Any marriage is not free from problems. When a marriage hits rock bottom, the relationship stresses each other out and leaves each other exhausted; a spouse’s feelings towards the other one change significantly, and a spouse frequently doubts or questions whether the other one is the right person for him/her; in that situation, maintaining a marriage becomes a struggling work.
If you also feel your marriage is on the rocks, the tips below may be worth reading:
1 Tell yourself that conflict can give way to growth:
Serious marital conflict doesn’t necessarily mean that marriage comes to an end. Probably, it is a turning point at which new growth is going to occur. Almost every marriage goes from the romance stage to the power struggle stage. At this juncture, we have a human tendency to be protective and defensive. For instance, when your spouse feels the need to change the relationship dynamic, the protective and defensive instinct can cause you to think he/she is making a risky/false step, and then you split and oppose each other; and vice versa.
When a spouse complains that everything is the other one’s fault during conflict, this sets the other one up for a negative reaction which is either attacking or withdrawing. That can snowball and result in one or both spouses feeling hopeless about the relationship.
For more tips, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to defuse conflict in marriage – Calm down a heated argument。
6 tips on how to make up with your spouse after a fight.
2 Concentrate on what you can do:
When your marriage is on the rocks, you need to focus on what you can change in the relationship. By the time your spouse comes to see you, you may have a long list of things that you wish him/her would change. However, many things are not what you think, and they are also out of your control, such as asking him/her to stop watching too much TV, asking him/her to come back home early every day, and asking him/her to come to bed with you. Surely, it would be nice if your spouse would change for you, but it is up to him/her; if you attempt to change things that you are not able to change as you want, you will suffer much unnecessary grief sooner or later.
Hence, when it comes to those things that hang on whether your spouse is willing to do, don’t look forward too much, just leave them up to your spouse; and don’t let the possible bad results irritate you. Instead, try to focus on those things that you have full control over; in doing so, over time you will find yourself having better moods and being more relaxed. No doubt, a loose and free atmosphere is conducive to the healthy development of a long-term relationship.
3 Don’t complicate the existing problems:
When there is bad blood between you and your spouse, you should not yield to the temptation to hurt him/her; especially if you deliberately complicate the existing problems by adding unnecessary mistakes or raising new issues, you can’t stop the downward spiral of the relationship. On the other hand, infuriating your spouse and getting even is an immature action; for instance, when you are struggling with your spouse’s mood swings, you should not use this as an excuse to cheat on him/her. To have a more lasting and mature relationship, you should avoid such an action.
Problems are normal and inevitable in any long-term relationship; but whatever your intention, it is foolish to attempt to complicate a problem by adding more problems. Marriage means a couple should build each other up, rather than tear each other down. By the way, if you are bitter about a problem that has not been well solved and you can’t resist fussing and grumbling to relieve your bad feelings, you might consider expressing in a constructive way. For example, you might ditch your pride with humility, and replace your resentment/anger with love/care.
4 Recognize your spouse’s pain:
When your marriage is on the rocks, I bet you are ruminating over your relationship; and during the process, it is so easy to get stuck in your own difficult emotions. And this may foster the illusion that you are the only victim of the marital crisis; when you have this feeling, most likely, your spouse also feels ignored by you, and he/she thinks that you are not empathetic towards him/her. Of all the things to break up a long-term relationship, a lack of empathy is up there near the top of the laundry list.
Therefore, from time to time, you should try to put aside your intense emotions and look at the marital problems from his/her standpoint. Don’t think this is just a tricky way to make you feel lighter and calmer; what is more important, this helps you detach yourself from the stubborn relationship problems and become more objective. Your spouse secretly wants you to understand that he/she is also going through something painful, and he/she wants you to turn toward him/her and recognize his/her pain and be there for him/her.
5 Spend more time reflecting on the good:
Don’t be overwhelmed by your negative thoughts and attitudes towards your spouse. Since you decide to save the broken marriage, you do not have to dwell on the bad parts of the relationship; instead, you should spend more time reflecting upon its good parts. For example, ask yourself what your fondest memories together are, and what things about your spouse bring you joy, amaze you, or inspire you; and even though now you and your spouse have some especially bitter arguments, you might also acknowledge what he/she has done right first.
6 Don’t make rash decisions:
When your marriage enters a particularly rough patch (e.g. an awful transgression/fight, an unspoken and grueling sex drought, a dysfunctional relationship pattern that has already repeated itself too many times), you feel an urge to quit the relationship; but whether you do it out of fear, laziness, frustration, fear, anger… you will regret later because you will realize that you gave the relationship too soon.
And the hard truth is difficult marriage seasons are also a normal part of married life. But in fact, the majority of marital issues are solvable although some of them seem insurmountable.
In general, except for any abuse (e.g. alcohol abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, and drug abuse), couples are advised to try hard to keep their marriages going. And when you have clearly seen your part of the relationship problem and you have done your work to change but one or both of you are still unhappy, you may consider ending the relationship. In short, you should avoid the tendency to make sudden or rash decisions in a difficult moment because most of those decisions will be ultimately proven wrong.
7 Reset your expectations:
If you align your expectations with reality in your life, you will never be disappointed. Likewise, when your marriage is on the rocks, probably your unrealistic expectations may be robbing you of marital happiness unnecessarily. Now, it is time to think about how realistic your expectations in the intimate relationship are. And below is a simple description of some common expectations regarding a marriage. You might take some time to reflect upon them:
- Differences are expected in married life:
Every spouse has a unique personal history that informs his/her unique personality and expectations. So it is no wonder that you and your spouse have differences in perspective from time to time.
- A long-term committed relationship requires continuous hard work:
Marriage requires constant work in the form of discussion, consideration, and commitment to face challenges together. Thriving in a marriage requires much more than simply depending on the energy from the initial attraction and love.
- Over time, both you and your spouse can change:
Both you and your spouse may change in the priorities, interests, values, and expectations regarding what you want in the relationship. In the face of this change, the marriage requires ongoing communication, attention, and care for it to not only survive but thrive.
- The long-term relationship may not provide unconditional love:
You have to accept the fact – the love in your marriage may not be like the unconditional love that was grounded in your infancy or early childhood. That kind of love is truly essential for self-growth and self-development.
- Compromise is essential in a marriage:
Compromise is essential for resolving each other’s inherent differences that inevitably lead to disagreement and conflict. Therefore, you do not have to interfere in every matter, especially if it is just a minor hindrance or annoyance. You should decide what is really important to you and then pick your battles.
- Misunderstandings are inevitable. Your spouse can’t always read your mind.
- Your spouse may not change as he/she would or as you wish.
The final word:
A marriage is a huge emotional investment for both you and your spouse, so do not give it up easily. No matter how much you feel your relationship is dying, it may not mean your marriage is doomed. On the other hand, fixing the marriage is so tough that it takes a mass of efforts, attention, and time. But anyway, as long as one or both of you are still willing to salvage the marriage, the relationship can still have a strong vitality.
For more tips on how to save a marriage on the rocks and build a happier marriage, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
4 basic tips on how to get through a rough patch in a marriage.
What should you do when you are separated from your spouse?
What should you do when your marriage is on the brink of divorce?
How to change yourself to save your marriage – Be your best.
Why you feel bored in your marriage – How to overcome boredom.
Top common challenges in marriage – How to overcome them.
What you should not do when your husband wants to separate.
Pay attention to these signs of an emotionally distant wife.