In the US, the yearly percentage of marriages that end in divorce varies between 40% and 50%; and the divorce rate still has an upward tendency. In such a context, we can not help but ask ourselves, “Why does a marriage fail?”
Although failed marriages can end for various reasons, generally those reasons can be traced back to a series of fundamental relationship issues.
Next, let’s talk about the common causes of marriage failure:
1 Heavy finance burden:
Money fights are one of the leading causes of divorce, especially when they involve undiscussed/unspoken debt. For married couples, money is an eternal topic; and in daily life, a lot of married couples have to work hard to earn money to support their families, and yet they have to face a harsh fact – although they are endeavoring to make money, they just can make a bare living, even they still have to rely on some debt; in such a situation, any unexpected, extra financial burden will only make them feel more miserable or overwhelmed.
One point should be particularly put forward: in America today, quite a few people acknowledge that they have always been saddled with high debt but they don’t open up to their significant halves about the real state of their finances; no doubt, this can store up troubles for their future married life. Maybe, at the start of a romantic relationship, issues about debt obligations don’t emerge. But after the honeymoon period is over, the reality that unspoken/undiscussed loans have to be paid off will come to the forefront ultimately. When a couple starts discussing such unexpected financial issues, it inevitably arouses strong feelings of disappointment, anger, and resentment in one or both spouses; what is worse, it ruins the mutual trust.
2 Sharply different life plans:
Just like doing anything that will last for a long time, if you desire to keep your marriage from falling apart, you and your spouse need to work out a long-term plan and set a series of significant goals for your married life. In particular, currently, a lot of young couples just ever carefully planned for a wedding, not for a long-term marriage. Therefore, if you and your spouse are newly married, make sure to establish common goals and common plans that you both are committed to; remember, marriage is bound to be a long journey; if a couple just gropes along without any preconceived plans, they will easily go their separate ways at a fork in a road.
Furthermore, in emotional dramas, there are often dialogues like this – one partner said to the other, “You have changed!”, then the other retorted indignantly, “It is you who changed, not me!”; no doubt, in married life, personal growth and development is another tricky and noteworthy issue. Nobody would like to stop personal growth in a relationship. And some marriages become stagnant because one or both spouses feel like they can no longer continue to grow together as a team; for a spouse who is ambitious and always desires to improve himself/herself, watching the constant stagnation of his/her spouse is very painful. This can typically manifest in different life plans or goals. In such a problematic marriage, over time, either party may think that continuing to live together will only be detrimental to each other.
3 Troubles with in-laws:
For a married couple, how to deal with in-laws may be something of a cliché. But if one spouse is not mentally prepared for a kind of close relationship that his/her married life will be deeply interfered with by his/her in-laws, probably he/she will feel like being awakened by a nightmare once his/her in-laws seek to drive a wedge between him/her and his/her spouse; and related research discovered a common phenomenon – after in-laws have gone through a dysfunctional marriage, they are inclined to direct their focus to their children’s marriages.
No doubt, if unchecked or not properly dealt with, in-laws’ interference may cause a rift between a couple. Sometimes, we may hear someone’s complaints against his/her in-laws, like “My in-laws are too controlling/unfriendly/rude…”, “My in-law is treating me like a naive child…”, “I am fed up with my in-law, he/she seems ready to judge and criticize every my move”…
Understandably, in a marriage where in-laws are too involved, one or both spouses are apt to feel uncomfortable or even miserable. But unfortunately, for many couples who are just at a stage of dating or an early stage of marriage, they treat the in-laws’ issues lightly; they leave it alone until it arises and causes harm to the relationship as well as the family; no doubt, the best way is to set boundaries in advance.
In short, couples, especially newly married couples, are supposed to pay attention to prevent or deal with in-laws issues in time;
4 Not staying connected:
In most cases, a marriage fails not due to an explosive or disastrous event that happens in relationship dynamics, but a gradual dissolution that happens when both parties are no longer intentional about connecting with each other. In day-to-day life, there can be a wide range of things that get in the way of the long-term relationship; a couple may start to feel disconnected or experience a growing emotional detachment due to conflicting issues about commitment, kids, work, in-laws, and even seemingly unimportant household chores…
As a marriage develops over time, frivolity, romance, and passion will give way to the mundane fact of day-to-day life; then a marital relationship may be morphed into a ship floating in the ocean, every day a couple just struggles to keep up with the routine schedule without noticing potential warning signs of the marriage; for them, maintaining the status quo in a marriage feels like a tough task that they have to stick to without the need to discuss, and they are no longer sensitive to each other’s feelings; but this can lead to drifting apart emotionally between a couple over time.
For more marriage-saving tips on what to do when couples feel disconnected, you might go on to read the post below:
How to survive an emotionally disconnected marriage
5 Lack of clear boundaries:
In our daily life, we all have the experience: sometimes we don’t verbalize what we want or think about, then others assume that you are on the same page with them; as a result, you end up feeling resentful and frustrated when certain boundaries are crossed. And such a situation also happens in our relationships with our partners from time to time.
The issue of expectations and boundaries is a very common thing that easily creates and fosters conflicts between a couple. Almost every couple knows what boundaries are; however, most couples don’t often discuss boundaries; even some spouses just feel embarrassed to verbalize their desirable boundaries in front of their significant halves.
And no doubt, as a marriage develops, there can exist some misaligned boundaries and expectations between a married couple; for example, a spouse may take it for granted that he/she can still maintain the close friendship with some of his/her friends of the opposite sex, but the other spouse may think this issue is a complete no-no; moreover, boundaries can be dynamically influenced by a spouse’s background, experience, faith; it is impossible to come up with a surprisingly complete list of reasonable expectations and boundaries at one stage of a marriage. Usually, boundaries and expectations in marriage gradually present themselves as time goes on.
For a couple in a healthy marriage, once important boundaries between them are crossed, they choose to deal with the “offense” in time rather than sweep it under the rug, and they always try hard to approach issues about boundaries in a non-defensive manner, meanwhile, they try to contain their anger, resentment, frustration, and they try to give the necessary context so that they can respond to each other appropriately.
In short, establishing and adjusting boundaries should be a long-term task for couples who want to maintain a long-lasting marriage.
For more marriage-saving tips on how to set boundaries in a marriage, you might go on to read the post below:
Must-have boundaries in marriage – Communicate your boundaries
6 Emotional or physical abuse:
Unfortunately, quite a few people are married to a narcissistic person; usually, they failed to recognize the narcissistic traits in their partners before their marriages, most likely they lost their heads due to romance and affection that their partners showed; as they and their narcissistic spouses begin married life together, they experience more and more emotional and even physical abuse, then they regret their hasty marriage decisions.
We have to admit that sometimes we can hardly see someone’s true face unless we stay with him/her long enough. Likewise, as an abusive marriage develops, a victim of spouse will gradually recognize those signs of his/her abusive spouse; specifically, over time, a victim may come to realize that his/her spouse is too controlling, a victim may realize that he/she is often being gaslighted or torn down, and a victim may feel overwhelmed by his/her spouse’s angry outbursts… Compared with healthy marriages, this type of marriage is filled with too many dramas (high highs and low lows) that cause tremendous emotional hurt to each other. And regardless of current relationship status, an abusive marriage is always at high risk of divorce;
The final word:
As described above, I bet you have come to understand that failed marriages have a lot in common; from another point of view, you should be aware that healthy marriages also follow some basic principles. And no marriages are perfect, couples should not easily talk of divorce when their marriages hit a rough patch because divorce is more likely to lead to more loss and pain for both parties; generally, it still makes sense for a spouse to continue working hard to mend their relationships even if he/she is the only one who wants.
If you feel the need to get more guidelines to keep your marriage alive and prevent divorce, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
Don’t miss these subtle signs your marriage might be in trouble.
When your spouse wants to separate, don’t do these things.
How to change yourself to save your marriage – Be your best.
How to fix a marriage after a fight – reconcile after a big fight.
9 basic tips on how to deal with a dismissive-avoidant spouse.
How to heal the marriage when you hurt your wife.
Unhappy couples’ common questions – is your marriage unhappy?