When you think of common signs of a failing marriage, probably your mind instantly jumps to the image of shocking cheating scandals or blowout fights; of course, those signs can spell the end of a relationship; but before those surefire signs appear, there can be a series of subtle indicators. As we all know, the majority of problematic marriages do not go bad overnight, instead, they go sour gradually due to a culmination of issues. And sometimes, a lot of people have ever had a gut feeling that there seems to be trouble ahead in their relationships, but they ignore their own feelings and don’t feel the urgent need to catch subtle signs early on.
And the following points out several subtle signs that a marriage is in trouble：
1 You no longer feel confident in the relationship, instead, you feel self-doubt:
When your spouse frequently devalues you or no longer prioritizes you, your self-doubt creeps in. As your spouse constantly puts you down, your negative thoughts and feelings about the relationship will be inevitably roused; and over time, you may unconsciously transfer your bad feelings into various aspects of your life, such as your family, career, and other social settings, leaving yourself feeling out of sorts, unimportant, and inadequate. In particular, if your spouse starts to make you feel like you should be fully responsible for the relationship deterioration, probably your marriage is in trouble. No doubt, to keep a marriage alive, every spouse should look at themselves in the mirror, and every spouse should be aware that a long-lasting marriage is about compromise and working problems out.
Therefore, when you are making a serious assessment of your relationship with your spouse, if you have realized that you have started to doubt those abilities to interact with him/her that you were once confident in, you should be alert to this relationship problem.
2 You feel like your spouse is no longer interested in making any effort:
A long-lasting marriage requires efforts from both sides. Therefore, if you feel like your spouse is no longer interested in doing anything that can help reignite the spark or improve the relationship, especially if you feel like your spouse has pent-up resentment and do not want to move past some relationship problems, it can be a warning sign that your spouse wants to quit the relationship. When a spouse thinks that the other one should take responsibility for those mistakes/faults that he/she should have been mainly to blame for, the marriage suffers. Likewise, probably your spouse is not willing to make efforts because he/she doesn’t think that he/she is at fault, or because he/she thinks that you should be largely responsible for those serious relationship problems.
On the other hand, maybe your spouse also insists that marriage should be a 50-50 proposition; and when your spouse realizes that you fail to do or are unwilling to do important things that he/she looks forward to, he/she gets disappointed; and he/she thinks that it is very logical for him/her to step back and stop fulfilling his/her 50%. Over time, you two will fight more and more battles because of the unreasonable division of responsibility.
3 You two have less and less face-to-face time:
If you notice that your spouse has always intentionally over-scheduled himself/herself or spent a lot of time communicating with you online or on the phone, it can be a subtle sign that your marriage is in trouble. Surely, sometimes your spouse can have a certain amount of work that he/she has to manage; but if you sense that his work amount is always heavy, especially if your spouse still tells you that he/he has to be busy with his/her work during weekends/holidays, then this is very likely that he/she is trying to distance himself/herself from you.
Before a marriage ends legally, a married couple is often uncoupled or often disconnects from each other. For a spouse who wants to give up his/her marriage but is not ready to move out, not staying with the other one can be a big relief for him/her; and many times, an emotionally distant spouse wants to use this trick to let the other one understand his/her intention of quitting the relationship without explicitly expressing it.
4 Your two no longer listen to and support each other:
Actively hearing what each other’s voice is vital to the long-term survival of a marriage. Therefore, first of all, you should ask yourself whether you have always taken your spouse’s words seriously (after all, respect is mutual and reciprocal); then pay attention to your spouse’s general reaction when you are speaking to him/her. If you feel like your spouse becomes less and less apt to want to take his/her time to hear what you are expressing, don’t turn a blind eye to this potential sign that your marriage is in trouble – you two may have started to move into completely separate orbits; and what is worse, after your spouse frequently demonstrates that your feelings and thoughts do not matter to him/her, probably he/she will entertain the thought of seeking someone else to confide in; and this can lead to emotional and sexual infidelity.
For a marriage to stay healthy, both spouses should keep working as a team on day-to-day issues, such as parenting, dealing with household chores, and supporting each other’s personal goals.
5 You two have had a decrease in quality and frequency of intimacy:
Lack of intimacy exchange can be another bad sign that your marriage is not working, especially when you two are interacting face-to-face. For example, when you ask your spouse to sit down to talk to you patiently, he/she does not listen to you, and he/she still stands staring at you and talking to you. For another example, your spouse has got used to immediately turning to leave after he/she has finished what he/she has to say (during the entire process, you feel like you enter into serious business conversations with him/her, instead of small talk or warm conversations).
Of course, sex is always a basic part of intimacy; and every married couple goes through dry spells at some point; but sometimes, this issue is more complex than it is. Anytime, a definite lack of sexual desire should be regarded as a susceptible sign that your marriage is failing; and at least, it can be a toxic relationship trigger.
6 Your spouse has unrealistic expectations：
When your spouse’s expectations about who you should be and how the marriage should be are unmet, he feels disappointed. Of course, his/her disappointment signals that he/she wants you to make changes for him/her. Generally, it is not so hard to deal with your spouse’s realistic expectations for you; but when it comes to those expectations that are far beyond reality, no matter how much he/she wishes or demands they are, you two can hardly reach an agreement, and that will only aggravate the marital conflict.
Especially if he/she persistently thinks that some crucial issues can no longer be addressed in a mutually acceptable way, he/she will set himself/herself up for more than disappointment; his/her disappointment can quickly fester and transform into more powerful negative emotions; for example, persistent disappointment can lead to his/her frustration, anger, stress, sadness, and despair;
If your spouse consistently holds onto unrealistic expectations without feeling the need to adapt them in time, he/she will think that he/she has fallen for the wrong person. And at that point, he/she will feel miserable in the relationship, and naturally, he/she will consider leaving you.
7 You feel like your spouse is no longer willing to compromise on what you need or want:
A major part of long-lasting marriage involves trying to meet the other one’s needs while a spouse is trying to fulfill his/her own needs; this is a lifelong give-and-take that requires constant communication. So if your spouse continually refuses to share his/her own needs and manifests an unwillingness to listen to your needs (e.g. your needs for affection, time, sex, and help), probably he/she feels unhappy in the marriage.
Likewise, when you increasingly feel that there has been less and less overlap between your and your spouse’s interests/expectations/needs, probably it is another sign your marriage is in trouble. In a healthy marriage, a couple is willing to share experiences in daily life; even though a spouse is not personally interested in what the other one says, the spouse often feels the need to try to find some middle ground with the other one during the conversations. So you might observe how willing your spouse is to communicate with you when you are talking about those things that do not arouse his/her interest.
8 You feel like you and your spouse are no longer on the same page about the future：
Currently, do you feel difficult to relay your future plan to your spouse? If so, you should be wary that when your and your spouse’s life timelines and agendas can not align well in the relationship, it is very likely a sign that your marriage is in trouble. For example, you are sure having a family with children is one of your important life goals; but when you tell your spouse that you want a child, your spouse refuses categorically and tells you that he/she would opt for a DINK(double income, no kids); this should be viewed as a significant divergence between you two, especially if you both take a firm stand on this issue without the willingness to make any compromise or give up on your own plan; over time, such an irreconcilable conflict can be enough to cause one or both of you to consider whether the relationship can be viable over the long term.
The final word:
All long-term relationships inevitably go through ups and downs, and it is safe to say that nobody enters into the realm of marriage thinking about divorce. Although the divorce rate in the world is increasingly high, most marriages that end in divorce could have been saved. Especially if a spouse can catch some subtle warning signs before the marriage gets to the breaking point, he/she can get more chances to turn around the relationship. And if you think that your failing marriage is still worth saving, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a world-renowned marriage coach who has helped thousands of couples survive in their unhappy marriages:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
When your spouse wants to separate, don’t do these things.
When your marriage is stale, how to fix it and keep it alive.
How to stay emotionally connected with your spouse.
6 tips on how to make up with your spouse after a fight.
What a man wants from his wife – How to keep a happy marriage.