react appropriately at this stage, you need to be calm about your spouse’s suspicious behavior.
No doubt, it is a difficult problem to rebuild mutual trust in a broken marriage. For more tips, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to fix a marriage without trust – Repair broken trust.
6 tips on rebuilding trust after infidelity – how to rebuild trust after an affair.
How to stay emotionally connected with your spouse.
7 Practice forgiveness:
Learning to forgive and let go is a key skill for a long-term relationship to survive tough times; maybe, your relationship becomes stagnant because your spouse did something wrong to you; in particular, you might feel rejected, hurt, resentful, or frustrated after you perceive your spouse has emotionally/physically checked out of the marriage; but if your spouse has taken pains to amend himself/herself and sincerely asked for your forgiveness, you should also consider stopping dwelling on the unpleasant past; forgiveness can be viewed as a strength that you can still show goodwill toward him/her; refusing to forgive not just means that you would not like to overcome barriers in the relationship; what is worse, this can raise your spouse’s speculation about whether you will seek some form of vengeance; in such a situation, your spouse will feel anxious and miserable in the relationship.
Being forgiving does not mean simply condoning hurtful actions; on a deep level, you need to try your best to adopt a positive, resilient mindset in which you can move forward in the relationship.
For more tips, you might go on to read the post below:
Should you forgive your cheating spouse and move forward?
The final word:
Understandably, it is overwhelming to feel your marriage is no longer what it used to be. But anyway, you are not supposed to give up this long-term relationship easily. Marriage is doomed to be a long journey of a couple; on the journey, you and your spouse inevitably feel tired and exhausted at some point, and sometimes one or both of you may think about ending the journey; but as long as one or both of you can try hard to hold on, probably you two will see the hope of going further. Remember, married life can consist of a series of commas, and don’t rashly replace a comma with a period.
For more expert tips on how to save a marriage when it is no longer working, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach who has 12+ years of experience helping numerous couples survive and thrive in broken marriages:
For more tips, you might go on to read the posts below:
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
How to remain happily married with your spouse.
When your spouse wants to separate, don’t do these things.
Causes of marriage failure – common reasons a marriage fails.