Marriage is a long journey; and during the journey, inevitably there are times when a husband comes to hate his wife. And sometimes a wife is confused about how to deal with a husband who hates her, although they may have lived together for a long time.
Understandably, it is painful to hear your husband blurt out the words like “I hate you”, and “I want a divorce” There can be too many reasons why a husband hates his wife. Sometimes, as a wife, you may feel that your husband just gets angry or resentful without rhyme or reason. Anyway, it is important to get him to stop hating you and get the relationship back on track as soon as possible.
If you wonder what to do when your husband says he hates you, here’re 7 tips:
1 Don’t be highly reactive:
First of all, you do not have to prematurely jump to the conclusion that the worst thing will come soon. “Hate” is a word that carries strong emotions; when your man says he hates you, he wants you to feel his power over you. Although his purpose is to use strong emotional words to let you feel that you have upset him, he may have no intention of hating you as a person, and maybe he just hates you for something you did to him. Especially when he says “I hate you” while intensely arguing with you about a divisive issue, probably he just lets his emotions run too deep.
So, when your man says he hates you, no need to respond to him quickly and violently, it is better to wait and see how he acts next. Unless emotional words are followed by actions, those words are nothing serious. Surely, if his following actions clearly show that he doesn’t love you, probably your marriage runs into trouble, and you need to work together with him to fix it. But no matter what, after the dust has settled, don’t forget to let him feel that you were hurt by his remarks; and if possible, the two of you might reach a mutually-accepted agreement – respect each other and don’t express feelings by using painful words, no matter how angry you two are in the future.
2 Put problems aside, show empathy first:
When your husband hates you, you must feel an urgent need to figure out what problems he has. In that situation, I bet you must have an impulse to directly ask him “What’s wrong/up with you?” You want to try to solve problems right away to stop him from pulling away. If you do that, probably he will tune you out although your heart is in the right place; instead, you should resist the urge to solve relationship problems; and make a point to show empathy and kindness towards him first.
When a relationship problem vexes him for a long time, he doesn’t expect a certain solution can solve it instantly; and he wants to be understood first because he feels a more urgent need to vent his feelings than to solve a troublesome problem.
Although there is no script for showing empathy, its reality is less about what you say and more about showing up and listening well. But to help you find a good way to express empathy towards your man who hates you now, it is necessary to stress some points:
- Acknowledge his painful feelings (e.g. “I know how you feel”, “I’m sorry you are going through this”, “I know what you are going through is difficult”)
- Show gratitude (e.g. “I will be glad if you tell me”, “Thank you for opening up to me”)
- Be encouraging and supportive (e.g. “You matter”, “I’m willing/happy to listen”)
3 Resolve personal resentment or anger:
Resentment stems from something that had happened in the past, and it can silently build up over time, and it sleeps likes rust – it gradually eats away at marital happiness. In your married life, there can be so many potential sources of resentment (e.g. sex, household chores, finances, issues with family members, issues with friends, and social preferences), you may fail to neglect certain unresolved situations that have provided a space for your husband’s resentment to grow. As time goes on, resentment tends to reach the point where he begins to feel bitter. Once bitterness takes root in his heart, it becomes hard to remove; and it can lead to hate; as he repeatedly recall something bad that you did to him, he feels increasingly hurt and hates you more.
Because of the damaging effects that resentment can have on your marriage, it is important to recognize the signs that your husband is harboring resentment; and once some signs are noticed, you have got to figure out what has created the long-lasting resentment towards you. Furthermore, you should remember that resentment can be released only when you maintain open and honest communication, no matter what issues caused his feelings of hate.
For more tips, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to deal with resentment in your marriage – Reduce resentment.
How to manage anger in marriage – Deal with your & your spouse’s anger.
4 Don’t be proud:
Everyone hates pride and arrogance, but not everyone can be humble. Even sometimes your man himself may come across as proud or arrogant, but he just expects you to be humble. A husband may list pride as one of his turn-offs in his wife. In a marriage, pride brings about unhealthy competition or rivalry between two parties, thereby giving one party a strong sense of insecurity. Let’s say you earn much more money than your husband or you are older than him, you should be careful not to make him feel that his ego is damaged when you are relating to him on his age or income.
When you have an advantage over your husband, you should demonstrate more humility than pride to make him feel secure. Even though you possess fortune and a high rank in society, never content yourself by assuming an air of superiority over your husband. For example, if he can’t afford to buy a new car but you can, don’t be supercilious and sarcastic in front of him.
If one spouse is weak in one field, the other spouse should try to build him/her up, rather than look down upon him/her. That is one essence of marriage.
5 Quit begging:
When your husband says he hates you, there is no need to cry, beg, or apologize for the sake of getting his attention back. Understandably, sometimes the more he pulls away from you, the more you crave attention from him. But if you do that way, he will feel that you are so pathetic; this course of action is so damaging to a marriage – it ruins your self-respect, and it also puts your husband in a stressful position. Remember, at any point, invoking “pity” is never a good way to try to get your man to happily come back to you.
For more tips on how to stop being a nagging wife, you might go on to read the post below:
Are you a nagging wife – How to stop nagging him.
6 Don’t be controlling:
In any relationship, a man hates a woman who is a control freak. For him, the controlling behavior of his woman is degrading and emasculating. Meanwhile, when you are trying to control your man, more often than not, your husband resists or rejects your irrational control, so you are not happy too, although such behavior helps relieve your fear and anxiety. No one likes being controlled in a relationship; if one party always tries to control the other one, over time, controlling behavior will only cause resentment on the controlled party, and hence the controlled party will become more emotionally distant in the relationship. For example, if you always restrict him from enjoying something he used to do, probably he will harbor resentment towards you even though he promises you that he will no longer do it.
So, try to give him more freedom to be himself when your husband says he hates you – as long as he is still loyal and merely desires to unwind, you might grant him some pleasure he seeks.
It is well known that controlling behavior can sabotage a relationship. However, it is not so easy to recognize and deal with controlling behavior of your own.
For more tips, you might go on to read the posts below:
Controlling behavior causes – How to stop being controlling in your marriage.
How to understand controlling behavior in marriage.
7 Help him reduce stress:
If you do something that irritates your husband unintentionally when he is going through a lot of stress, he may scream, saying “I hate you“，“I don’t want to talk to you…” When your man takes all his stress on you, you may feel like something is killing you inside. Of course, you both suffer in that situation. Sometimes, your man may not be capable of handling stress from multiple sources well, maybe he had done his job badly, maybe unexpected bills left him short, or maybe his business failed… At that moment when he takes the stress out on you, you are serving as a punching bag. No doubt, it is unfair to you.
It is right to have boundaries with a depressed partner, for example, you might simply walk away when he is yelling at you for no good reason, and you might choose not to talk to him unless he has emotionally recovered; in doing so, maybe later he will apologize for his irrational behavior. Yet a better way is to help him relieve his stress, for example, you might cross a chore off his to-do list, have just-for-him sex, or make his favorite food for him.
By the way, if you realize stress is ruining your marriage, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to survive a stressful marriage – Deal with marital stress.
How to support your husband when he is stressed out.
The final word:
When your husband says he hates you, it can be regarded as one of his complaints that you don’t know enough about him. More or less, there are deviations for a woman in the understanding of the way her man speaks and acts. As a wife who desires to be always there for him, you need to be aware that understanding your man is an iterative process that can not be completed at one go.
Actually, it is quite normal for a spouse to hate the other one sometimes; after all, every long-term relationship can breed hurt feelings, anger, resentment, and disappointments when the relationship continues to be on the wrong track; however, it is important for problematic couples to fix the marriage and reconcile with each other as soon as possible; otherwise, constant disconnection can open the potential for more marital crises.
Resentment can eat away at any love relationship. As love is slowly replaced with disgust and hate, the foundational connection will be sapped of energy, and the resentment will grow over time.
If you urgently need more tips to reconcile with your husband who has become bored and distant, you might go on to read the page below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience; it will not only point out a series of mistakes that you should avoid when your husband wants out, but also show you a path to recovery when anger, resentment, as well as the ensuing bitterness badly affects your marriage:
Maybe, you are also interested in the posts below:
4 matters you should pay attention to when your husband hates you.
What to do when your husband is bored with you – Rekindle your marriage.
Signs your husband is pulling away – Why he seems distant.
How to deal with an emotionally distant husband – Make him open up.
What to do when your husband is not affectionate towards you.
Why your husband is distant – How to stop him from being distant.
What does it mean when you feel like your husband hates you?
How to get your separated husband back – Prevent divorce.
What every man secretly wants – How to make him devoted to you.
How to mend the marriage when your husband says hurtful words.