The marital separation is stressful, painful, and scary; at that stage, the married life feels like a train wreck. If you and your wife have separated, you must be aware that separation is not the ultimate solution; you two will possibly be headed to divorce if you can not deal with it properly. In most cases, divorce is destructive to a family, especially if you have kids; and it should be avoided if possible. Hence, your desire and efforts towards saving the failing marriage are commendable.
To get your wife back after separation, the primary thing you should do is to change your thinking and your approach. No doubt, if you still dwell on the rights and wrongs of unnecessary issues and try to convince your wife that she is also at fault for the deterioration of the relationship, it will only push her further away from you.
And don’t expect your wife to accept the marital unhappiness; instead, you need to let her feel that you are working on improving life with her. By the way, when it comes to how to prove you are sincere in promising to give her a better life, you should be aware that your actions speak louder than words.
And the following are some basic steps for getting your wife back:
- Take to heart what she complains about:
To learn what you did that upset your wife, you should have the patience to listen to what she wants to say to you. Of course, your wife must have areas that she needs to improve; and I bet you also badly want her to consider your request concerning what you want her to make some modification or correction; yet now is not a good time. At such a time of crisis, this request is easily perceived as criticism of her. Remember, the only person you have full control over is yourself; during this relationship crisis, you should focus on how to improve yourself. And usually, your wife’s complaints give clues about what areas you need to improve. So when listening to what she is telling you, you should put aside your pride and stay humble.
Understandably, sometimes what she says makes you quite uncomfortable; in such a situation, you should act on clear thinking rather than negative emotions; just try to remind yourself that her words provide opportunities for you to restore the marriage, and that is enough.
- Acknowledge how you hurt her :
You might ask your wife what you have ever done to make her miserable. By asking her such a question for clarification, she can feel you are trying to better understand how she feels about you. And in this process, don’t be too emotional, and don’t explain or justify your behavior that is perceived as offensive and hurtful. Otherwise, it may make her feel like you are indifferent and callous to her pain. Instead, you might ask for an example of a typical situation where you ever hurt her. And later when you are alone, you had better think over why she ever wanted separation or even divorce by combining what she was telling.
And to make her feel connected while she is revealing how she is feeling about you, you should exhibit your empathy for her feelings. As to a lot of unpleasant events that your wife perceives, the best you can do is to fully accept what she says and then learn from them.
As we all know, generally women are more emotionally sensitive than men; especially during a relationship crisis, a woman is often more concerned about her subjective perception instead of the truth about things. So you do not have to say to her, “You are so unreasonable/irrational!”; this type of words that has emotional content will only further provoke her into acting on her painful emotions.
- Learn to manage your anger:
Holding anger is a poison that can kill the long-term relationship; anger can kill affection, emotional intimacy, and admiration and approval. Anger and love can hardly coexist together. And the usual tit-for-tat response only contributes to intense and persistent anger. So to get your wife back after separation, you should learn how to stay respectful and calm when you come to feel that she is against you. Again, your aggressive expressions of your anger will only push her further away.
For more tips on how to deal with anger in marriage, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to manage anger in marriage – Deal with your & your spouse’s anger.
How to deal with resentment in your marriage – Reduce resentment.
- Sincerely apologize:
Before giving a sincere apology to your wife, make sure you have understood how your wife has been hurt and that you remain contrite and calm. Apologizing to her does not mean that you have to accept that your behavior was “bad”, but you need to let her feel that you regret what you did hurt her regardless of your intentions. When she is receptive and your apology is sincere, she can feel that you are trying to better understand her feelings; the more sincere your apology is, the more willing she is to connect with you.
- Show her romance:
If you think that courtship has already ended at the point of entering into marriage, then love tends to fade into companionship; but in fact, romance can last a lifetime. And you might recall some impressive things you did that led her to fall in love with you, and then try to rekindle the flame of the romance by repeating the pattern. Surely, you should also seek new ways of pleasing your wife as circumstances change.
In short, to get your wife back after separation, you might try to be more romantic and affectionate than ever before. Courtship requires continuous efforts, and the reward can be a more loving marriage. Just like you look after your garden, you should also take regular action to keep the romance alive.
For more tips on how to bring romance back into your marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
How to romance your wife again – Tips for romance with your wife.
To get your wife back after separation, you need to accept that you and your wife often see things differently:
It is not the existence of marital conflict that is detrimental to marital stability or satisfaction, but how couples manage conflict when it occurs. A lot of separating couples complain that they often have quite different perspectives on things, such as issues related to politics, morality, parenting, religion, household finances, and so on. And they may mistakenly think that they can not go on to work as a couple unless they can function as one mind and one body when dealing with issues in married life.
Holding opposing views on things can create friction, but having conflict is an inevitable incident in a long-term relationship, and the nature of married life is to continuously seek common ground and reserve differences. Therefore, to get your wife back after separation, you do not have to evade those conflicting problems; and even though some problems can not be resolved at the time being, you need to learn how to better deal with those differences in opinion, and here are some tips:
- Talk things over calmly:
You can explain your position, but make sure to speak honestly, openly, and calmly. Don’t attack your wife’s ideas and assumptions, and don’t take an aggressive stance, just stick to what you are thinking about, and say “I think/feel…” After you talk things through in this way, you may realize that the situation is not so intense as you imagined.
- Don’t force things:
It is wrong to impose your thoughts on your wife. Faced with the differences of view, you might try to look at them from another angle – normally, people hold different views on an issue, and you have to admit that many times you also hold a view that is one-sided or not comprehensive; therefore, your wife’s different views can be valuable and interesting because they can help you gain an in-depth understanding of things. After you see those differences as positives instead of potential sources of friction, your wife may also feel that you become more easygoing and open-minded.
- Anytime, you should consider whether your wife’s view is more plausible:
A person can not be in every way better than someone else. And you also have to admit that sometimes your woman has a better idea and does a better job than you do. Understandably, it is not always an easy thing to accept that; after all, men have a fragile ego, especially when a man comes up against his woman’s ideas that are quite different to his own; but as a mature man, you have to accept the possibility, it is something that you have to learn during the self-growth journey; when you get into a fierce argument with your wife, you might try to make a shift in perspective: try to stand in the point of view of a spectator instead of a participant – if you were a spectator and you just objectively weighed up the disagreement, which side would you be on?
- Clarify your boundaries:
In most cases, married couples need to acknowledge differences and accept them. But on the other hand, it is important to understand how difference is too different. When you realize something that the two of you are disagreeing over is fundamentally important to you, you should let her know that there is no room for compromise on it, but that you can consider making more concessions in other things. After all, boundaries are also essential in a sustainable marriage.
Separation can not only be a beginning of the end but also be a beginning:
Marital separation does not always lead to divorce, although it may keep you on the path to divorce. It can also be a time of repentance, forgiveness, and renewed commitment. If you are clear that you want to save the broken marriage but you do not have ideas of what you should do, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
8 tips on marriage reconciliation after separation – survive the separation.
How to gain your wife’s trust back – Regain your lost trust.
How to fix a marriage after a fight – Reconcile after a big fight.
Should you stay in a loveless marriage – How to survive a loveless marriage.
How to deal with marital conflict – Resolve conflict in marriage.
How to make your wife fall in love with you again.
How to make your wife feel appreciated – Keep these in mind.