As a marriage develops, a wife may experience the uncertainty and panic that occur when her husband starts withdrawing or pulling away. Maybe, something sparks it, or it just happens out of the blue; either way, it leaves a wife feeling insecure and powerless.
When your husband acts distant, I bet you also question yourself: “What happened?”, “Why he acts this way?”, “Is there something I have done wrong that causes this sudden shift?” …
Next, let’s try to understand what a man is thinking and feeling when he acts distant:
1 The honeymoon is over:
At the early stage of any marriage, most couples overdo it on togetherness; they spend too much time with each other; they frequently send text messages, post status updates, silly selfies… It seems that they can not stand apart literally.
The honeymoon phase means the addictive part of a love relationship. The length of this phase is controlled as much by a couple’s hormones as by a couple’s feelings. In this phase, the relationship may go into overdrive due to excitement and novelty. However, as time passes (usually it lasts only a maximum of 18 to 24 months), the need to be real with each other and focus on other parts of married life takes over.
This is a necessary yet not bad change in a marriage, and couples need to undergo a process to adapt to the change; generally, a couple can not accept the change at the same pace; in other words, during the process, one spouse (especially a wife) may still have a grand expectation of having the hot passion all the time; hence, as the highly passionate relationship cools down, a spouse may misunderstand the other one is acting distant.
2 He is stressed about work:
Unlike women who are naturally good at handling multiple issues at the same time, a man is inclined to focus on one important issue. Especially when a man gets bogged down in a stubborn problem and has not made any tangible progress in it, he will constantly obsess over it. A man, by his nature, is a problem fixer/solver. Therefore, when he is running into a snag with his work, he is very likely to make it more than just a 9-5 problem.
In particular, a husband feels a strong need to provide for both himself and his family members. Therefore, once he feels that his job security is compromised, he will try to figure out what causes the problem as well as what he can do to solve it; during this process, he may look thoughtful and sad, and he may choose to withdraw in the relationship with his wife.
As a wife, if you find that your husband feels overwhelmed by work, make sure to allow him to work problems out on his own; of course, you might ask questions and remain open; but don’t force your husband to speak his mind if he is reluctant to talk.
Likewise, as long as you are sure that your man is disturbed and depressed by his own problems, not yours; you should remain nonjudgmental and be open when he does not want to talk about what troubles him. Just let him know you will always be there for him whenever he needs support.
3 He falls into a toxic cycle of blame/criticism and withdraw:
Has a pattern like the one below ever happened in your relationship?
When you made a request of your spouse (for example, when you rushed around straightening up the mess inside the hall but you noticed your spouse always sit on the sofa watching sports events.), he “forgot” your request, ignored it, rejected it, or even told you through actions or in words to take a hike over and over again; the lack of engagement and connection made you feel cheated, in the heat of the moment you couldn’t help criticizing or even yelling at him… After a heated argument, your man interpreted such a request as disapproving, blaming, or admonishing. And its aftermath was he became hypersensitive to your request later on. So once you made a request of him, he might either fight or give you a silent treatment.
From time to time, an intimate relationship gets caught in a blame/criticism-and-withdraw cycle; your marriage is also not exceptional. And maybe, sometimes your husband becomes distant and withdrawn just because he is still trapped in the blame/criticism-and-withdrawal cycle and he is afraid of being criticized/blamed by you.
Surely, it takes some time for your husband to get out of the cycle naturally. On the other hand, the research found that, in most of those “criticism/blame-and-withdrawal” scenarios, husbands tend to feel disrespected but wives tend to feel unloved in the moment of withdrawal. Therefore, to stop him from being distant, you might seriously think about how to make him feel valued and respected in the relationship; if you have no idea, the posts below may give you some insights:
5 tips on how to make your husband feel loved and respected.
What a man wants most from a woman – A man needs to feel respected.
Is respect important to a man – How to respect your husband.
How to make your husband feel appreciated – Show him appreciation.
4 You hurt his ego:
Your man’s distance may be a sign that you have hurt his ego. A man’s ego is more fragile than a woman’s. Therefore, sometimes what you say or do to him may affect him much more than you realize; and in a long-term relationship, a woman may hurt her man’s ego without even realizing it; when your man feels his ego is hurt by you, he may consider letting you suffer by suddenly becoming cold, distant, withdrawn, and emotionally unavailable.
Actually, a hurt ego is the most common reason why a man pulls away from his woman. If a woman hurts her man’s ego inadvertently and the hurt goes unaddressed, it can cause chronic damage to the relationship. But unfortunately, most women overlook how important a man’s ego is for him, they don’t understand how the male ego works, not to mention how to stroke a man’s ego in their married life.
For more tips, you might go on to read the posts below:
How to deal with your man’s ego – The male ego in marriage.
10 tips on how to boost your husband’s ego – Stroke his ego.
5 He feels you are too needy:
Of course, it is nice to make your man feel needed in the relationship; however, what if he feels that you need him too much? When your husband acts distant, you might reflect on whether you have been too clingy and needy in the relationship. For instance, do you always call/text him way more than he calls/texts you? Do you always want attention and affection from him? Are you always the one who has to instigate any affection and intimacy? And so on; if you say yes, you need to correct this toxic pattern.
More often than not, people who are too needy lack boundaries in a relationship. To receive more affection and love, they are willing to remove their boundaries and sacrifice their identities. However, the lack of boundaries and identities makes them unattractive to their partners. So what about your boundaries? If you admit that you act needy due to your soft boundaries that have already been violated too many times, it is time to re-establish clear, firm boundaries with your husband.
If your man complains that you are spreading yourself too thin, or if you realize that your husband wants you to give him more space, don’t mistake his meaning; it does not mean that he does not want you to care about him, he just feels like you spend too much time with him.
For more tips, you might go on to read the post below:
How to overcome codependency in marriage – Fix the marriage.
6 He wants to quit the relationship:
Sometimes a woman fears that her man’s distance signals the end of a relationship or at least a downward turn towards it. Many times, a man’s distance does not mean he wants to quit the relationship, but sometimes it is the case. When a man wants to quit a relationship and does not yet know how to quit it, he may act cold and distant. On the other hand, he may use this way to make his woman feel the relationship has failed, and he may expect his woman to ask for a divorce/separation. Or when he wants out but he is still mulling and hesitating, he may also act distant because he needs enough space to assess whether the relationship is what he really wants.
Surely, when your husband acts distant, you do not have to jump to this conclusion prematurely unless you have caught other highly suspicious signs that your husband has emotionally checked out.
If you want to further confirm whether your man wants out, you might go on to read the post below:
Don’t ignore these suspicious signs your spouse wants out.
Signs your spouse wants a divorce – Is your marriage in crisis?
For more tips on what to do when your husband wants out, you might go on to read the post below:
What to do when your husband is preoccupied.
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you – Save your marriage.
How to deal with a spouse’s emotional affair – Save the marriage.
The final word:
Men are especially notorious for acting distant at different times in love relationships, some of which have little to do with their relationships, and some of which signals something is wrong with their relationships. As a wife, you need to learn to see it from an objective perspective, rather than overreact to the normal ebbs and flows of your marriage or immediately see it as a sign of a failing marriage.
For more expert tips on how to strengthen the connection with your husband when he acts cold and distant, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
How to connect more with your husband – Make him feel connected.
Why you feel unloved by your husband – How to save your marriage.
What to do when your husband is bored with you – Rekindle your marriage.
How to mend the marriage when your husband says hurtful words.
Why a husband lies to his wife – Signs of a lying husband.
What you should not do when your man ignores you.
What you should not do when your husband wants a divorce.
Don’t miss these subtle signs your marriage might be in trouble.