Emotional connection is the glue in marriage. The stability of a marriage is largely dependent on how strong a couple’s sense of “WE” is and how connected they feel; in married life, couples need to learn to stay emotionally connected regardless of the situation. And when a couple feels they are not regularly connecting on a deep emotional level, the bond that keeps them together is weak.
And here are some practical tips on how to stay emotionally connected in your marriage:
(1) Make a working date:
More often than not, we want to stay with our spouses for a longer time, but our free time is just in short supply because our days are packed with work; in this situation, the connection time is greatly reduced.
However, being busy does not always mean we have to be alone. If possible, you two can make a working date – try to stay together but attend to your respective things. And be clear that the date is a working date and that one or both of you need to complete the required tasks first. For a spouse who is too busy to make room for quality time with the other one, it is fun to be in the presence of his/her significant other; and that can help lighten the mood as the spouse pushes through his/her required work; and if you are busy with work, probably you will also feel that way during a working date. Of course, after the work is finished, you and your spouse can spend the remaining time on some things you have been procrastinating on that you desire to accomplish.
(2) Run errands together:
Quality time in marriage is not always exciting; many times, it is about how to enjoy the mundane and routine of life. A typical example is grocery shopping. When you think that you can’t make time for a date night, you might go grocery shopping together, instead of going shopping alone; and such a short shopping trip can also be a productive way to spend time together.
(3) No electronics at the dinner table or in the bedroom:
If you have been struggling to spend plenty of quality time with your spouse, it is quite important to take note of those things that should be quality time. For instance, when you live together, remind yourself not to eat dinner in front of the television, just sit down and eat dinner with your spouse; likewise, if possible, you should not bring screens into the bedroom. Probably, your spouse has never complained about that, but he/she resents you for being on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter when you could be snuggling.
(4) Be mindful of your emotional reaction:
Your negative emotional reaction can temporarily break the emotional connection with your spouse. When it comes to marital issues, you and your spouse don’t always agree. It is normal. But as your emotions get heated during an argument with your spouse, there is a tendency that you will say and do things that will hurt your spouse; and if you do that way, you will regret later. So once you realize that your negative emotions (e.g. rage, bitterness, envy, and resentment) are spiraling out of control, you might give yourself a silent break to re-frame and reflect – be mindful of what sets you off and upsets your spouse, and think about how to prevent the situation from getting worse. A key to keeping the emotional connection in the relationship lies in whether you can keep communicating respectfully and regulate your negative emotions in time during conversations with your spouse.
(5) Let go of small issues that may interfere with your connection:
Ask yourself whether you often hang onto small things that your spouse says or does that annoy you. If you are always critical of your spouse about little things, probably he/she is bored with you, and naturally, he/she is reluctant to connect with you. Surely, it is necessary to talk about and address serious issues in your marriage; but in general, those small things are not worth the frustration or anger you invest in them.
(6) Don’t sweep problems under the rug:
In many problematic relationships, when a partner hates conflict and sweeps serious problems under the rug, the other one actually wants to confront them and work together to handle them. No doubt, being conflict avoidant can lead to loneliness and distance in a marriage. In the short run, avoiding serious conflict seems to help maintain peace and stability; but if left unresolved, it will just be the lull before the storm; over time, a marital crisis will emerge in with the accumulation of serious problems; and those troubled couples drift further apart after a heated argument/fight.
(7) Affirm your spouse’s opinion:
Disconnection in marriage can be caused by a lack of understanding between spouses. And it is very easy to feel emotionally disconnected from each other when a couple sees things rather differently; therefore, when you are arguing with your spouse, having a big disagreement, you should be aware that your spouse badly wants you to be more understanding; putting yourself in his/her shoes can be perceived as an obvious gesture that shows respect and love, and it goes a long way toward increasing mutual feelings of connection.
And it is not so hard to try to affirm your spouse’s opinion; for example, during an intense argument, you might ask some insightful or curious questions to gain an in-depth understanding of your spouse’s thoughts; at the moment, your spouse is not disgusted with those questions; on the contrary, he/she feels pleased and relieved with your doing so.
(8) Have a daily chat:
As we all know, outside stress can easily spill over into personal and family life; under excessive stress, we may lose access to our senses, and therefore lose our ability to connect intimately. To stay connected in your marriage, you need to learn to manage daily stress, especially the stress that comes from outside. So a daily chat should be viewed as a stress-reducing conversation. In everyday life, you might pick a time when you and your spouse are both free from distractions, and then spend tens of minutes chatting; remember, a daily chat should be a light conversation; so during a daily chat, you do not have to talk about disagreements or conflict, and keep this time for chatting about things outside the relationship. And here are some guidelines for this type of conversation:
- Take turns to talk.
- Don’t give unsolicited advice.
- Show your genuine interest.
- Communicate your understanding.
- Take your spouse’s side.
- Express a “we-are-a-team” attitude.
- Validate your spouse’s emotions – respond to him/her in a manner that confirms his/her feelings.
- Make eye contact.
(9) Think about what turns your spouse on:
Sex bonds couples. When it comes to how to stay emotionally connected in your marriage, how to sustain a strong sexual connection is always one of the important aspects. As time passes, sex in marriage may become routine, less frequent, or even disappear altogether. Probably, you have no longer been concerned about issues related to your sex life, such as what you can do to turn your spouse on, and when and where you and your spouse have a great sexual connection.
After you and your spouse have drifted into a sexless marriage, probably his/her libido is so low that he/she can hardly experience the spontaneous desire for sex; whereas in a certain context, he/she can be turned on through responsive desire; that is to say, arousal comes first and then sexual desire.
(10) Don’t take the relationship for granted:
A lot of people often exhibit their best behavior during the first few months or years of a long term relationship; not surprisingly, that helps keep the emotional connection as a couple. However, they gradually start to develop a certain level of emotional comfort; and whether they realize it or not, they just simply take the relationship for granted; and they stop trying hard as they did during the early stage of their relationships.
No doubt, you need to make continuous efforts to maintain the physical and emotional connection with your spouse, regardless of how long you have been married. When you realize that you have stopped working as hard as before, whether in the way that you take care of yourself or in the way that you treat your spouse, your spouse must have already noticed the change. And when your spouse feels that you no longer value the relationship, especially when he/she feels that you have no longer been polite and respectful to him/her, he/she can easily feel disconnected from you. Therefore, a simple shift of not taking everyday interaction for granted may do wonders for the long-term relationship.
Can a marriage survive without emotional connection?
When a marriage is struggling due to a lack of emotional connection, neither spouse will feel secure or happy in the relationship. Hence, the relationship is pretty much doomed to failure.
Once a couple is emotionally detached, it takes a lot of commitment and determination to restore the emotional connection in the relationship. If you need more tips on how to save a marriage when the relationship is connection-starved, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to keep your marriage alive – Maintain a happy long term marriage?
How to survive an emotionally disconnected marriage?
7 easily unnoticed signs of emotional detachment in marriage.
How to have a fulfilling marriage – Make your marriage last.
When your marriage is stale, how to fix it and keep it alive.
How to fix the marriage when your spouse hurts your feelings.