Your husband says he wants a divorce, and what will happen:
Related research found that after an average man has the thought of ending a marriage, he may take about 2 years to ponder about this issue before actually telling his wife that he wants a divorce. After all, men have more rational thinking than women.
Especially when a man calmly says he wants a divorce, this should not be something that he takes lightly or just a snap decision.
As we all know, a lot of unhappy couples appeal directly to a court to proceed with divorce; that can be a disastrous situation for both parties, and that feels like a battle – each party has to hire a lawyer to debate back and forth on critical issues in the court…
Surely, there will be much you need to handle if you still want to maintain the marriage rather than follow his will to file for divorce. Especially if you are a mother who has kids, you must be aware of the importance of the original family of integrity for their lifelong growth; no doubt, if your husband can change his mind and reconcile with you, that will be the best result.
And the following are some practical advice on what you should not do:
1 Don’t take revenge:
When you find your husband facing the prospect of divorce, probably he has gone from feeling scared, sad to feeling empowered. In this case, you may also form the idea of destroying your husband or getting revenge in the progress; maybe, you will consider going out to hire a mean and tough divorce attorney; and you may think, “I have done my utmost with maximum sincerity to ask him to stay in the relationship; now that he is so heartless and cruel, I will show him, I will give him tit for tat!”. This kind of thought is very dangerous; the more you retaliate, the more quickly your marriage will break down.
Moreover, there is another case: when your husband says he wants a divorce but you do not agree, he may feel very unhappy/miserable in the relationship; although he does not leave the marital relationship, he may choose to be “single”. It is possible that a husband wants to leave because he sees the great potential for being in another better relationship; this tends to be going as far as an emotional or even physical affair. When you realize that your husband has such an inclination, you easily feel like you are being betrayed out of anger, pride, and hurt; probably you will hold onto something resentful, and you will want to revenge under his provocation. But if you really do that way, your husband will emotionally pull further away from you.
Remember, any of your retaliation actions will further widen the relationship rift.
2 Don’t play the victim:
When your husband says he wants a divorce but you don’t, probably you will be stuck in a victim mindset, and this will easily make both you and your husband get caught in the whirling vortex of chaos and emotional upheaval.
When you play the victim, your husband will easily feel like you want to write yourself out of your responsibility for the marital crisis; and the more you attempt to make all the adverse events become experienced like the original trauma, the more he is bored/tired of you. Moreover, in this sensitive situation, your husband can hardly be sympathetic about your feelings.
The victim mindset will only hinder you and your husband from healing the broken relationship; no matter whether your relationship will end or move forward, your husband desires you to take steps towards bearing the personal responsibility for things that happened because of the truth – you always have a role in creating things in your married life.
3 Show respect for him, regardless of the situation:
When your husband says he wants a divorce, it is easy for you and your husband to get into a stormy argument about what each of you has done for the marriage. In this case, never depreciate your husband’s contributions. Instead, you should objectively look at what he has brought as a whole to you as well as the marriage over the years; let him realize that you know well what contributions he has made.
Remember, a husband will feel very miserable in a relationship that involves being disrespected and belittled, especially when he wants out in a relationship.
4 Don’t beg your husband to stay in the relationship:
In your panic, you may attempt to cry and plead for him to change his mind, you may promise to change almost everything about yourself that he does not like…Maybe, such a type of behavior comes across as pathetic. However, this is not appealing. And this never works in your favor. When your husband says he wants a divorce, probably he has been mentally prepared for a long time (maybe many months or years)… Probably, his response to your begging will only make you feel that you are too little and too late. Even it may be counter-productive – your begging may solidify his resolve to end the relationship.
5 You had better not agree to separation:
Probably, when you do not want a divorce, your husband wants the trial separation. And you had better not agree to any request to separate; for example, if your husband wants you to move out the house, or if he wants you to approve him of leaving the house, you had better not agree. Surely, you are not able to stop him from leaving the house if he really wants out, but at least, you should not offer to be the first one to move out. Remember, it will get much more difficult to save the relationship when either one of you two moves out.
Maybe you also have the question in your mind – “Does separation work to save my marriage?“ the answer to it is a firm no. A separation creates more physical and emotional distance between you and your husband. You two will communicate less often with each other, and this will cause you two to further drift away. To a great extent, a separation may become a divorce dress rehearsal.
6 Don’t fight for a win, just fight for a solution:
Probably, in this stage, a wide range of issues (e.g. issues about parenting, financial management, and household chores) become more sensitive than before; and those issues may frequently provoke an argument between you and your husband. To prevent or reduce unnecessary arguments, you should adhere to one principle: stop arguing to win; you don’t need to be always right; just fight for a solution or answer that can be good for each other. As you hash out issues in this way, some sort of an acceptable compromise tends to take shape; especially when you and your husband get into a heated argument about a controversial issue about which there are no right or wrong answers, your compromise makes sense.
By the way, any mature relationship requires realistic solutions to problems, not the denial of reality and wishful thinking. Understandably, sometimes you may feel tempted to fight with your husband over something important; in this case, you should remind yourself to fight for your marriage and your family, not yourself.
7 Don’t be stuck into the blame game:
In the majority of cases of divorce, both parties are inclined to blame each other; when your husband wants a divorce, probably you also feel very angry and resentful; when it comes to who should be primarily responsible for the current relationship status, you two may have started to blame each other for what has gone wrong; but the blame game will only prolong your suffering and aggravate the existing conflicts.
To stop the blame game, you might drop the ego and take the initiative to accept the responsibility for your part in what went wrong.
8 Don’t make things more complicated than they should be:
At this stage, you must have sensed that your husband has got bored and impatient when interacting with you. He is even more so if you go into a monologue without concerning about those issues that he brings up; probably, there are a lot of things you feel the need to talk about; but make sure to focus on one issue in a conversation with him, rather than attend to big and small matters all at once. Don’t expect that you can finish all that you have to say in one conversation;
In addition, you had better not make the mistake that a lot of women often make – they like to gossip about things and people that they dislike. If you do this in front of your husband, it will easily ignite a dispute and escalate an issue.
Remember, don’t nag, act up, or do anything unnecessary out of spite.
The final word:
When your husband says he wants a divorce, I bet there must be a plethora of things running through your mind. Probably you are in shock because you may have no idea what will happen or you may have not been aware of the exact reason.
Although your mental world starts to spin and everything seems uncertain, as long as you are sure that you still want to maintain the marriage, please exert your best efforts to repair the relationship. Surely, you can not control your husband’s mind, but you can try to be the best version of yourself; and there are still a lot of things you can do to heal the relationship, regardless of what he thinks about the relationship.
For more marriage-saving tips, you might read the page below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
Don’t ignore these suspicious signs your spouse wants out.
When your spouse wants to separate, don’t do these things.
What every man secretly wants – How to make him devoted to you.
6 tips on how to survive in an unhappy marriage without divorce.
What to know about the emotional & financial cost of divorce.