Separation is one of the most hurtful experiences you can go through in your life. Probably, you feel sad or hopeless about this broken relationship. But on the other hand, separation is also a special stage at which you both do not bear the stress of living together; hence, this can be a good time when you can calm down and ponder about how to deal with the failing relationship. And the decision whether to end the marriage or not should be made after much deliberation.
If you decide to try to reconcile with your husband, the tips below are worth reading:
(1) Now, stop attempts to convince him to come back:
All attempts to convince him to work on saving the relationship should be set aside for the time being. Before he wants to be with you, all attempts to convince will only result in his rejection, pushing him further away. This would be like attempting to convince someone else to love you; convincing is also very close to selling, but the broken relationship doesn’t have the room for you to engage in such an action that you think can cause your man to believe that you are still good enough. He is overwhelmed by negative thoughts, attitudes, and expectations towards you. Hence, your convincing would be in vain.
Your generosity, apologies, and reasoning may not work:
Whether he decides to reconcile with you or not eventually, he wants to receive your sincere apology. So don’t ask him to come back by apologizing for having made mistakes, this will be clearly interpreted as an unattractive message. For example, if you tell him, “Sorry, it was my fault; but you should come back because I have changed.” Such words will not only push him further away but also lead to the loss of his respect for you. Why? Here is an explanation:
- This type of apology seems not to be sincere:
Now, the apology just signals that you want him back. Most likely, it will be seen as self-serving, but not a sign of heartfelt change.
- Your reasoning ignores his current feelings:
When you let your emotions run too deep and justify your wrongdoings with reasons, you ignore that your husband is not emotionally connected to you. As he is not in love with you, he can hardly believe that he will fall in love with you again (even if it is possible).
- This type of apology can make you sound more unattractive and needy:
No matter how you express this type of apology, you convey the same implied meaning – “No matter how unhappy you are, I need you, so you should come back to me.” This is so needy and selfish. At this critical stage, it is important to learn how to emotionally attract your husband back to you; without overcoming your neediness, you can’t be attractive to your emotionally distant husband.
Once you slip into the convincing mode, your apology makes him feel like he has been a victim of this bad relationship; and put yourself in his shoes, would you want to return just because your spouse needed you or claimed to have changed.
(2)Problem solving is not the necessary thing you should do while you are trying to reconnect with him:
It is inadvisable to work on any relationship problem until after your husband starts to desire to fix the marriage. In other words, it is better to solve those stubborn relationship problems after he falls back in love with you. Many times, when love between spouses is restored, a lot of seemingly difficult marital issues are no longer relevant. Hence, if you think that some marital problems remain challenging at this stage, don’t be too anxious, you might put them aside for the time being. There are many other important things you need to do while you are trying to restore the connection with him.
Furthermore, working on marital issues will make it more difficult to reconnect with your emotionally distant husband. When your husband does not want a future with you, he is unwilling to work on those relationship problems.
In short, to get your separated husband back, the first step should be to attract and connect with him emotionally, not how to discuss those boring problems with him.
(3) Move slowly from communication to activities together:
During separation, the connection between you and your husband is so weak. Especially if he is first separating, you must feel difficult to talk to him. Actually, he also feels the need to communicate with you from time to time, but the problem is that he assumes that you no longer get on the same frequency with him. On the other hand, if you want to initiate a conversation about something, you had better take some time to think about whether he will be interested in the subject at the moment; but anyway, even if you think that he will be interested in what you want to say, you should be fully emotionally prepared for his possible responses; in doing so, he will be more willing to engage in the conversation with you.
And as he increasingly enjoys communicating with you, you can ask him to do more activities together. And when you ask your separated husband to meet you, probably he does not view this as ”dating”, so you should also not frame it as “dating”; just view it as a good opportunity to rebuild connection; hence, at this point, you do not have to attempt to persuade him to come back.
Again, don’t move too fast while you are trying to reconcile; otherwise, that will only break the emotional connection that you have already built.
You should become more aware of what keeps the long-term relationship going:
The emotional connection should not be put on a shelf anytime; for example, while you focus on your career or the kids, you should not ignore maintaining the emotional connection with your man; otherwise, the emotional intimacy will decrease. I bet you have felt deeply about this after he has separated from you.
It is the emotional connection that keeps your marriage alive. Now you must know very well that appealing to marriage vows and commitments do not work well on keeping him with you. Nobody wants to be in a marriage just because of obligation.
Set a good mindset for reconnecting with your separated husband:
(1) Think more about his perspective:
When you are thinking about how to get your separated husband back, you may need to make a significant shift in your thoughts and concepts; in particular, you should think more about your man’s perspective; after all, you are not a man, probably, you haven’t had a profound understanding of what your man wants from you in the relationship. Don’t unswervingly insist that your separated husband is so irrational. Instead, you should try to increase your empathy towards him by thinking more about what you might do and how you would feel if you were in his situation.
In general, there are some deep reasons for his leaving, but you do not take enough time to think about them. Probably, you think over his behavior partly and superficially; the reasons why he leaves are not so simple, but probably you just think they are simple and clear cut; in addition, your man may not tell you the true reasons; you need to figure them out on your own.
For more tips, you might go on to read the post below:
The 5 most important emotional needs of a man – Meet his needs.
What every man secretly wants – How to make him devoted to you.
(2) Figure out the reasons you want him to come back:
Understandably, you are susceptible to mood swings after separation; from time to time, you may feel guilt, fear, dread, anger, frustration, love, hope… you may feel like you have been drowning in a sea of emotions. Your strong, unsettled emotions may cause you to think about getting him back. But anyway, your emotions are never healthy, solid reasons you decide to get your separated husband to come back. Especially when you simply tell him that you badly want him back because you have been suffering emotional trauma, maybe he will feel moved, but probably he will not consent to your sincere request.
And since you desire to get him back, I bet you can figure out other rational reasons other than emotional trauma. If you have no idea now, here are some examples that you can refer to:
- You are certain that you broke up with him for the wrong reasons.
- You feel that the relationship and family are not whole and healthy without him.
- Now you have found a healthy solution to the long-standing issues.
- Now you have a realistic expectation for the future relationship with him.
- Your family and friends think that your husband is a good match for you, and they are very supportive of getting him back.
In short, to get your separated husband back, you should try to make him believe in your reasons for restoring the relationship; you need to let him know that something significant has changed in the relationship and that your married life will be better if he is willing to come back to you.
The final word:
Emotional connection is the lifeblood of a marriage. And a crucial step in preventing divorce is reconnecting. And during your separation, what reconnecting means is not only about taking the initiative to communicate with your separated husband but also more about increasing his desire to stay with you and openly communicate with you.
Separation is not a good solution to marital problems; but now that you and your husband have been separated, you do not have to be desperate; it can also be a wake-up call for your marriage; you should make efforts to get your relationship moving in a positive direction. On the positive side, separation gives you both sufficient alone time and personal space. You should use this as a time to reflect on what went wrong with the relationship and plan an effective strategy on how to get the failing relationship back on track; and as long as you keep working hard on yourself during separation, your husband will notice you are trying to be a better version of yourself, and that is what he would like to see.
For more tips on how to get your separated husband back, you might go on to watch the video below to follow the comprehensive guidance that is offered by Brad Browning, a marriage coach with 12+ years of experience:
Maybe, you are also interested in the related posts below:
What you should not do when your husband wants a divorce.
8 tips on marriage reconciliation after separation – Survive the separation.
What should you do when your husband says he hates you.
How to survive an emotionally disconnected marriage.
How to deal with an emotionally distant husband – Make him open up.
7 simple tips on how to get your husband interested in you again.