Almost every married man unavoidably goes through a gut-wrenchingly depressing experience at one time or another in his life. And a midlife crisis is a clear embodiment of such an experience for the majority of married men between forty and fifty. Usually, a man’s midlife crisis makes his woman sincerely voice the opinion like “I thought I knew him very well, yet I never imagined that he could change so drastically. How could he become so nasty to me?”
Now you may realize that your marriage is hitting a rough patch because of your husband’s unexpected change, and you may have started to suspect your husband of suffering through a midlife crisis, and you may wonder how to confirm it.
The following enumerates some possible common signs your husband is having a midlife crisis and gives the corresponding tips about what you can do about them.
1 Feeling a need for a change or adventure:
“He did dye his hair”, “He purchased a new sports motor and starts to enjoy long-distance motor trips.” ”He has recently spent much time drinking in bars recently, yet I never thought that he could become a barfly.” Like these words, it is common to hear a wife complain about the seemingly strange, preposterous, or absurd things of her significant half, who is having a midlife crisis. But those things are all about re-capturing his youth and longing for something that he missed.
Go back to the subject about your marriage; if your husband ever neglected some things that were once interesting or meaningful to him (probably your man has never expressed his interest in those things in your presence), he may feel the urge to experience them during his midlife crisis.
If this situation happens to your husband, how should you deal with his need for a change or adventure? It is better not to sit home alone wondering what the hell he is thinking. If possible, try to accept some of his needs that are still considered valid, and participate a bit in his new plans or activities. In this way, you can get close to him instead of keeping you at a distance from him. Remember, a midlife crisis husband is quite sensitive to the feeling of distance, it is particularly easy to cause him to question himself: should I go on to stay in this relationship if my woman is always so distant?
2 Feeling detached:
If your husband has lost interest in many things that he used to enjoy working with you together (e.g. getting bored with have sex with you, and hanging out with you), it is probably one of the signs your husband is having a midlife crisis. In particular, the loss of his sexual interest in you may not only be a sign that he is unsatisfied with your sexual performance but also more likely to signal his midlife depression, his emotional insecurity or even the presence of “the third person” than the other time. Conversely, the sudden use of his new sexual techniques that you are completely unfamiliar with, or an unexpected sudden renewed interest in sex, may also involve an extra-marital affair that he may have had recently. By the way, the loss of his sexual interest is a complicated issue. For more tips about how to survive in a sexless marriage, you may read the post below:
How to survive in a sexless marriage – Is a sexless relationship doomed?
When you notice that he feels detached from you, that he no longer has interest in some well-known things that could have given him pleasure, or that even he becomes reluctant to engage with you as well as other people close to him, it is almost certain that he is trying to hide his feelings and that he is in an emotional battle. If you are not sure about what he is thinking about, you are supposed to initiate a candid and constructive conversation with your intended topic, directly tell him that you have found that he no longer enjoys certain things and that he has become less engaged with you overall. Let him confirm the worsening situation and realize the recent abnormal change of his own personality, and allow him to explain the reason; during the conversation, make sure not to blame/criticize him.
3 Constant blame and anger triggered by rapid mood swings:
In the mind of a midlife crisis husband, his wife is a problem maker, and even he may publicly complain that his life should have been grand if it wasn’t for his/her spouse. For example, if your husband is growing increasingly stressed about his financial struggles, he may lay the blame on your daily spending even though there may be no persuasive reasons. For a married man who is in a midlife crisis, he often fails to look internally and examine the reason why he is feeling discontent because he is easily overwhelmed by negative emotions at this stage.
On the contrary, he is inclined to look externally and blame other people around him; as the closest person to him, the main relationship in his life is closely related to you; hence, it makes sense that you become the first victim of his midlife crisis, and you will have to bear most of his harsh blame caused by his bad moods.
During this tough period of marriage, what should you do? You should be very aware that your husband is sorely tempted to blame all the things that appear unpleasing to him. And it is almost impossible to stop him from doing so, you have to be mentally prepared for such behavior – remind yourself that your man is tempted to be angry or short-tempered once he feels low. When he wants to initiate a meaningless and seemingly endless blame game, the only thing that you can do is not to respond to him; even if your emotional buttons are pushed by his anger and resentment, you need to learn to resist the urge to react to his provocation; and meanwhile, you need to learn to how to release your negative emotions in constructive ways. Remember, your strong emotional response is just what your midlife crisis husband wants – he tries to argue about all sorts of senseless relationship issues with you. Speaking baldly, a midlife crisis husband consciously or unconsciously looks for a chance to stir up the trouble.
4 Doubting whether you are the right partner:
Probably, you may have been married for tens of years. To all outward appearances, everything was fine in the marriage and he seemed content to be there. But unexpectedly, he suddenly tells you that he hates the marriage that has already been a living hell; in your impression, maybe he has never complained about the choice of marriage before. Even your midlife crisis husband may question if this marital relationship was ever legitimate or not, then he may also attempt to make himself feel legitimate to negate the marriage at all by demonizing you and accusing you of forcing him into this relationship. You will be described as an evil spouse who has never met his physical or emotional needs, so he can justify his feelings of discomfort with the relationship.
If you are encountering the situation like above, believe nothing that he has said to your disfavor, and no need to believe what he deliberately wants you to see.
5 Sudden depression:
A midlife crisis can be viewed as an uncomfortable time of self-reflection for a lot of married men. Various goals during his adolescence, that may not be achieved, can become a cause for his sudden depression, because he may think that those goals that can’t be reached by the age of 50 will become out of reach afterward. Like many husbands who are having a midlife crisis, your man may also start to become aware of his life goals and find this compelling and daunting. It is very likely that he has reached a plateau in his career plateau, and that he has been addicted to harking back to his past glory days.
In addition, he has to shoulder the heavy family responsibility during this difficult time in his life. This can be also a factor contributing to his sudden depression.
As a wife, what can you do for him when the continuous depression hurts him? Whatever you can do, at least, make sure to be there with him and try your best to create a supportive home environment, and that should be the most helpful thing you can do.
Here shares with you some tips on how to help your midlife crisis husband deal with depression:
- Help him re-set and acknowledge other small goals as well as daily achievements. Help him break down a large task into several small tasks to let him see progress.
- Take the initiative to handle more chores: re-create your daily schedule to handle more chores that should have been assigned to him.
- Timely encourage him; when he feels hopeless, he tends to judge himself harshly; at that time, you might remind him of his strengths and areas of improvement.
- Create a low-stress home environment: minimize stress in your family by setting a predictable routine; maintain a calm and peaceful atmosphere in your home; lower your expectations for him.
6 A sudden desire for a brand new, passionate, or intimate relationship:
For a married man in a midlife crisis, he may suddenly feel bored with the same old woman in the bedroom. Hence, it is not surprising that so many women who struggle to live with their midlife crisis husbands eventually suffer myriad negative consequences of their men’s infidelity.
No doubt, in your marriage, his infidelity is most likely to be one of the signs your husband is having a midlife crisis. Surely, it should be the most noteworthy sign because of its devastating damage to a long-term committed relationship.
Therefore, if you notice your midlife crisis husband spends more and more time chatting online on the computer/pad/smartphone, maybe you have detected a sign that he is considering cheating on you. Surely, this only can be viewed as a suspicious sign; to figure out whether he has started to seek another woman to fulfill his sexual or emotional needs, you had better combine his other behavior that is related to his midlife crisis. For example, you may also pay attention to the recent change in his social patterns, if he was always a homebody but suddenly likes going out to various clubs and pubs, it may signify something significant has happened to him.
Furthermore, a midlife crisis husband may feel that his sense of manhood decreases as he grows old, therefore he may feel the need to prove his masculinity. From this point, he thinks that it is easier to reclaim the sense of manhood by having sex with another younger woman. Many men have always been loyal to their women before entering the phase of midlife; but when they hit a midlife crisis, unexpectedly they also have a roving eye for other pretty women; and that can cause serious detriment to their marital relationships. The type of women they hook up with is also probably not what they really want; but generally, those women look young and pretty, because they have the qualities that can get his masculinity better validated.
However, even if infidelity happens to your marriage during his midlife crisis, there may still be possibilities that a broken marriage can be saved, or you may still have many valid reasons for salvaging the broken relationship.
If you want to get more tips about how to deal with your husband’s infidelity, you may go on to read the posts below:
10 basic tips on how to prevent your husband from cheating on you.
9 tips on how to make your husband loyal – what he needs in the marriage.
How to forgive betrayal and move on in your marriage.
7 Making more impulsive decisions:
A midlife crisis husband can react irrationally by taking all kinds of impulsive decisions, such as separating from the house, quitting the satisfactory job that he has been engaged in for many years, asking for a divorce, and so on. He is inclined to make rash decisions alone without consultation with other people (including his wife).
It is possible that he has jumped to some important conclusions about the state of his life, like perhaps that his marriage isn’t as happy as he hoped, or that his career is no longer fulfilling. After a midlife crisis husband makes a rash decision – like an automatic knee-jerk reaction – based on his sudden negative emotions and thoughts that can hardly bring about therapeutic outcomes, eventually he has to toil long on his personal road of regret.
If you find that your husband suddenly becomes a person who acts on impulse, what you can do is to try to persuade him to act before thinking; especially after he calms down emotionally, try your best to let him deeply understand the possible long-term ramifications of making a certain significant life change (e.g. quitting his steady job, and signing the divorce papers), and try your best to let him wake up to a fact – what he is doing is just an avoidance of reality actually.
The final word:
Of course, there are also many other signs that are not mentioned or described in detail here, such as an obsession with appearance, disconnecting from old friends (instead, making young friends), thoughts of death or dying, increased consumption of drugs or alcohol, and so on. In short, a midlife crisis can take on a variety of forms ranging from mild to dangerous; and it may impact the well-being, health, and finances. Just be attentive, you may recognize many possible signs your husband is having a midlife crisis.
Unfortunately, a lot of marriages can not survive in such a difficult time, and eventually, they come apart at the seams, especially when the midlife crisis husband undergoes a significant change of personality and becomes unfaithful. However, as his loyal life partner, you have the responsibility to help him get through this very trying time. If you really cherish your marriage and want to maintain the family, you should not give up any efforts to save your marriage, even if you are the only one who wants to save it.
And if you want to get more expert tips about how to save your marriage during your husband’s midlife crisis, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience in helping couples survive in unhappy marriages:
And you might also go on to read the post below:
7 Tips on surviving midlife crisis of your husband.
When your husband acts distant, what is he thinking?
Why a husband lies to his wife – Signs of a lying husband.
Why you feel unloved by your husband – How to save your marriage.
Why your husband is unhappy with you – Understand him better.
What you should not do when your husband wants a divorce.
The 5 most important emotional needs of a man – Meet his needs.